A letter to my girl - ONE YEAR!

My precious Kate,

It is the day of your first birthday.  I rested my head on my pillow last night with tears falling, and I awoke this morning to what seemed like the same tears on my cheeks.  They were crying the same thing, "my love, oh how I miss you".  And oh, how near you feel on this day, in these hours.  It's not just another day of missing you, like it seems it should be.  It marks so much, this date .... November 17th, and it forever will.  It will forever be a holy date to me.

The missing you is very deep, very real, and so tangible today.  My heart is faint within me as I feel you once more.  As I remember what it was to have you in my arms.  Such love, such sorrow, such a sacred moment in time that will be with me forever.  It was the most dreadful day of my life in some ways, yet I would go back in a heartbeat to be with you.  Right now, I would run as fast as I could to that hospital room and experience it all over if I knew we could be together. Oh to experience you, my daughter, before my eyes and in my arms.

There has been a tension in me all week as your birthday has been approaching.  The tension of missing you and celebrating you.  By God's grace, our hearts ARE free to celebrate.  So we did on Saturday night.   We celebrated where you are, who you are with, and the wholeness and joy you know.  We celebrated God's goodness in the midst of tragedy and how we have experienced his promises to be true.  And we celebrated one another, Kate's biggest fans, who have held one another up and loved each other as we have experienced this devastating loss.  You are much to lose and much to be celebrated.  I have had endless gifts, phone calls, texts and emails today reminding how you mattered.  How you matter!  Lives changed because of you my sweet girl.  People understanding the hope and promises of Christ beyond this earth.  People grasping God's love for them.  People learning to trust, not in the things of this world, but in the kingdom of heaven.  People actually praising God and understanding his goodness in the wake of unthinkable pain.  People even entertaining the thought of a God who loves and cares for them.  People drawn together.  It's truly beautiful what your sweet presence brought to this earth, Kate.  You have forever changed hearts, minds, and futures.  God has been forming us as individuals and as a people.  We are thankful.

Our night remembering and celebrating Kate Ryan.  The perfect company, great food, heart felt words and prayers, flowers, wine, tears, laughter, hugs, lighted balloons released in the night sky .... all for you my love.

So, on your birthday, you, Kate Ryan.... just rejoice. Be loved. Be near. Know how cherished you are. Run. Play.  Know how missed you are....how you will always be deep in my heart where you belong.  You are mine, forever my youngest girl.  And we ..... we will hold tight another day to Jesus as we miss you and remember the GLORIOUS and HOLY day that was November 17th, 2013.  We will cry, remember, love, laugh, and sing to you.  We will fix our eyes on Jesus, who holds us all.

Daddy and mommy starting a new tradition of a special lunch and Andres dessert.

Girls wanted to sing happy birthday at breakfast as we do on all birthday mornings in our home.

I feel you again deep in my bones today.  All the memories washing ashore to my heart and mind.  There is a pure and holy missing today.  It is clearly Kate Ryan's day.  You are ever present in us all; unmistakable that it is the day you graced us with your presence one short year ago.  Our hearts are uniquely tender,  and so is HIS peace that is tending to us.  We mark this day to love and honor you, while you have marked us for a lifetime .... changed forever.

Happy Birthday Kate Ryan Swob!!
I love you to the moon and back,
Mommy

HOPE

This pregnancy journey has been filled with enormous amounts of grace from the very beginning.  As I laid eyes on those 2 pink lines, I am not sure if my heart stopped or jumped out of my chest. I think it did both simultaneously.  I felt completely overwhelmed with fear, joy, excitement, anxiety, love, grief ..... all in a matter of minutes ..... they rushed in and out and through me.  And very shortly after, I began to experience the grace of God being poured out.  I remembered, suddenly remembered, words people had said to me over the last few months about this moment in time.  God was reminding me of how He was in this.  My heart relaxed in his presence, knowing He was all over this.   I was so thankful in those moments for all those who had been praying for us and even responding when prompted. 

It was a Tuesday when we found out.  The Friday prior,  I had tackled Kate's room for the first time.  Grace.  Two days later, on Sunday, I was baptized, symbolizing my new life in Christ.  Yes, new life.  Grace.  What a beautiful expression of God's love and care just to give me these little glimpse of his hand on me, on us.  I knew this was all going to be okay. 

There is a confidence running through me because I know deep down that God's hand is all over this gift of new life.  I carry this confidence with me, but I cannot say it is unwavering.  This has been, and will continue to be, a scary journey for us.  It's just a different pregnancy this time around.  Different than the other three.  I know things I didn't know before.  The fragility of it all.  I take nothing for granted.  Every day that this little guy is with me I give thanks and love him with all of my heart.   Some days I can't even hope past today so I continue to give thanks.  That is my act of worship and praise.  

I have wrestled with God's trustworthiness.  That in itself has been discouraging to me after all we have seen him be and do for us.  How could I struggle?   I KNOW that He is trustworthy because I have experienced it over and over in my life, but I have days where I still question.... will he be in this??  Will he be trustworthy in the way I really want him to be?  He is faithful and will carry us through anything.  I know who he is in the darkness.  But to be truthful, that's not how I want to experience him this time.  I honestly don't want to know how good he will be in the hard times.  I want a healthy baby in my arms.  That's what I want.  This is the wrestling I am doing with him right now.  I walked away from a conference this weekend saying "I am going to believe my God IS and WILL BE trustworthy, and that I am going to allow myself to hope.  I am going to let myself be loved."  So I am doing my best.  To stay by God's side and allow him to love me through every fear.  To allow him to comfort me as only he can.  This is working out my salvation with fear and trembling.  Placing my hope in him and continuing to cry out to him with the desires of my heart.  Trusting.  

It's not easy, but it's also really beautiful.  A sweet friend reminded me the other day that this is the beginning of my little guy's story.  Our story.  Something only we will share.  It's helping me to embrace the hard parts and not just want the pregnancy to be over.  That's not really a way to live .... just wishing things away. Wanting and waiting for the end result.  That is not living my life in Christ.  I want to do this with my Father, to recieve his GRACE, find the beauty in the hard things, and hope and trust in him for my daily bread.  This is what it is to live fully alive in Him as I wait.  He is the gift in the waiting.  My prayer is that I would receive the gift daily, or hourly, so that this process is much more than a process.  It is a beautiful journey willed with peace, love, and grace.  A journey that is  just the beginning of my little guy's story.  A story of HOPE. 

 

 

 

Miracles

I am so very blessed by my two miracles, Jadyn and Maci, that are beside me every day.  I am blessed by my miracle, Kate,  that is above me in heaven.   And I am blessed these recent days by the little miracle inside me that is baby boy Swob. 

Yes, it's true.  A pregnancy.  New life.  A boy.   It's all still soaking in.  I am only 14 weeks but we had blood work done that was able to reveal the gender.  We are thrilled and wanted to share our wonderful news.  I look forward to sharing more about the journey this pregnancy has already been and what it will continue to be.    But for today, that's all I have!  A fun announcement! 

11 months - a letter to my girl

Sweet baby girl,

It’s absolutely unbelievable to think that you would be 11 months old today my Kate.   That is only one month away from being ONE YEAR old.  It breaks me and it also raises up in me a need to celebrate.  To celebrate and remember the day we met you.  A desire to celebrate that we have made it this far, when in the early days tomorrow seemed impossible to reach.  And my heart longs to remember the faithfulness of God to us in our deepest of pain over the last year.   All of this a culmination of my love for you sweet baby.  My love for you has kept me going.  It’s kept me grieving and kept me hoping.   My tears are a way I feel near to you again.  My hoping reminds me of the perfect home you enjoy, and that one day we will share the wonders of that place. 

There is a song called "Glory Baby" that has comforted me over the months.  A friend wrote out the lyrics and gave them to me the day we said goodbye to you.  Yesterday a sweet friend sent this picture as she was remembering you ..... remembering us.  And they are perfect words for you today sweet girl. 

Yes, do this Kate Ryan.  Run to sweet Jesus and let him hold you.  Let his arms hold you .... His perfect love hold you, until we can.  

I love you to the moon and back,

Mommy 

10 months - a letter to my girl

My sweet Kate,

Today I think about Mary, and how she "treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart" regarding her son, Jesus.  There is mention of this at least twice in the gospel of Luke.  I understand this about Mary as I think of you.  The time I had with you is absolute treasure that has saturated by whole being forever.  Ten months ago, I soaked in and treasured those moments we held you to the very best of my ability with my broken and devastated heart.   I pondered then and I ponder now.

It is so sweet to have my mind set on you, my daughter.  I still believe with everything in me that you were SO perfect.  Broken in the world's eyes because your heart did not beat one time outside of my womb.  Yet, I trust that your creator had EVERY single one of your days outside of my womb ordained for HIS glorious Kindgdom.  And what could be more perfect than that?   When I miss seeing you snuggled in your daddy's arms, I remember that the PERFECT daddy's arms hold you, and caress you, and love you.  You are my little miracle .... a miracle of another world.   In all of God's wisdom and majesty He knew all the power your short little life would hold.  You are AMAZING!!

Believing these things doesn't make me miss you one ounce less, it just reminds me of God's power, sovereignty and redeeming love.  It takes away a little of the sting now as my heart heals.  But oh, how we want to see you crawling all over the place and learning words.  We want to rub your back and sing "Jesus loves me" over you every night.  We want to know what your favorite foods would be.  We want, we want, we want .......
The desire for your life on earth will never go away, but we find comfort in knowing your dwelling place.  The house of the Lord, filled with his sweet presence.  Breathe it in, sweet baby, as your heart beats PERFECTLY right next to His.

I love you to the moon and back,
Mommy 

these days.... new days

These recent days have held so much.  Moving forward.  Celebration.  Remembering.  Missing.  Hoping.  Believing.  Proclaiming.  Surrendering.  Rejoicing.

I have been waiting for the day that I would "know".  Know when it was right to start in Kate's room.  Her room hasn't been off limits by any means.  Jadyn and Maci still had some of their "play room" in there when she was born so it has been played in for months now.  I have struggled off and on over the last few months as I look in Kate's room and see doll house disaster, Barbie bombs, journals, stickers, books ... everything that 6 and 8 year old girls make messes with.  I tidy it up and move forward.  
On Friday I found myself with time and space.  I sat on my patio in the morning, not feeling great, but feeling the nudge I had been waiting for.  It felt like time to begin.  I thought about packing up clothes, shoes, hats ... the little things to start with.   I asked for prayer, I invited a friend, and I began.  This friend I called ... she knows how to get after tasks like no one else I know.  An organization queen she is!!  I wasn't in a "get after it" mood but God had given me peace that it was right to ask her into this day with me. I was so very proud of and thankful for who this friend was this day.  Jill waited with me to find my way.  We cried and we got started.  She asked and she honored.  She was patient with me yet led me when I appeared paralyzed.   She was just who I needed.  We went through some of Kate's things and kept out the "specials".  We packed away tights, and shoes, blankets, burp cloths and bottles.  We got rid of clutter and simplified the space.  We had give, sell, and keep piles. All of the big girls stuff went to the basement and we created an honoring, sacred space for Kate.  As we worked we stopped to cry and remember.  I felt overwhelmed with supernatural peace again and again.  It was physical and tangible.  As we slowly moved along it became clear where we were heading, and we did just that much.  Just enough.  We allowed the important things to remain for now.... her crib, dresser, bookshelves, rocking chair, and special memories.   It feels so honoring.  I love what her room is now, but I also love what it has been.  I know that the freedom and life and fun that has taken place in that room over the last nine months has honored Jadyn and Maci's process.   And for all of this I am thankful.   It's GRACE.

Two short days later held more GRACE.  So much more grace.  Oh  my goodness, grace.  I had planned to be baptized on Sunday at our all church baptism.  This really has been one of my favorite days of the year for the last 8 years or so.  I have been there to witness, to pray, to stand along side ....  but this year I was going IN.  I had felt a quiet whisper and a gentle nudge sporadically throughout the summer.  I really had been uncertain up until the last few days, but as the time approached I really believed God was asking me to take this step.  To trust him with what this day and these moments would hold.  
I desired to proclaim what I have found out about him in the last nine months ...  many things of which I have shared in this blog.  Basically, that I am DONE fighting against His grace and trying to be enough.  That his grace holds all power, all provision, all protection.  That He CAN BE trusted with my surrendered heart.  I no longer have to fear my weakness; for He is strongest in my weakest of days.   I have been singing with my voice from the depths of who I am, "He is God and I am not".  I have been powerless as I faced death in my arms,  and I know now what it is to be dependent and in need ..... completely.... and there is nowhere else I'd rather be than in the arms of Christ.  I have found in Him my anchor and my hope; and I want to live the rest of my days for him and out of His spirit that lives inside of me.  There is no one else worth following. 
I stepped up to share my testimony ..... still trembling a bit.   I didn't want to prepare what I was going to say because I didn't want to perform in any way.  This season for me has been about freedom as well.  I was going to trust that what I had to say was already "in me".  I did.  With all of those most precious to me surrounding me.  With Shelley by my side as she has been for the last 2 years.  His words came, and went, freely.   Shelley's blessing of prayer came.  Beautifully, it came, and went.  And then ..... in a moment of silence and a call for others to be baptized,  my sweet and courageous friend, Lindsey, stepped forth as God nudged her to.  She shared her surrendered heart and desire to let her old self die with Christ to be raised with him as well.  This was not planned.  This was the Spirit of the Lord.  We just can't argue with it.  A short while later we went to the waters and my other sweet and courageous friend, Kelly, boldly walked into the waters and let her heart crumble before him ..... ready to be washed clean and made new.  Jesus, Jesus, precious Jesus.  Only YOU can come up with these things.  
I have prayed about the day that I would be able to stand beside some of these ladies at their baptism.  Little did I know that I would be baptized, to then turn around moments later and participate in the baptism of my dearest of friends.  The ones I have discipled.  The ones I have called friends. The ones whom I have supported and who have supported me.  The ones who have helped carry me in my darkest of days.  The ones who have taught me much by walking along side them.  All of this, only minutes after being baptized by one that is also so dear to my heart .....it is truly a treasure to be known and loved by Shelley.  The questions she asked me at my baptism ..... whew.... there are no words.  Just straight to the soul.  She knew what I needed to declare and I did .... with a bold "YES".  With an "ABSOLUTELY".  With an "I DO".   Shelley on one side and my Dave on the other.  The one who has loved and supported and put up with me!!   I just told him on Friday when I was cleaning out Kate's room, "there is no other person I would want to walk through the darkest of days with than him".  He is tender and strong in all the right ways and at mostly the right time. :) 
A circle of friends and family that have been part of this journey with me .... the sweetness of these moments are FOREVER in my heart and mind.  August 24th, 2014..... epic, sacred, holy.  A family day like no other. 

These days .... I am thankful for.  God has been so good and so gracious and so loving to me.  I was surrounded on Sunday by the most GENUINE, the most LOVING, the most SUPPORTIVE friends and family a person could ask for.   And I KNOW..... with everything in me that my Kate was celebrating and rejoicing over me/ us as well. All of this a ripple effect of her life.  I know a new life and a new intimacy with the Father ..... the one that she knows and experiences.  We share something NEW.  It's a new day. 

9 months ..... letters to our girl from Daddy and Mommy

My dear Kate,

These milestones continue to come.  It is not that we miss you more on these days, everyday we miss you my love.  The milestones just carry a calendar reminder that the days continue to go on; and on these days there seems to be a greater attention brought to remembering.  For us and for others.  And today it seemed like a celebration type of day in my heart and in my spirit.  The tears didn't flow as easily as they normally do, and the heaviness was not as great.  Today, when people texted to say how much they miss you,  I thought to myself, "of course they do ... because YOU were one amazing, precious light!".  A BEAUTIFUL child of God (and of mine :)).   We are unable to be blessed with your amazing presence here on this earth and that is what makes us ache.  

So tonight, I celebrate you.  The purity, the light, the love that is Kate Ryan Swob.  I celebrate that you are receiving all light, and all love, and all purity right where you are.  You are right where you belong even though we still long for you in our arms and in our lives sweet girl.  

You are forever part of our family precious daughter.   I love you beyond words ....
 ....to the moon and back,

Mommy 

My dearest Kate,

Happy 9 month birthday sweet daughter.  As I sat in church today, it was so very apparent that you were not with me. It hit me in the midst of a song that my arms were empty and cool as opposed to warm from a sleeping baby in my arms. The days I think of you are somewhat less now, I have to admit. When you are on my mind however, it is painful to think about your chubby little cheeks, arms and legs and you in the arms of your sisters.

As we looked through the many pictures of you tonight I am reminded of the many things I am grateful for. The chance to see you, hold you, give you your one and only bath, for Vanessa our Doula walking us through such a day, for all of the pictures that recorded every moment of that sleep deprived day and for all of the family and friends we call family that were by our side. Oh how God carried us through those moments and loved us through that time. Prayers, tears, hugs, well wishes, cards, food, food and more fantastic food, ginger bread lattes, special gifts for the girls, candles, cozy blankets, Christmas lights on our house, leaves raked, house cleaned over and over, laundry done over and over, flowers, plants (a whole garden worth), wine, great beer, ballet tickets and a painting of Jesus holding and kissing you at 6 months of age. What?!... Yes, all that and

I am sure more that I am forgetting.  We were and are so very blessed.

I/we miss you Kate Ryan. We were supposed to be crawling around on the floor together tonight, napping together while watching football, caring for you as a family, feeding you new foods and putting you in cute little outfits. The only thing that brings me any comfort and peace is knowing that I will see you again and that you are no doubt in the best hands possible. Hands that are always full of love, patience and gentleness. The hands that created you in all of your uniqueness. Hands that will one day make wrong things right, will bind up the broken hearted, free all captives, release prisoners from darkness and comfort all who mourn. Jesus can't come soon enough.... I have never looked

more forward to that day before now and am ready to go when He calls me home. Until then, we pray, cry, scream, laugh and wait.

I love you baby girl with all my heart,

daddy

Carry Me

In one week, Jadyn and Maci return to school.  For the first time both of my girls will be gone all day.  I believe there is a normal emptiness this brings to any stay at home mom.   We spend years nurturing and loving and preparing them for these days. Hoping that as we send them off, their hearts and minds are equipped for the hours and days without us.   With it comes a tension of loss and gain.  Loss of time and influence and memories to be made.  Gained freedom and opportunity and peace :).   
But what I feel this year goes beyond the normal tension.  The loss is much more painful and the gain less sweet. 

You see, what I had in mind for next week was so very different.  It was to be a time of celebration in seeing my big girls move forward, and a time to start anew as a mother to a wee one all over again.  It pains me to say that one year ago I was having a hard time getting used to that idea, and now..... Oh, how I would do ANYTHING to be getting used to it.   Oh, how I would do anything for THAT to be my reality.  For Kate Ryan's presence to be filling my days and moving me forward as her mommy.

So, I believe what I am experiencing is less tension and more loss.  The gain and the celebration is still before me,  but it feels almost impossible to SEE through the pain of losing so much.  I admit that I fear the emptiness of the days ahead.  What was supposed to be is not.  My home will not be full of life.  Not full of naps and tears and bottles and diapers.  Not full of tried patience and long days with a little one.  Not full of "firsts".   First steps and first outings.  

I am just so thankful for the hope that God continues to offer me as I hold on to him with all of my might.  He gives me glimpses of the future that offer excitement and wonder ..... oh how he loves me.  Oh how he loves me.  Carry me, Jesus, in the days ahead.   Through what should be a "normal" tension, but is instead an emptiness no mother should know. 



 

Learning to rest, resting to learn

Learning to rest.  And resting to learn.  

There are so many lessons in rest, but we can hardly be still long enough to even see and believe that.  I confess the season of rest has been difficult for me.  And many times along the way I have felt like I have failed miserably or been doing it "all wrong".  It has definitely been a place of finding a new way.  I am attempting not to beat myself up and feel condemnation, but instead experience the truth of the Lord's ever present grace as I learn. .....  to rest, and receive the lessons in rest.

I have been stopping recently to reflect on what God has been revealing to me.  I STOP this morning (on a beautifully rainy morning in my quiet and still home) and I am reminded.  Reminded of the truths He has shown me over the last few months.  
I praise Him for the things I now know  ...... the things that have made a transforming shift from mind to heart deep inside of me .....

My value is not on based on what I do or any "position" I have.   Not based on any recognition, being seen, or who I am to others.  I have value because I am His.  Redeemed and loved.  A work in progress.  Broken and beautiful.  One He treasures and one whom He lives inside .... ready to be shown through me.

I LEAD as I LIVE and follow Jesus.  That is enough.  I am a leader.   

Not being liked is okay.  If everyone likes me, I am probably not living boldly enough and brave enough.   My identity is not based on what others think of me.  I am secure in His approval, not others.  

I can survive the darkest of days and the deepest of losses.  Even when they are piled upon one another.  He holds me.  

His peace is available in the wildest of storms.

God's sovereignty can be trusted.  He knows what He is doing way better than I.   He can be trusted with my life.   I do not have to figure it out, just follow him.

His voice is the ONLY one worth following.

In quiet listening prayer we find his guidance.  

The light of life is found in experiencing the depths of darkness.  How hard it is to face the vulnerable feelings of pain and fear, but oh how much life is found right there in the places we try s0 desperately to avoid.  We know joy only as fully as we know pain. 

A quiet life is a powerful life.

Community is a GIFT from God. I can love community, but not more than I love God.  I must love God more than I love his good gifts.

I only want to go where He is moving.  May I continue to be sensitive to His movement and not my own striving.

My family is my first responsibility and ministry.  What a privilege!

We must always have safe places to heal and be loved as we find our way and do ministry. 

True things remain. 

I am not perfect at these things and I am finding absolute freedom as I learn.  I am tempted daily by identity traps and seeking control over my life.   I am learning to surrender.   Learning to relax in his presence as I rest.  As I STOP.  Stop being busy, stop controlling, stop seeing with my own eyes.  Stop avoiding.  Stop knowing for sure the way things are.  Resting requires a STOP.  Stopping to rest is a deep deep trust place.  Our eyes are opened to all the things we are dependent upon that are not worthy of our hope and trust.... not worthy of our dependence.   I am beyond thankful for this time to be still and be prepared for what's next.  I can become anxious with excitement and wonder as I think about the future, but for now I continue to REMAIN.  Attached to him as I wait for His release. 

 

8 months - A letter to my girl

Sweet Kate,

Today feels difficult my love.  I can be in "coping mode"and then the unexpected just triggers me.  Yesterday it was the zoo.  Off we went with Grammy to meet Aunt Audra and your cousins.  Your sisters were filled with anticipation to see the polar bears, and the penguins (which we hadn't seen yet).  It wasn't long before we were inside the gates on this 75 degree July day and I saw the sea of strollers.   I noticed myself just shutting down in this moment out of self protection and a means of survival.  But the truth is, I just missed you.  I missed you so terribly much in that moment and in many moments throughout the day.  I didn't fully let myself feel it until much later, but when I did I was reminded of how awfully wrong life is without you.  You should be on my hip seeing the animals at the zoo for the first time.  I should be pushing my napping Kate in her stroller .... that now sits empty in our garage.  Dang.  Oh how I wish things were different and not so dang difficult.

I know God will carry me through these days as he has been.  He is faithful, and has given me so many days filled with hope and life and joy.  I am being awakened to a new life in Him.  I know how deep his love is and how sufficient his grace.  I understand what it means to have my faith built on a solid rock. Christ my cornerstone.  I know what it is to be held and forgiven.  Freed.
Many of these things have happened since you were born.  In no way do I believe God allowed your death in order for these things to happen in me.  I do, though, believe that they are a consequence of your short life here and your death.  God uses ALL things for the good of those who love him who have been called according to his purpose (Romans 8:28).  He is using your way too short life, my love, to awaken my soul and others' as well.

I hope you met your friend Hally this past week.  She ran into the arms of Jesus last week .... way too soon in our human understanding here.  Only nine.   She was just playing with Jadyn last month, and I now have hope that she is playing with you .... that she is like your big sister there in heaven for now.   

I love you.  My heart still feels like it might explode if I feel to the full how much my I love and miss you all at once.  I have to let it out in doses.  You my dear,  ....my hot pink warrior, my too sweet for this world, precious one, are adored and treasured and never forgotten.  Not one day passes without thoughts about you, tears shed for you, or chatter about our broken hopes and dreams for you.  Thankful tonight that our hope is not placed in ourselves, in our health, or in a perfect life here on earth, but that our hope is placed alone in Jesus Christ our Lord and Savior who right now kisses you tenderly "goodnight".  Goodnight baby girl.  Goodnight.

I love you to the moon and back,
Mommy 

 

Prayer

Our dearest of friends lost their niece last week to a terribly rare infection from lake water.  We will celebrate her life today and I ask for your prayers.  Hally and Jadyn were just playing over a month ago; jumping on a trampoline.  She was so full of life and love.  They were reacquainting themselves, laughing, and enjoying life to the full in the way children do.  Our hearts break today and they also rejoice knowing she is in the arms of Jesus.  
This morning I read Psalm 84 in my devotion time.  I am praying for all of Hally's family to dwell deeply in His living presence today, knowing that He is capable of holding their hearts so close to his; feeling tightly wrapped in his arms.  His promise is for blessing to those who dwell in the house of the Lord.  Even as they pass through the valley of Baca springs will rise. 
Surrounded by love from family and friends, today we all will enter into the house of God.  Broken hearted but not destroyed. 
Will you join me in interceding for this amazing family?  Her parents, siblings, extended family, and the community of friends who love her deeply. 
.    

Sacred Spaces

Last week my big girls were at camp so I received the gift of alone time.  A lot of it.  A lot of it that went very quickly, as it always does.  I had been fighting for peace the week prior.   Nothing major, just feeling tugged and pulled in a million different directions.  Doing a lot of good and fun things......just a lot.  A lot going on is not what I am going for!! :)  I am still noticing a great need for rest, stillness and taking care of myself.  I am noticing the necessity to still be around people in my "care castle" often.  Those I never feel the need to "be anything" with.  Those whom I can still cry in the middle of dinner if I need to, or those who can just sit with me in the silence. 

On Wednesday, I took a little window of time to go to the Kauffman gardens.   This has been such a special place to me.  A place where I began a journey of claiming my identity as God's child.  He has spoken tender things to me in this place through the beauty of the gardens, statues, and fountains.  It has been a holy place, really.  I was hoping to go and "catch my breath" a bit.  To be still ...... and be reminded that He is God.   I arrived expectant to hear His voice.  Not expecting to hear anything in particular, just expectant to meet with my Maker.   

I took a little walking tour through the front gardens.  As I have been working on Kate's garden, I am beginning to learn the names of more plants and flowers.  This time it was fun to walk through naming plants and flowers in my mind.  She has opened my eyes to a new world in this way and given me new knowledge.  I definitely do not have a green thumb yet but I am enjoying this process for sure.  Some of the flowers I picked out for her garden were among the first I saw upon arrival.  A sweet reassurance to me.  God.  It's the little things sometimes. 


I moved on to the back garden; the one with the statues of dancers that has been so sacred to me.  I sat on a bench which I have never sat on before, and gained a new view, a new perspective.  The perfect perspective on this day.  The landscape of beauty before me ..... the beauty's blessing fell fresh on me.  It felt like perfection for a moment.  The blue sky.  Sun shining brightly through the trees, it's warmth on my skin and a pocket of shade to scoot into when I needed.  Vibrant flowers before my eyes and the constancy of the splashing fountain.   The freedom of the dancers in front of me.  It doesn't take long for my mind to wander to "I wish my girl was here", but the thought barely formed before I began to experience what God wanted me to know that day.  He gave me a gift .... but a glimpse of my girl's home, her heaven, her perfection.  It doesn't take long for the tears to fall in these moments.  Before I knew it the warmth of the sun couldn't touch the warmth in my heart.  The tears felt so pure.  Pure rejoicing.  Pure joy.   I don't really know how to reconcile that or if it even makes sense when I miss her so much, but it felt true for that moment.  God's healing tears.  I imagined the moment she was received into this glory  .......that Jesus just held her tightly in his arms and let her take in all that was before her.  I imagined what she saw and what she heard ..... a choir of angels rejoicing over her arrival.   The feeling of being safe in his arms.  The warmth of it all.

"He will wipe every tear from their eyes.  There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.  Revelation 21:4

I continued to sit.  I continued to wait.  I would know when to go.  God continued to speak to me about some different situations in my life.  Questions that are nagging in my spirit.  I didn't necessarily receive answers, but I received the comfort and consolation that His presence gives.  Encouragement for the moment, for the day.  My daily bread.  But before I left there was a revelation that came fresh.  Something I knew but needed a reminder of.    I moved to sit along the ground and set my eyes upon my favorite statue there.  God whispered to me ..... "the same rejoicing that happened in heaven upon Kate's arrival is over you now my love.  It is there.  It is constant.  You must believe it."   Does my believing cause the rejoicing?  Is it some act of "you do this and I'll give that"?  Absolutely not.  That is not how God works.  His gifts are there.  My believing is just a condition of the receiving.  My believing opens up the flood gates of heaven to me, where I am the recipient of His promises, His life, His precious gifts.  

"The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save, He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing."  Zepahniah 3:17

Seven months - a letter to my girl

My dear Kate,

Yesterday marked 7 months since we met you.  SEVEN months.  That seems impossible, as I miss you just as much as I did on November 18th.  Of course, it feels less distressing and traumatic but my heart yearns the same for your presence and your LIFE.

I do believe that you are enjoying so much life, though, where you are sweet girl.  That brings such enormous comfort to my soul .... you are smiling and laughing and dancing and playing.  You are being held and adored and loved.  You are tasting the sweetness of perfection.  God's perfect kingdom.  No tears, no sadness, no pain.  You are blessed baby girl.  You never had to know the pain of brokenness, of tears, of heartache.  

I have struggled the last week or so to keep my eyes above the waves when I miss you.  I have struggled to stay afloat when I taste the bitterness of all things broken in my life.  This morning, I remember the story of Peter stepping out of the boat and, in his amazement, walking on water toward Jesus.  When Peter's eyes were on Jesus, he stayed above water.  When he took his eyes off of Jesus, and began to focus on the wind and the waves, he began to sink.  So. will. I.  If I take my eyes off of the one who holds us, I will sink.  

So, I fight today.  For you, my love, I fight.  I will fight to keep my eyes on Christ and trust that his hand will keep me above the waves.  Afloat.   That same power that kept Peter above water, will keep me.  The same power and love that came in a moment and took you into all glory, will come for me.  The kingdom you enjoy will be manifested here in the moments I choose to SEE and keep my eyes above the waves.  I will take His hand and LIVE.  

I love you so much precious girl.   I am so thankful that you understand it all.  That you grasp how deep and high and wide my love is for you.  You get it.  You have understanding that I cannot wait to obtain.  You SEE .... clearly and completely.  You are whole and healed.  My heart rejoices for you in those things.  Be loved sweet one.  Be loved by the ones tending to you now.   And know ...... you are always and forever mine.  I can't wait to have you in my arms once again.

I love you to the moon and back,
Mommy   

Sigh

There have been a lot of deep sighs again.  The physical symptom of my aching heart ..... deep sighs.  Trying to catch my breath sighs.  "This is not okay, but I am okay" sighs.  Releasing frustration when the family in our neighborhood brings home their perfect newborn sighs.  Oh, how I love them, and their new baby; it's just a reminder of how unfair life is sometimes. 

I have been working on a little memorial garden for Kate and it has been lovely and healing,  and also incredibly hard at times.  It's been painful this last week.  I am trying to capture so much in this little area of landscape of plants and flowers.  I am trying to capture my heart for my Kate, and it just feels impossible.  I want it to be "perfect", but I fear that nothing I put there is ever going to feel good enough.  I have been doing my best to enjoy the process.  I was for a while, but this weekend as I was picking out more flowers (whimsical and "girly" flowers), I lost it.  I don't want to be shopping for FLOWERS!   I want to be shopping for dresses and hair bows and itty bitty swimsuits.  I can't right now.  So I am taking a little break and space for my mind and heart.  I am asking for some help with this and I am going to move forward when I can.  

For today, while my girls are gone, I am just going to do my best to sit in the vulnerable place of loss. I am going to care for myself and tend to my heart.  I am going to read and rest on this rainy day with the hope that my joy will be returned.  

"Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, thought the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyful in God my Savior."  - Habakkuk 3:17-18

HEALING

Someone asked me recently, in regard to Kate, "what does healing look like?"  Uncertain how to answer the question I sat quietly for a bit.  All I knew in the next few moments was that healing does NOT mean never feeling sad.  I will feel sad until the day I return home and get to be with her.  I also sensed in my spirit that I AM healing because I think I am learning to live with pain and joy simultaneously.  I'm learning to feel brokenness yet let HOPE remain.  I'm learning to experience wholeness even though the emptiness is there ..... not allowing the  emptiness to swallow me whole.  I'm learning to feel sorrow, yet not despair.   As I type these words it sounds absurdly obvious.  Of course, healing doesn't mean not feeling sad.  I LOST MY DAUGHTER TO DEATH.  At the hand of the one who wants to destroy everything good on this earth.  
I am standing and fighting this one!! The God I love and serve hates this as well and he too is sad.  I will stand on His side and we will fight this with life, love, truth, and healing.  My healing means being sad AND learning to live with this new reality.  That I may still have life and have it to the full.

This has me thinking, though, about some other battles in my life.  I have been battling to understand and live into my identity as God's child.  I have battled to find freedom from the voices of shame and rejection.  I have been in a fight for healing.  Really, it's been an all out war.  And sometimes I've thrown my hands in the air admitting defeat the moment I struggle again.   It was beyond frustrating to have times where I would be "better" only to feel like a backsliding or regression was happening.  And then, in the last few weeks I have had a revelation of sorts about my emotional and spiritual healing.  What if the healing work God has for me right now, in this space in time,  isn't the absence of shame or insecurity?  What if?   What if I have had the wrong idea of what healing would be?  What if I was still even basing my healing on performance?  Geez.... it's been an unrelenting performance trap that I have been in my whole life.  The hang up for me was thinking this wholeness and healing I desire would just be DONE .... that I would never feel the old familiar voices creeping in. Again, seems absurdly obvious as I type it.  But, as I have begun to release this idea a really beautiful thing has happened.  When I struggle again with the voices that lie to me,  I have a choice.   I can choose to BELIEVE that the negativity I am feeling IS NOT ME, just a part of being fully human ...... it's not me "not being good enough", or "healed enough", or "backsliding".   I can choose to believe this is just a place of struggle.  A struggle that I may have until the day I die.  Just as I will have sadness.  It does not equal defeat. 

Even if the shame creeps in again, I can believe I AM OKAY.  My broken song only means that I am in desperate need of Jesus, the Perfect One.  Maybe this is his way, for now,  of keeping me close to him and helping me understand his grace and freedom.   One day, I may never struggle, ever again, with insecurity or shame.  I will continue to pray for that, but I do believe my wholeness and healing is available to me now, without the absence of it.  I can struggle and not be defeated because of His power in me, the same power that raised Jesus from the dead.  I can struggle and not be defeated because he conquered the grave.  I can find wholeness, peace, and healing moment by moment, day by day ..... right in the midst of my struggle and pain and weakness because of something called "FIERCE GRACE". (as my friend Faith named it) :) 

You know, the apostle Paul, had a thorn in his flesh.  It is described in 2 Corinthians as a messenger of Satan sent to torment him. He pleaded with God to have it removed and The Lord said, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."   So I am learning to stand in my weakness and let his grace be sufficient for every moment .  Struggle, sin, pain, rejection, or weakness cannot knock me down in defeat.  I am in this battle with the God of the universe on my side. We face these things TOGETHER.  Sometimes I need help from others too and I have those warriors standing around me ready to fight. 

And the truth is, great is the price of my healing.  Jesus' life.....that is the GREATEST price.   Truth is, it IS FINISHED and COMPLETE, my healing.  Done on the cross.  I just have to learn to STAND in it. Not perform for it.  Not be perfectly free from struggle.... whatever that means in my eyes. 
So I will STAND, not deterred by the voices and old familiar ways of my past that will creep in.  Undeterred, I STAND, in a grace filled, open, free place.  This atmosphere is amazing here.  I want no other way, no other space ...... only FIERCE GRACE.  

Six months - a letter to my girl

My dearest Kate,

Yesterday was your 6 month birthday.  It was a beautiful day here, as you know.  We were so blessed to spend time with some our dearest of friends celebrating their son Alex's graduation.  The Lynch's love you like we love you sweet girl.  They are our family, not born of of blood, but of the spirit of God.  They stand with us always ..... suffering, rejoicing, forgiving,  patient...... they believe for us when we can't.  They encourage and remind ......  remind us of where our HOPE comes from, the Maker of heaven and earth.  Your maker.  My maker.  I stood at their house yesterday sharing stories with two other women who lost babies in similar ways to the way we lost you.  I am sure you are running and playing with Brayden and Ellie.  Their mommy hearts hurt like mine, even after 18 years for one of them.  Tears rolled down her face as we talked about you both.   A mother's love runs deep.  Often too deep for words; only tears can communicate this love.

I am thankful, my love, for every tear shed for you.  I would cry a million more tomorrow just to be close to you.  It is a way to remember you and to hold you close to my heart. .... the depths of us reaching one another. 

I have peace today; and for that I am thankful to our Lord who gives these sweet gifts.  His peace passes all understanding.  My mind cannot make sense of the suffering we are enduring.  I will make myself crazy trying to figure out why and how and what's next in all of our broken circumstances here.  So I trust.  Over and over and over, I must choose to trust; and remember His faithfulness and how he has gone before us so many times in the last few months.  He continues to anchor my soul when I so desperately just want you to be here and all things to be "right". 

Missing you Kate.  Today and for every day, missing you.

Love,
Mommy 

Mother's Day

Thanksgiving 11 days after Kate's "day" (yes, "day", because sometimes I still don't know what to call it honestly.  birthday? day she came to be with us?  day she left us? still-birthday?   Her time with us being contained in less than 24 hours makes it a little confusing to name) 
Anyway,  Thanksgiving ........  overwhelming.

Christmas 5 weeks later ........... surprisingly okay (probably due to the gift of denial).

New years eve ....... SUCKED.  I had no desire to welcome 2014 if this was our new year and our new reality.

Easter ......... hard and humbling

Mothers Day ........... agonizingly painful, yet gloriously redeemed 

I have two living daughters so I did not expect Mother's Day to be a soul crushing blow.  Hard, yes, but agonizingly painful, NO.  The tides came rushing in again on Saturday.  I sent out a couple SOS's that day letting some of my people know that I was afraid I was being sent out to sea and wasn't sure my head would stay above water.   The grief pounded me so unexpectedly and I just got swallowed up.   The thought of having Mother's Day without one of my children here was almost too much to bear.  The thoughts and memories of Kate Ryan just flooded in.  I lost my almost 6 month old daughter on Saturday.  It felt that real and new.  The hurt was fresh and, as much as I didn't want it to be, I also wanted it to be .... because I felt near to her again.  The deep pain of the loss reminds me of the depth of my mother's love for her.  My heart breaking is the only way to feel the intensity of our relationship and love for one another.  I don't enjoy the sweet kisses and hugs.  I don't get to gaze upon her sleeping.   I am not afforded the joy of giggling with Kate or wiping her tears, so this is actually a gift to me.... to feel this deeply again, even though it is hard as hell.   It comes from the innermost place in me.  It's not really an emotional place.  It's gut wrenching and it just makes me ache, this LOVE. 

So, I made it through Saturday.  I asked my mother in law to host Sunday, and without hesitation she and my mom relieved me from that which felt like a bit too much cooking and cleaning. :)  I was swept away with a friend for a couple of hours with a cherry limeade in hand.  We sat on a blanket outside the Kauffman Gardens and enjoyed the fresh breeze and warm air.  Her  heart grieving with mine, and her just letting me BE (as she reminded me how we ALL wanted this to be different) was comforting.  This friend's presence just heals and I am beyond grateful that I am graced by it in my life.  She knows the mysterious ways of the spiritual life and knows that it's not her.  So being with her, you are often brought right into the love of the Father.  I calmed a bit, and was able to come home to my family and be with them for a while and then get into bed VERY early.  :)   My time with Shelley, some tears with my own mommy, some special texts ........ they gave me hope that I could come face to face with my 1st Mother's Day without Kate and survive. 

I was opening my gifts on Sunday morning with frozen veggies on my face to reduce the swelling from the day before.  The girls were laughing because it was actually a bag of tater tots!  After a  little laughter and some endearing gifts from my precious girls the haze began to lift.  Dave and I  cried together a  little that morning and headed to church.  It was beautiful and I was surrounded by some of those who I love the most and ALWAYS take great care of me when I am hurting.  I was absolutely never far from the minds and hearts of those most special to me.  I received so many messages of love and encouragement that day.  It thrills me to be reminded that others have not forgotten her and they miss her too.   God allowed some people to bear a pretty heavy burden that day (especially Kate's grandparents), and I believe the weight of my burden was being shared.  How beautiful of them to welcome the ache in order that we may all love her together as we miss her. 

It was a beautiful day with our family..... parents, siblings, neices and nephews too.  And I was given one more most precious gift on Sunday (besides having the day with Jadyn and Maci). 

This painting ........  

I will share more about it another time, but my friend Lindsey dropped this off for us, painted by her friend Christy.  This was just the love and assurance I needed from Jesus on Sunday.  It allowed me to rest fully.  I took a deep breath and I rejoiced.  I saw my 6 month old Kate. She is free.  She is in the arms of the one who loves her perfectly.  

If you can't be with your mommy on Mother's Day, Kate Ryan, you run as fast as you can into the arms of Jesus.  You dance, run, swing, and play in the warm sunshine, and you giggle your little heart out precious girl.  I LOVE you.  I love you.  I love you.... with all of my heart, I love YOU.
 

HELD

The last six months have undoubtedly been THE hardest in my life.  If anyone would have told me one year ago that I was about to face this fire I am walking through, I would have said "no way in hell could I withstand that heat and survive".  At least not survive and maintain sanity! :) 

The only way to describe this space in time adequately is to say, "things just aren't the way they are supposed to be. They are just WRONG".  There are constant reminders of the wrongness and they seem to be blaring again.  I don't really know what it is.....what it is that is causing the waves to once again rise so high and aggressively, except that ..... things just aren't right.   Kate would not really be an infant now, but a baby.  A baby that sits up in that swing that hangs from our tree in the backyard.  A baby that smiles the most ridiculous grins at everybody she sees.  A baby that is propped up on her mama's hip, carried so proudly.  A baby that is learning to interact with her sisters.  A baby that is learning how to eat and sprays food on whomever happens to be in her way.  A baby who giggles and blows raspberries, and warms her mama's heart just by being near in the back seat of the car.  A baby who fills the precious clothes in her drawer with LIFE.  ugh.  wrong. so so wrong.  An empty swing and empty arms.  No smiles, spit, or giggles.  Clothes that haven't moved in nearly 6 months.  No nearness.  Instead far far away her little soul went.

I have said this before but I am knowing it to be more and more true.  This pain just doesn't lessen.  A parent who is without their child whom they were meant to share life with ..... these people, WE, are experiencing the Fall in one of the most crushing ways.  So how do we survive?  I believe this is answered in one simple word......HELD.  

That one word and the weight of it has been my life line.   It feels indescribable and I think that's true of things that happen by God's supernatural power.  In the darkest days, I have felt safe.  I have felt comforted and covered.  Protected.  In my most weary days of life as a human on this earth, I have felt strengthened.  Friends, this is not of me or anything any human musters up.  This is upside down.  This is Jesus.  This is my heavenly Father.  This is being HELD. 

I looked up HOLD in the dictionary and some words caught my attention.........

To  have or keep someone (or something) in your arms.  Thank you for having and keeping me, Lord, when I couldn't keep my daughter from going WAY too soon. 

To put arms around,  to carry or support.  Thank you for putting your arms around me and carrying me when my own arms (and hips) ache with weightlessness.   

To grip of grasp.  Thank you Jesus, for having a firm grip on me when my heart longs for the grasp of her little fingers.     

I find it interesting that this is the word that I am experiencing deeply right now.  Not feeling, but experiencing deeply .... in my "knower".   For what else does a mama long for more than to HOLD her children close.  To have them.  Okay.........to have her.  Keep her.  Put my arms around her, carry her, support her, and grip her with my love.   

Thank you Jesus for gripping me with your mighty and powerful love.  For holding ME on this sacred and holy ground on which I am walking.  May I just remain in the pain and remain in you, Jesus, so the healing may come.  This is where it happens ..... in the trenches. Do not let me climb out on my own.  Just carry me out.  Rescue me as you do.  over and over and over .......  

Many of you have heard this song, as I have many many times.  Sometimes songs lose their weight after hearing them over and over.  I hadn't even listened to this song since Kate left us.  It's not on my "Kate playlist".  Maybe I didn't put it on because I knew what may happen.  On Monday I sat and listened to it and  ..... oh. my. heart.  No weight missing.  This song captures so well what I have been trying to say in my words.  Click  here to enjoy Natalie Grant's HELD.

It's. Just. Saturday.

This past Saturday ......  the Saturday that fell between Good Friday and Easter, we received a really sweet gift.  It was a meeting, and I would say it was a divine meeting.

We were at Roe Park for Maci's soccer game, and I saw Dave talking to a man.  This was the third man Dave had talked to since we arrived 5 minutes prior.  (if you know Dave, you know this is very normal ..... for him to know everyone everywhere we go!)  But this third person I didn't know (which actually doesn't surprise me either, as it's very normal for my husband to talk to people he doesn't know too).  :)   By the way, I LOVE this about him.  Anyway, I walked over and Dave introduced me to Joe White.  I had heard his name before, as the founder of Kanakuk Camps, so I realized quickly this was THAT Joe White.  Dave had been talking with him for a few minutes, and had already told him about Kate.  Joe had sunglasses on, so I could not even see his eyes, but the compassion that was pouring out of this man was tangible.  I could just feel it as he asked me the question, "how are you doing darling, with the death of your baby daughter"?  He continued to ask us questions and share stories.   He grabbed my head at one point and just rubbed it saying, "you are a courageous princess, you are".   Yes, you can imagine that I was barely holding it together in the middle of the soccer field where the girls were warming up.  He grabbed Dave and I shortly after, and prayed a beautiful prayer over us.  He walked away, then turned around to remind me of my courage and to say, "I love you".   My. Heart.   

I believe meeting him was a God thing for many reasons, but there was one particular idea he shared that I cannot let go of.  He gave this analogy between the season we are in and Easter weekend.   He shared about his leukemia diagnosis and how during that time in his life ..... it was FRIDAY.  As in, Good Friday.  As in suffering and not understanding; maybe even feeling forsaken.  And after Friday, then came ....... SATURDAY.  And it was just Saturday for a while.  For a long while it was Saturday.    Not Friday anymore, but not yet Sunday. Joe says he has his Sunday now.  You could see it in him.  His Sunday has come. 
BUT. WE. DON'T.  We don't have our Sunday yet.  In many areas of our life we are caught in this in between.  We are not experiencing Friday ..... threatening us to despair, or to crumble in agony and fear, but we are also not able to see Sunday yet.  To see clearly His holy purposes in the suffering that we are enduring.  So we sit.  In Saturday, we wait.  We trust.  We hurt.  We ask.  We seek.  We receive - just enough for today.  On Saturday, we HOPE.  We hope that much is happening even when we can't see it.  We hope in the unseen realities that are coming our way.  The goodness and life......the resurrection.  We don't know the path, or any more twists and turns ahead,  but we believe Sunday is on it's way.   Because the perfectly righteous Jesus suffered an agonizing Friday out of his love for us and was resurrected, we too know our Sunday is coming.  When our life is in His and His in ours, we have this astounding promise to hold on to.   As much as it hurts, I understand in a new way that suffering and dying to myself IS the pathway to life.  I know that sharing in the sufferings of Christ is actually a privilege, not a curse.  I know Him more and love him more every day.  It still stinks to be in the valley of the shadow of death and in the wilderness of Saturday, but I AM NOT ALONE.  My Jesus suffered this and so much more.  He was even forsaken.  I am not.  God will never leave me or forsake me.  He will not fail me on Saturday; instead He will preserve me and continue to establish me in his righteousness.  He shares in these sufferings and weeps with me.   And because of that truth, I also know that I will share in His glory.  Thank you Jesus! 

So for now, we hang on with every ounce in us, to stay here, in Saturday.  And as we do, we also eagerly await and HOPE for our Sunday. And we thank God for the sweet gifts He is giving us in the meantime, like our time with Joe on Saturday.  Not forgotten .... even on Saturday we are not forgotten. 


"The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.  Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged." - Deuteronomy 31:6

"Now if we are children, then we are heirs - heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory." - romans 8:17

"And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you." - 1 Peter 5:10   

Five months - a letter to my girl

My dear Kate,

There is nothing new under the sun.  It's another day and another month with you far far away.  I am just learning to live with the pain, my love, but the pain doesn't really lessen.  Don't think it EVER will.  

Last night I laid in bed reading the story of another mama's loss of her precious daughter.  I cried with her and for her in a way I wish I couldn't.  I wish I didn't know what it is like to only have hours with your child, breathing or not.  I wish I didn't know the horror and shock that takes over when you hear your child isn't alive or won't survive.  I wish I didn't know about aching arms, and panic attacks, and crying so hard you are afraid you won't be able to stop.  I wish I didn't know about the guilt that hovers, or the anger that threatens to steal your HOPE.  I wish I didn't know about the fear of moving on .... knowing it will take a lot of courage to have another baby and a lot of courage to not have another baby.  Either way, it's another battle ahead, and it's scary.  I wish I didn't know about this tension, this sacred dance, of learning to let go/ move on and holding on/ remembering.  BUT.... I DO KNOW.  I know all too well about this new life...... I live amongst the mommies who have lost their beautiful babies to the cruelty of death. I share something with them that I won't share with anyone else, EVER.   

I miss you.  And as much as I hate being a part of this crazy cruel "club", this "community" called baby loss; I am STILL so thankful for you, and every moment we shared baby girl. The moments that I was gifted to experience you in my tummy ..... moving, ALIVE and well.   For the moments we had with your body ....... to feel you, and see you, and soak in all your glorious beauty.  For the celebration service to honor your life with all of those we love.  For the sheer fact that you made me a mommy of three.  

There are a couple of "memories" right now that I cannot stop thinking about.  Two things that I wanted to share with you so badly.  Two hopes that were captured in my mind and heart but were never my reality ......
I just wanted to feel your little fingers curl around mine ONE time. It is the most natural thing for a mommy and her child, yet we were robbed of it.   I also just wanted to see you open your eyes ONE time.  To look into them and to see you though and through.  Not even a word need be spoken, just to stare into your sweet eyes ONE time.  OH, it hurts.  Thank you, Jesus, that when she opened her eyes for the very FIRST time, she saw your face.   She met your eyes, and you saw her through and through.  The sweetness of that moment... ahhhh.   She held onto your finger, Jesus.  There is no greater comfort I could ask for you Kate.  I am so happy to know you are with your perfect Father, and that your daddy and I will have our time with you....... we wait eagerly to be satisfied of our fleshly desires.  And for now we will be satisfied by the same one who comforts you, in all His goodness and faithfulness and love.
Last night I read the most beautiful truth about this journey ......  it goes something like this: "I will not allow God's goodness to be absorbed in my pain.  I will instead allow my pain to be absorbed in God's goodness."

I know He is good.  HE formed you and gave you life.  How wondrous are His works.   Unfortunately, darkness has it's place here in this world too.  We all have been touched by sin and darkness and now personally, by death.  Those things are not of my God, though, or of my Lord and Savior.  He is light and love.  He is life.  Even the darkness is as light to Him.  Even death cannot win.  In fact, He has conquered it, and what a joy it will be to celebrate that this weekend.  The resurrection of Jesus.  DEATH HAS LOST ITS STING.   He is ALIVE.  And you are ALIVE and well my dear Kate.  I praise Him, who is worthy of all my heart and all my love and all my life.  I praise Him sweet girl.  The one who holds you tight.  Easter will just be different this year, it just will. 



I love you to the moon and back,
Mommy