OUCH

Pain.  Everything in us wants to avoid it.  So we run.  So we hide.  So we numb ourselves with food or alcohol or success or approval......or any other vice of our choosing.  ANYTHING to not feel ....because pain hurts.  In our human nature, we want to avoid the unpleasantness of things like hurt and heartbreak, and even confusion and uncertainty.  We want to feel good.  But feeling good is not always where God is.  He is so much bigger than feeling good.   In order to transcend our humanness we must be willing to feel unpleasant.  To hurt. To feel the pain of a broken heart.  How do we ever get to a place of wanting to do that?  Welcoming and even desiring pain and suffering, confusion and uncertainty.  Isn't our tendancy to go around it or run away?

This isn't my first experience with pain.... clearly, I am 38 years old, and pain is a part of life.  I spent most of my early adult life avoiding pain.  Addiction, in many forms, kept me hostage to the pain.  Addiction is so sneaky.  An addict just wants freedom but finds themselves in a prison that feels like hell.  They find instant relief, but then remain stuck with unending oppression.  Running and hiding and numbing.  We think we are running but realize it's in circles.  We think we are hiding only to be found once again.  Each hiding place, each cave, becomes darker and deeper than the one before.  We think we are numbing but the anesthetic begins to lose it's "punch".  More layers of OUCH.  Hurting not only ourselves but now also others.  

I still awake most mornings with the OUCH of the reality of my life, my circumstances.  The brokenness in it.  The heartache of losing my daughter.  And yesterday I woke up with a pretty enormous amount of it.  I so wanted to go back to sleep but made myself get up to have some time with God before starting my day.  (Just for the record, I have had many "go back to sleep" mornings in the last 3 months).  I grabbed my bible, my journal and headed back into my  bed.  I was writing and I had this fleeting thought of the goodness that pain holds.  A moment later, I thought of a verse in Romans that talks about how suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.  I was given the reminder by God to be thankful for my pain and for my suffering; for there will be treasure in it.  Suddenly I felt even a little glad about the OUCH in my heart, because there was hope in it.   I thought about my day and how many times I would have an ache in the coming hours.  I was able to see it now as opportunity for healing and not as something to dread.  An opportunity first to love my daughter by grieving her.  Also an opportunity to live a new way...... As I stand, feet planted,  in those moments when the pain comes I not only endure but I begin to persevere.  When I move through the moment (not away or around), my character is changed to be a little more like Christ's.  And when I rise above (because of Christ in me) I have new hope.  See, this isn't running away, or going around the pain.  It's about standing in it (often with tears rolling down my cheeks), moving through it (often shaking), and rising above into a holy space.  A place that transcends.

And the most beautiful part in all of this is that every ounce of what changed in my spirit yesterday was by His POWER because of His GRACE.   I couldn't 10 years ago, and I can't now, will myself to change.  The difference with now is that His power is alive in me.   As I live as His Beloved daughter, his ways become known and revealed to me.  I can then follow him and choose his ways that promise LIFE and FREEDOM.  It is all by his grace that I can even submit to his higher ways.   

So.... I looked up that verse last night ....... the one that I thought of yesterday morning.  It doesn't even say be thankful for suffering (which I thought).  It actually says to rejoice in suffering.  Are we a people who are willing to stand in, move through and rise above pain.  Will we rejoice in the sufferings of this life?  Pain can cause defeat and destruction or it can ultimately bring perseverance,  character, and hope.  I will stumble and fall because I am human, but will do my best in the days ahead (by his grace) to choose Jesus and his ways.  He is the way, the truth, and the life. 


And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God.  Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character;  and character, hope. - Romans 5:2-3 

Three months - a letter to my girl

Kate,

Three months sweet girl, three months since I had you in my arms.  

I thought you would want to know, today,  that I have all these angels caring for me here.   People who are taking care of my broken heart.  Some dear friends, some strangers, some children, some saints.  All of them, in the last couple of weeks, keep reminding me about the place where you reside.  It just about brings me to my knees every time.  I am reminded of the place you call home and I want to be there with you sweet girl.  I am reminded that this place where I am is NOT my home.  Not where I belong, just a brief stop on my journey.  I praise God that there is a heavenly home where we do belong.  I praise God that I have full assurance of your place there ...... He had a room waiting for you, arms to hold you, voices to sing over you, peace to give you, smiles and laughter and joy and, and, and ....... Oh, I can't wait to hear about all you are enjoying.   Just the glimpses of it makes me have to catch my breath for a moment.   

I still have these pangs of hollowness that hit me so hard.  It is just not right here without you.  It hurts.  Jadyn celebrated her 8th birthday and you were supposed to be at her party.  I went to a dance convention last weekend in Chicago.  Though I loved it and was grateful to go, I wasn't supposed to be able to go do that right now.  What was supposed to be, isn't, though .... so we are learning to move forward and figure out how to live this new life.  Never forgetting.  Always remembering.  YET, letting go of the life we hoped for here on this earth.  Not letting go of YOU, never,  but letting go of the reality of you being with us NOW.  Learning to live with the sadness and pain and finding life in it.  Wow.  It is not easy, but it is a sacred dance that I am learning to be thankful for.

You, my dear, have caused a breaking.  A breaking in hearts and minds and spirits.  A good breaking.  A holy breaking.  Even your mommy knows new freedom.  I have heard countless stories of how your short little life mattered.  You are amazing Kate.  You never took a breath outside of my tummy and God is using you to cause transformation in peoples lives.  I am so proud.  I am so so proud of you my daughter.  Life is sweeter because you were here.  Even the hollowness and pain can't take that away.  It is just somehow true.  It doesn't really make sense to me.  Your presence so sweet ....... the suffering so great .....  hope in the midst ....The holy mystery of life in Christ.

Missing you and loving you,
Mommy 

P.S.  Your sisters say they hope there is a party in heaven today for you!!  Celebrating you sweet girl.  I hope there are many enjoying your sweet little smiles today!!  

 

His sweetness

I didn't even think about it being Valentines Day until I started to post this.  How appropriate that today I would feel his sweetness.  A little nugget of what's holding me today.

Your sweetness Lord.  All by your grace and mercy, I find my way into a pocket of peace where you are. When the brokenness is so desperately broken, your presence is just so satisfying and sweet. The aroma of Christ.
I am seen. known. held. kept. All in the power of your love. It is so sweet to be loved by you Lord.

2014

Holy Confidence was my 2013 word. So what about this year?  After a tragedy like Kate it seems like there would be many "fitting" words to attempt to live into.  Peace, joy, healing .... the list could go on and on ...... because my heart truly longs for all of those things.  But this isn't about picking a word.  What I have found is that my word kind of picks me.  As January unfolded so did my word begin to reveal itself. 

I left a seminar in Oct. (5 weeks before Kate was born) with 4 "words" that I wanted to be more true of me.  Powerful. Secure. Free. Fully Alive.  I had honestly just begun to press into those a little when Kate was born and then.....  well, just living at all became my goal each day.  Forget being FULLY alive.  Wanting to be alive at all was success.  And a funny thing began to happen.  It has been in the darkness that I have found life.  The deep sorrow forces a new awareness to the present moment.  You cannot escape it.  You are suspended between the past for which you long and a future that you hoped would be. So all there is is NOW.  And NOW can feel so empty and lifeless and lead to unending despair.  Or it can feel empty yet full of life and lead to hope.  And it has been a supernatural thing at work for sure to feel empty AND full of life.  It is something that has been happening in me that I am attempting to put words to.   Gerald Sittser, in his book, A Grace Disguised says this about the present moment.  "It may be that the present moment contains the secret of the renewal of life we long for, as if, in looking under the surface of this vast sea of nothingness, we may find another world that is teeming with life." Again, somehow deep sorrow makes us alive to the present moment.  Living in the present moment is making me fully alive in a new way.  A new awareness, a new seeing,  new beauty, new sorrow, a new and deeper love. 

So.... I was thinking and praying over my word for 2014, and I wrote down fully alive.  Around it I wrote things like awareness, joy, healed, whole, secure, free.  I was test driving the word fully alive for a week or so.  I had started my blog shortly before this time.   I had three people say to me in that week, "Kristi, it's like you are dancing with your words".   These are people who have always been touched by my dancing and been a supporter of me in that.  I was walking through my house that same week and I caught a quick glimpse of a gift I received shortly after Kate's death.  It is a figurine of a woman dancing - it's really really lovely, and came from a friend who loves me deeply and who I love so much.  We have been through the tides of life together in deep and meaningful ways.   When she gave it to me she said she thought of Shelley's words at Kate's service.  The last thing Shelley said was, "and Kristi will dance again".  

It hit me as I was headed to my bedroom one day.  I passed by that special gift and I thought.....   My word - it's DANCE!  That's it!  It's the place I have always felt secure and free and fully alive.  It has been a powerful place of healing and expression in my own life and others.  It is a place I am present to the moment.   This is how I want to LIVE and it feels like I have been many days ..... EVEN in the darkness and in the sorrow.  I want to continue to DANCE ..... EVEN though my life will never be the same, and there will ALWAYS be an emptiness because of the Kate shaped hole in my heart.  Dancing is not something I will strive to achieve, but a gift I will receive.  I will trust that as I continue to surrender to the God who sees me, knows me, and holds me in my deepest pain and fear,  He will continue to bring new security, new freedom, new  life, a new dance.  One that will be powerful.

 
"You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, that my heart may sing to you and not be silent.  O Lord my God, I will give you thanks forever."  - Psalm 30:11-12 

Breathe

Have mercy on me, Oh God, have mercy on me.  Just breathing is an act of prayer and a gift of grace today.  In this space  I cannot even muster a thought, a word ..... yet my breath speaks a million little miracles.  How a breath can echo I do not know.  But I hear the reverberation of it deep inside of me and then I hear the sound of HIS almighty voice.  It is quiet, almost hushed.  It is peaceful, gentle, loving, yet clear and convincing.  Humbling and compassionate.   This is who He is;  and I am so thankful that I serve and love THIS God, THIS Jesus.  With every breath He holds me in His love.  He holds YOU in His love... always..... unfailing it is.  Nothing or no one too much for Him.

Holy confidence

With the encouragement of some women who have been discipling me the last couple years, I have come up with a new word each January.  The word captures and holds what I sense God asking me to live into in a new way for the upcoming year.  Last year my words were Holy Confidence and Fun.  

Fun ..... well, I got pregnant ..... that's fun ... most of the time!  Many days spent miserably sick and not feeling FUN, but we were excited to journey into 2014 as a family of five.  I started taking a dance class just for FUN.  I went to see more movies and had more time with girlfriends. I just felt called to live less seriously.  I did okay with that one.

Holy Confidence .......I was tired of relying on my performance, acceptance from others, and successes for confidence.  As we know, that confidence is always fleeting.  I knew God had a different way for me to live and move and breathe - in HIM.  HIM in me.  Holy confidence is a soul knowing place.  Deep in us we begin to BELIEVE all the things we have known in our minds.  It's a shift from head to heart.  It is an experience of GRACE as we step out in faith, and trust Jesus to find his promises are true.  I don't love the word, "test", but it's really what happens when we step out in radical trust and find him faithful to offer peace and joy in the midst of hardship.   His love never fails.  We realize his faithfulness is true and real and will hold us.  I had glimpses of this new way, but would easily slip into old ways of striving, performing, and controlling.  I continued to fight for this WORD, Holy Confidence,  but found myself fighting all the wrong fights.  I wrote this at one point about halfway through 2013.. 

I just get caught up fighting the wrong fight.  Fighting to figure it all out or fighting for control.  I fight to be good enough or avoid the vulnerability I so desperately want and need.  Fighting to be "okay" when maybe God just wants me to "not be okay" and to trust him.  

I fight to save myself. 

But .... the fight is really to accept my neediness and weakness and allow my savior to save me.  The fight is actually just to remain.  *To consent to be who he has made me and remain where he has placed me.*  The fight is to believe truth, to choose life not death, moment by moment.  The fight is to agree with HIM, and not the wickedness of my flesh or the torment of the lies of the enemy of my soul.  The fight is to choose weakness, and trust this upside down kingdom.  The fight is to willingly FALL into his loving arms .... into his love, acceptance, and grace.  It is to courageously bring the lame, broken, and wounded parts of myself honestly before him to receive his healing.  The fight is to surrender because He is able.  Here lies the HOLY CONFIDENCE he longs to give.  Here lies LIFE.
 *quote by Andrew Murray

Well, here lies 2014 looking nothing like I had hoped or planned for.  Yet I have a new Holy Confidence in my Jesus.  It came in an unexpected way; in a set of circumstances that the evil one would have loved to use to destroy me and my family.  Our Kate being born silently into this world.  Here I find myself with no fight left, only the choice to surrender and BELIEVE what my God says in His word is true.   

I am believing and seeing that ....

His strength is made perfect in my weakness.

He is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.  

He does comfort those who mourn. 

It is better to enter the house of mourning than the house of feasting.

He is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

He is the Prince of peace.

His mercies are new every morning.

Believing these truths, and the many others I find in his word, in faith, is the ONLY fight.  And it is the fight that has been saving my life.  This is HOLY confidence that cannot be shaken.  Do I live perfectly in this place?  Of course not .... but I KNOW it now.  I know it in a soul knowing place.  I know where I want to return - to HIM, always.  I am learning this new way; and learning is always a process.   I thank you Jesus for allowing this good to come from my sweet sweet girl.  This is just ONE GOOD THING He is giving in this season.

It is hard to reconcile the good that comes, with the loss that I have experienced.  I reconcile it by knowing these things are just glimpses of redemption.  Wow.  I am so thankful to love and serve a redeeming God.  Any good that comes will NEVER erase the pain in my heart.  It eases it for a bit.  This is a gift of grace that I am learning to appreciate ...... a little reprieve from the heaviness.  But at the end of the day, she will be apart from me all of my days on earth and that makes me ache in my bones.   I eagerly await full redemption on the day I see her face to face .....and for now, I will do my best to fight the "right fight".  To remain with Him and experience Holy Confidence as I believe his promises..... such as this one:

"I pray that God, the source of all hope, will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust in him.  Then you will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit."   - Romans 15:13 

And this one:
 
"You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, that my heart may sing to you and not be silent.  O Lord my God, I will give you thanks forever."  - Psalm 30:11-12

  
 I give thanks to you, Lord.  My heart will sing a new song, and I will dance again.