My dear Kate,
Yesterday marked 7 months since we met you. SEVEN months. That seems impossible, as I miss you just as much as I did on November 18th. Of course, it feels less distressing and traumatic but my heart yearns the same for your presence and your LIFE.
I do believe that you are enjoying so much life, though, where you are sweet girl. That brings such enormous comfort to my soul .... you are smiling and laughing and dancing and playing. You are being held and adored and loved. You are tasting the sweetness of perfection. God's perfect kingdom. No tears, no sadness, no pain. You are blessed baby girl. You never had to know the pain of brokenness, of tears, of heartache.
I have struggled the last week or so to keep my eyes above the waves when I miss you. I have struggled to stay afloat when I taste the bitterness of all things broken in my life. This morning, I remember the story of Peter stepping out of the boat and, in his amazement, walking on water toward Jesus. When Peter's eyes were on Jesus, he stayed above water. When he took his eyes off of Jesus, and began to focus on the wind and the waves, he began to sink. So. will. I. If I take my eyes off of the one who holds us, I will sink.
So, I fight today. For you, my love, I fight. I will fight to keep my eyes on Christ and trust that his hand will keep me above the waves. Afloat. That same power that kept Peter above water, will keep me. The same power and love that came in a moment and took you into all glory, will come for me. The kingdom you enjoy will be manifested here in the moments I choose to SEE and keep my eyes above the waves. I will take His hand and LIVE.
I love you so much precious girl. I am so thankful that you understand it all. That you grasp how deep and high and wide my love is for you. You get it. You have understanding that I cannot wait to obtain. You SEE .... clearly and completely. You are whole and healed. My heart rejoices for you in those things. Be loved sweet one. Be loved by the ones tending to you now. And know ...... you are always and forever mine. I can't wait to have you in my arms once again.
I love you to the moon and back,
Mommy
There have been a lot of deep sighs again. The physical symptom of my aching heart ..... deep sighs. Trying to catch my breath sighs. "This is not okay, but I am okay" sighs. Releasing frustration when the family in our neighborhood brings home their perfect newborn sighs. Oh, how I love them, and their new baby; it's just a reminder of how unfair life is sometimes.
I have been working on a little memorial garden for Kate and it has been lovely and healing, and also incredibly hard at times. It's been painful this last week. I am trying to capture so much in this little area of landscape of plants and flowers. I am trying to capture my heart for my Kate, and it just feels impossible. I want it to be "perfect", but I fear that nothing I put there is ever going to feel good enough. I have been doing my best to enjoy the process. I was for a while, but this weekend as I was picking out more flowers (whimsical and "girly" flowers), I lost it. I don't want to be shopping for FLOWERS! I want to be shopping for dresses and hair bows and itty bitty swimsuits. I can't right now. So I am taking a little break and space for my mind and heart. I am asking for some help with this and I am going to move forward when I can.
For today, while my girls are gone, I am just going to do my best to sit in the vulnerable place of loss. I am going to care for myself and tend to my heart. I am going to read and rest on this rainy day with the hope that my joy will be returned.
"Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, thought the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyful in God my Savior." - Habakkuk 3:17-18
Someone asked me recently, in regard to Kate, "what does healing look like?" Uncertain how to answer the question I sat quietly for a bit. All I knew in the next few moments was that healing does NOT mean never feeling sad. I will feel sad until the day I return home and get to be with her. I also sensed in my spirit that I AM healing because I think I am learning to live with pain and joy simultaneously. I'm learning to feel brokenness yet let HOPE remain. I'm learning to experience wholeness even though the emptiness is there ..... not allowing the emptiness to swallow me whole. I'm learning to feel sorrow, yet not despair. As I type these words it sounds absurdly obvious. Of course, healing doesn't mean not feeling sad. I LOST MY DAUGHTER TO DEATH. At the hand of the one who wants to destroy everything good on this earth.
I am standing and fighting this one!! The God I love and serve hates this as well and he too is sad. I will stand on His side and we will fight this with life, love, truth, and healing. My healing means being sad AND learning to live with this new reality. That I may still have life and have it to the full.
This has me thinking, though, about some other battles in my life. I have been battling to understand and live into my identity as God's child. I have battled to find freedom from the voices of shame and rejection. I have been in a fight for healing. Really, it's been an all out war. And sometimes I've thrown my hands in the air admitting defeat the moment I struggle again. It was beyond frustrating to have times where I would be "better" only to feel like a backsliding or regression was happening. And then, in the last few weeks I have had a revelation of sorts about my emotional and spiritual healing. What if the healing work God has for me right now, in this space in time, isn't the absence of shame or insecurity? What if? What if I have had the wrong idea of what healing would be? What if I was still even basing my healing on performance? Geez.... it's been an unrelenting performance trap that I have been in my whole life. The hang up for me was thinking this wholeness and healing I desire would just be DONE .... that I would never feel the old familiar voices creeping in. Again, seems absurdly obvious as I type it. But, as I have begun to release this idea a really beautiful thing has happened. When I struggle again with the voices that lie to me, I have a choice. I can choose to BELIEVE that the negativity I am feeling IS NOT ME, just a part of being fully human ...... it's not me "not being good enough", or "healed enough", or "backsliding". I can choose to believe this is just a place of struggle. A struggle that I may have until the day I die. Just as I will have sadness. It does not equal defeat.
Even if the shame creeps in again, I can believe I AM OKAY. My broken song only means that I am in desperate need of Jesus, the Perfect One. Maybe this is his way, for now, of keeping me close to him and helping me understand his grace and freedom. One day, I may never struggle, ever again, with insecurity or shame. I will continue to pray for that, but I do believe my wholeness and healing is available to me now, without the absence of it. I can struggle and not be defeated because of His power in me, the same power that raised Jesus from the dead. I can struggle and not be defeated because he conquered the grave. I can find wholeness, peace, and healing moment by moment, day by day ..... right in the midst of my struggle and pain and weakness because of something called "FIERCE GRACE". (as my friend Faith named it) :)
You know, the apostle Paul, had a thorn in his flesh. It is described in 2 Corinthians as a messenger of Satan sent to torment him. He pleaded with God to have it removed and The Lord said, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." So I am learning to stand in my weakness and let his grace be sufficient for every moment . Struggle, sin, pain, rejection, or weakness cannot knock me down in defeat. I am in this battle with the God of the universe on my side. We face these things TOGETHER. Sometimes I need help from others too and I have those warriors standing around me ready to fight.
And the truth is, great is the price of my healing. Jesus' life.....that is the GREATEST price. Truth is, it IS FINISHED and COMPLETE, my healing. Done on the cross. I just have to learn to STAND in it. Not perform for it. Not be perfectly free from struggle.... whatever that means in my eyes.
So I will STAND, not deterred by the voices and old familiar ways of my past that will creep in. Undeterred, I STAND, in a grace filled, open, free place. This atmosphere is amazing here. I want no other way, no other space ...... only FIERCE GRACE.
