A letter to my girl - Two years

My sweet girl, 

I have been longing for the quiet of this morning to be with you as I write your birthday letter.  It's a precious time to me.   Your brother is down for his nap and I get to sit in the stillness of this house as he sleeps.  It's dreary here today, unlike your home.  The tone of this day fits my heart.  It's overcast and drizzly. Wet.  Heavy.  Leaves everywhere - beautiful and yet a chaotic mess.  It all reflects so well how I feel on your birthday this year.

The pain of separation is just too much at times.  I have felt restless and uneasy trying to control my world down here for the last two weeks.  I have cried easily and fought with those I love.  I have been sensitive, disappointed, and  frustrated over anything and everything.  Poor Sissies and daddy :).   I have been longing for peace but it has felt like unrest everywhere I turn.  It's because I ache, Kate.   I ache for you.  The anticipation of this 2nd birthday was almost too much for my soul, and it took me off guard.  My shoulders have felt slumped and my chest heavy.  A lump in my throat ready to burst at any moment.  I think I have been afraid to "go there" ...... into the pain, in fear that I may never come back.  I finally did last week and again on Sunday.  My dear soul friend rocked me like a baby and let me BE.  I needed to just BE ..... be where I was in order to love you with all of my mommy might.  You saw the family celebration we had and the balloons let go into the night sky.  We sent our love to you in prayers and love notes.  We know how you feel and experience our hearts in the most intimate way.  You taste the beauty and the closeness of our relationship with you far beyond what we understand.  It's so pure.  Oh, how it makes me long for the perfection of heaven.  And long to see you in all your perfection the way God intended you to be precious girl.   And to hug you and hold you .... to twirl with you and giggle ..... I could just go on and on. 

Your biggest sister finally broke last night.  The floodgates opened.  It's been two years.  There have been tears shed but not like this.  Her seven year old heart and mind had to protect itself when we lost you so suddenly.  And then last night in all of God's grace, at nine years old, she felt the weight of it all.  My mama's heart was broken but it was a beautiful hour as I rocked her, wiped her tears, and just said, "I know.  I am sorry."  Those are the only words.  I can't tell her it's going to be okay because it's not.  EVER.  We will be okay, but the fact that you are so far from us never will be.  We talked about Psalm 56:8.   I told her that her tears are precious to our Father in heaven.  She asked why, and I had the privilege of explaining to her that it shows how much God cares about our pain and how he cares that it hurts so bad to miss you.  His word says, "You keep track of all my sorrows, you have collected all my tears in your bottle.  You have recorded each one in your book."  You are worth every tear, my love.  We love you with our tears; and God honors each drop in His  love and care for us. How GREAT is this love that he has lavished upon us.  How would we survive this without Him and his wondrous love?   

As the hours have gone by today I have felt covered by that LOVE.  The countless texts, the prayers, the time spent together, the words written straight to our hearts.  The donuts, the birthday cake, the flowers sent.  The phone calls and emails.  YOU are loved and missed, and so so many are taking sweet care of your family.  Rest assured you live on.  One friend said your life continues to scream "Jesus!" to the multitudes.  I believe this to be true my love. I continue to hear the way you have affected hearts and minds ..... you have changed a people .......  it's His kingdom come.  

Though my faith is not wavering, I feel less steady right now.  But today, Kate, I have felt a resurgence of  hope and strength as I remember what God has done for us the last two years.  This day in 2013 we faced the unimaginable pain of saying goodbye to you way too soon.  Our God kept us, strengthened us and whispered loving truth so we would endure those days, weeks, months. I am reminded by his word that there is no sorrow that heaven cannot heal and for that I praise him!  If he gave me strength for those worst of days, he will give me strength for these.  He is able.  

I have typed this throughout today, Kate.  The day has felt long and I am tired.  It's never going to be an easy day, but it will always be a holy day.  A day that I know will be painful, but that I will also always look forward to because I feel so close to you again.  It your day sweet baby.  It's Kate's Day. 
As I prepare for bed tonight I am blessed by a reminder I received from a dear friend.  That you dance in joy, my sweet girl.  Because HE LIVES, you DANCE IN JOY!!  I will rest well with that vision in my mind.  Hallelujah!   
Happy 2nd birthday Kate Ryan - there must be a party in heaven like we had here this evening.  Your sisters sure hope so!!

To the moon and back,
Mommy

Family ready to release balloons in remembrance.

Gifts of love and care that brought joy to our day.

Happy Birthday Kate!!

Donuts delivered to our door this morning :)

 

My KIDS

The kids.  I hear myself say it and it still doesn't sound normal to me.  "The kids and I will see you in a bit".  "Could you watch the kids tonight?"  I have said girls since Maci was born 8+ year ago.  It's one of those subtle phrases that jolts me back into reality again.  I have a son.  We have a new life.

Our months (almost SEVEN) with our boy, Luke, have been graced with so many good good gifts.  Of course he has brought us joy and laughter.  He has brought us the reminder of our limitations and God's unending capacity that is ours in Christ Jesus.  He has shown me the strength of heart that has grown in me since my girls were born.  He has grown us in patience and love.  He has filled our hearts to overflowing.  All of these are magnificent, but one of my favorite gifts is the new beauty I see in my girls.   Something is different about them and while it is not necessarily identifiable, it is recognizable.  I see it in their eyes and  in their smiles.  Others do too.  I hear it in their voices, in their laughs, in the way they relate.  Their countenance has changed.   I am in constant awe and wonder about what I see opening up in them.   They are nurturers to their core .... I never knew this.  They are helpful in ways that I never thought possible!!  They desire to serve and take care of their brother, and even take care of me in new ways as they see me mother a baby.  Their hearts are bubbling with JOY.  They take delight not only in Luke, but in simple pleasures in a different way.  It's unique to this season.  I just can't get enough of them.  I miss them when they are gone all day.  We miss them, Luke and I.

Our boy has brought such redeeming grace ..... grace upon grace upon grace.  His sisters have waited so long for new life,  and maybe that's why we are experiencing extra doses of sweetness.  Or maybe this is just the way God grows our families no matter what losses we have or haven't experienced.   It doesn't really matter what or why because I know it's HIM.  Only HE can do these things in my kids.  Only HE grows love in our hearts .....  that's His work to do.  Thank you Lord for these kids of mine and the wonder of each of them.   The way you grow and mature them and bring them closer to you.  I see you in each of them in uniquely powerful ways.  You are good.