I have been waiting for the day that I would "know". Know when it was right to start in Kate's room. Her room hasn't been off limits by any means. Jadyn and Maci still had some of their "play room" in there when she was born so it has been played in for months now. I have struggled off and on over the last few months as I look in Kate's room and see doll house disaster, Barbie bombs, journals, stickers, books ... everything that 6 and 8 year old girls make messes with. I tidy it up and move forward.
On Friday I found myself with time and space. I sat on my patio in the morning, not feeling great, but feeling the nudge I had been waiting for. It felt like time to begin. I thought about packing up clothes, shoes, hats ... the little things to start with. I asked for prayer, I invited a friend, and I began. This friend I called ... she knows how to get after tasks like no one else I know. An organization queen she is!! I wasn't in a "get after it" mood but God had given me peace that it was right to ask her into this day with me. I was so very proud of and thankful for who this friend was this day. Jill waited with me to find my way. We cried and we got started. She asked and she honored. She was patient with me yet led me when I appeared paralyzed. She was just who I needed. We went through some of Kate's things and kept out the "specials". We packed away tights, and shoes, blankets, burp cloths and bottles. We got rid of clutter and simplified the space. We had give, sell, and keep piles. All of the big girls stuff went to the basement and we created an honoring, sacred space for Kate. As we worked we stopped to cry and remember. I felt overwhelmed with supernatural peace again and again. It was physical and tangible. As we slowly moved along it became clear where we were heading, and we did just that much. Just enough. We allowed the important things to remain for now.... her crib, dresser, bookshelves, rocking chair, and special memories. It feels so honoring. I love what her room is now, but I also love what it has been. I know that the freedom and life and fun that has taken place in that room over the last nine months has honored Jadyn and Maci's process. And for all of this I am thankful. It's GRACE.
Two short days later held more GRACE. So much more grace. Oh my goodness, grace. I had planned to be baptized on Sunday at our all church baptism. This really has been one of my favorite days of the year for the last 8 years or so. I have been there to witness, to pray, to stand along side .... but this year I was going IN. I had felt a quiet whisper and a gentle nudge sporadically throughout the summer. I really had been uncertain up until the last few days, but as the time approached I really believed God was asking me to take this step. To trust him with what this day and these moments would hold.
I desired to proclaim what I have found out about him in the last nine months ... many things of which I have shared in this blog. Basically, that I am DONE fighting against His grace and trying to be enough. That his grace holds all power, all provision, all protection. That He CAN BE trusted with my surrendered heart. I no longer have to fear my weakness; for He is strongest in my weakest of days. I have been singing with my voice from the depths of who I am, "He is God and I am not". I have been powerless as I faced death in my arms, and I know now what it is to be dependent and in need ..... completely.... and there is nowhere else I'd rather be than in the arms of Christ. I have found in Him my anchor and my hope; and I want to live the rest of my days for him and out of His spirit that lives inside of me. There is no one else worth following.
I stepped up to share my testimony ..... still trembling a bit. I didn't want to prepare what I was going to say because I didn't want to perform in any way. This season for me has been about freedom as well. I was going to trust that what I had to say was already "in me". I did. With all of those most precious to me surrounding me. With Shelley by my side as she has been for the last 2 years. His words came, and went, freely. Shelley's blessing of prayer came. Beautifully, it came, and went. And then ..... in a moment of silence and a call for others to be baptized, my sweet and courageous friend, Lindsey, stepped forth as God nudged her to. She shared her surrendered heart and desire to let her old self die with Christ to be raised with him as well. This was not planned. This was the Spirit of the Lord. We just can't argue with it. A short while later we went to the waters and my other sweet and courageous friend, Kelly, boldly walked into the waters and let her heart crumble before him ..... ready to be washed clean and made new. Jesus, Jesus, precious Jesus. Only YOU can come up with these things. 
I have prayed about the day that I would be able to stand beside some of these ladies at their baptism. Little did I know that I would be baptized, to then turn around moments later and participate in the baptism of my dearest of friends. The ones I have discipled. The ones I have called friends. The ones whom I have supported and who have supported me. The ones who have helped carry me in my darkest of days. The ones who have taught me much by walking along side them. All of this, only minutes after being baptized by one that is also so dear to my heart .....it is truly a treasure to be known and loved by Shelley. The questions she asked me at my baptism ..... whew.... there are no words. Just straight to the soul. She knew what I needed to declare and I did .... with a bold "YES". With an "ABSOLUTELY". With an "I DO". Shelley on one side and my Dave on the other. The one who has loved and supported and put up with me!! I just told him on Friday when I was cleaning out Kate's room, "there is no other person I would want to walk through the darkest of days with than him". He is tender and strong in all the right ways and at mostly the right time. :) A circle of friends and family that have been part of this journey with me .... the sweetness of these moments are FOREVER in my heart and mind. August 24th, 2014..... epic, sacred, holy. A family day like no other.
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