Carry Me

In one week, Jadyn and Maci return to school.  For the first time both of my girls will be gone all day.  I believe there is a normal emptiness this brings to any stay at home mom.   We spend years nurturing and loving and preparing them for these days. Hoping that as we send them off, their hearts and minds are equipped for the hours and days without us.   With it comes a tension of loss and gain.  Loss of time and influence and memories to be made.  Gained freedom and opportunity and peace :).   
But what I feel this year goes beyond the normal tension.  The loss is much more painful and the gain less sweet. 

You see, what I had in mind for next week was so very different.  It was to be a time of celebration in seeing my big girls move forward, and a time to start anew as a mother to a wee one all over again.  It pains me to say that one year ago I was having a hard time getting used to that idea, and now..... Oh, how I would do ANYTHING to be getting used to it.   Oh, how I would do anything for THAT to be my reality.  For Kate Ryan's presence to be filling my days and moving me forward as her mommy.

So, I believe what I am experiencing is less tension and more loss.  The gain and the celebration is still before me,  but it feels almost impossible to SEE through the pain of losing so much.  I admit that I fear the emptiness of the days ahead.  What was supposed to be is not.  My home will not be full of life.  Not full of naps and tears and bottles and diapers.  Not full of tried patience and long days with a little one.  Not full of "firsts".   First steps and first outings.  

I am just so thankful for the hope that God continues to offer me as I hold on to him with all of my might.  He gives me glimpses of the future that offer excitement and wonder ..... oh how he loves me.  Oh how he loves me.  Carry me, Jesus, in the days ahead.   Through what should be a "normal" tension, but is instead an emptiness no mother should know.