A letter to my girl - 3 years

My sweet Kate,

I have been thinking about you so much my love.  There is a shift in the atmosphere come autumn, come November.  Yes, the air cools and the leaves fall, but my heart warms.   My soul awakens and experiences the full weight of fall. The warmth, the awakening and the weight bring tears.  I welcome them because they are my love.  My love for you Kate Ryan.  A friend reminded me last week that the tears aren't darkness now, they are love.  Three years ago it was darkness.  Today and in the days leading up to your birthday, my cry is one of missing you and of longing because there will forever be a Kate shaped hole in my heart.  It will never be wholly right without you here but we have JOY my sweet girl.  We have JOY because we have our hope in the reality you know with your entire being.  Daddy and I sit here this morning sharing the truths of who you are and where you are.  We celebrate that we are forever your mommy and daddy, AND that you are in all glory with your Jesus and with your perfect Father.  I imagine, all the time, what you would be like here changing and growing as a little girl.  How long your hair would be and how our family of SIX would be complete around the table at meals and riding in the van.  And I imagine you there ..... living in perfect understanding and knowledge.  Oh, how I long for what you have.  You see all things with a purity and clarity that all of us here strive for in our own broken ways.  You are WELL.  PERFECT.  And even though this day will never feel perfect to me, it is well.  It is well with my soul as we celebrate you, Kate, turning three years old.  Your birthday is a day of remembrance, of love, of longing, of pain, of celebration and of grace.   I have people taking care of me today as you know.  And we will celebrate you tonight with your grandparents who miss you so.  Your sweet sisters want to do our balloon launch so it will be a night of pink desserts and pink balloons for YOU.  How fitting that as I went out early this morning that there were pink stripes in the sky as the sun rose.  You will forever be HOT PINK to us :).  And you will forever be our little WARRIOR for the Lord.  Sing, dance and twirl in celebration today, for you are FREE.  I love you with all of my heart.  I will forever treasure the hours you were in our arms and the gift of being your mommy.   Nothing else compares.  Nothing.

I love you to the moon and back,
Mommy

2016 WORD(s)

Around three weeks ago there was a lot of buzz about the new year .... about resolutions, "words", hopes, and goals.  I felt it this year, the excitement of starting fresh.  I felt reinvigorated about  life and what may lie ahead in the coming year.  The holidays truly wore me out this year.  I didn't want it to happen, but leading up to December 25th I started caving to the pressure and to the expectations.  To the busyness and the hustle.  Then, I found myself mad about the fact that I caved; and it took me a bit to recover.  But I did.  And I found myself filled with excitement about January and 2016 as the calendar turned.  Fast forward to today .......

It's amazing what a couple of weeks can do. :).  The emotional buzz fades, and normal life and routine sets in.  It's now nearing the end of January and you can sense the fade in others too.

But my reason for coming here today was to share  my "WORDS" for 2016.  Yes, I am a little late in the month, but as I type I do not think it is a coincidence because one of my words is STEADFAST.   And steadfastness doesn't come by following the emotional breeze that blows through when we feel high and excited in the new year.  Steadfastness usually comes when things are hard or mundane ..... when we choose to persevere.  Steadfast means constant, firm, steady, unwavering, or unshaken.  Will my world, my circumstances, be shaken at times? Of course.  Most likely in varying degrees.  I have learned what it is to cling to him in the hardest of hard.  My hope is that I learn what this word means in the smaller things this year.  In the daily challenges of life with a husband and kids.  In my own internal battles and challenges.  In decision making and in discipline. I want to stand firm in my beliefs and in my faithfulness so that my life reflects a new way of being and of responding in daily frustrations.  I believe it begins with having my heart fixed on Him in prayer.  In prayer, I will fight.   I want my thought life and emotional life to be less rocky, less swayed, less shaken.  I want to be able to stand confidently against opposition because of the way I am fixed on and tethered to Jesus.   So that's my staring place and my thoughts thus far.  I look forward to what God has to teach me about being steadfast in his ways and in walking with him.  I know there is much more to come.  
As this month has begun I have had some scriptures come to my mind:

"You will keep in perfect peace all who trust in you, all whose thoughts are fixed on you. "  - Isaiah 26:3

"Therefore my dear brothers and sisters, stand firm.  Let nothing move you.  Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain." 1 Corinthians 15:58

This next one is important to me because I had this written on my chalkboard as we headed to the hospital to deliver Kate, unknowingly entering a season of suffering.  He has brought it back to my mind. 
"And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast." - 1 Peter 5:10 

And isn't it just like God to back me up a bit, and first remind me of his steadfast love?  He has been doing this in my quiet time.  He's reminding me that his love is the source of any energy and effort I have .......his unwavering, unshakable, constant love that roots me deeply.       

This discipline of picking a word every year has really blessed me. I always find it fascinating to see how God works these words out in me and in others I am in community with.  While I find STEADFAST more of a calling word (something he is calling me to live into), my second word, BLOOM, is a vision word.  It's something that is beyond me and my efforts.  BLOOMING is a God job.  It happens in His time and His process.  And I believe it is coming.  I feel and sense it.  The rooting and growing.  The tender shoots emerging in process.  The blooms are coming.  When I looked up the definition this is what I found: 
come into or be in full beauty or health; flourish.  thrive. open. mature. Become radiant and glowing.  

Those words hit me just right.  When I read them, I knew BLOOM was it for 2016.  I am grateful for his vision and for his process in me.  Though sometimes it feels slow or confusing, I trust him.  I have marveled at how faithful and loving he has been in the past.  So I wait expectantly to be amazed once again.  Happy 2016 to you all!  I would love to hear your "words" if you practice this.