OUCH

Pain.  Everything in us wants to avoid it.  So we run.  So we hide.  So we numb ourselves with food or alcohol or success or approval......or any other vice of our choosing.  ANYTHING to not feel ....because pain hurts.  In our human nature, we want to avoid the unpleasantness of things like hurt and heartbreak, and even confusion and uncertainty.  We want to feel good.  But feeling good is not always where God is.  He is so much bigger than feeling good.   In order to transcend our humanness we must be willing to feel unpleasant.  To hurt. To feel the pain of a broken heart.  How do we ever get to a place of wanting to do that?  Welcoming and even desiring pain and suffering, confusion and uncertainty.  Isn't our tendancy to go around it or run away?

This isn't my first experience with pain.... clearly, I am 38 years old, and pain is a part of life.  I spent most of my early adult life avoiding pain.  Addiction, in many forms, kept me hostage to the pain.  Addiction is so sneaky.  An addict just wants freedom but finds themselves in a prison that feels like hell.  They find instant relief, but then remain stuck with unending oppression.  Running and hiding and numbing.  We think we are running but realize it's in circles.  We think we are hiding only to be found once again.  Each hiding place, each cave, becomes darker and deeper than the one before.  We think we are numbing but the anesthetic begins to lose it's "punch".  More layers of OUCH.  Hurting not only ourselves but now also others.  

I still awake most mornings with the OUCH of the reality of my life, my circumstances.  The brokenness in it.  The heartache of losing my daughter.  And yesterday I woke up with a pretty enormous amount of it.  I so wanted to go back to sleep but made myself get up to have some time with God before starting my day.  (Just for the record, I have had many "go back to sleep" mornings in the last 3 months).  I grabbed my bible, my journal and headed back into my  bed.  I was writing and I had this fleeting thought of the goodness that pain holds.  A moment later, I thought of a verse in Romans that talks about how suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.  I was given the reminder by God to be thankful for my pain and for my suffering; for there will be treasure in it.  Suddenly I felt even a little glad about the OUCH in my heart, because there was hope in it.   I thought about my day and how many times I would have an ache in the coming hours.  I was able to see it now as opportunity for healing and not as something to dread.  An opportunity first to love my daughter by grieving her.  Also an opportunity to live a new way...... As I stand, feet planted,  in those moments when the pain comes I not only endure but I begin to persevere.  When I move through the moment (not away or around), my character is changed to be a little more like Christ's.  And when I rise above (because of Christ in me) I have new hope.  See, this isn't running away, or going around the pain.  It's about standing in it (often with tears rolling down my cheeks), moving through it (often shaking), and rising above into a holy space.  A place that transcends.

And the most beautiful part in all of this is that every ounce of what changed in my spirit yesterday was by His POWER because of His GRACE.   I couldn't 10 years ago, and I can't now, will myself to change.  The difference with now is that His power is alive in me.   As I live as His Beloved daughter, his ways become known and revealed to me.  I can then follow him and choose his ways that promise LIFE and FREEDOM.  It is all by his grace that I can even submit to his higher ways.   

So.... I looked up that verse last night ....... the one that I thought of yesterday morning.  It doesn't even say be thankful for suffering (which I thought).  It actually says to rejoice in suffering.  Are we a people who are willing to stand in, move through and rise above pain.  Will we rejoice in the sufferings of this life?  Pain can cause defeat and destruction or it can ultimately bring perseverance,  character, and hope.  I will stumble and fall because I am human, but will do my best in the days ahead (by his grace) to choose Jesus and his ways.  He is the way, the truth, and the life. 


And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God.  Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character;  and character, hope. - Romans 5:2-3