Kate's birth story part three - Meeting our Warrior

 Kate's arrival was both devastating and beautiful.  We waited for months to hear her newborn cry, to feel her baby soft skin, to see who she would resemble in looks, to find out how much hair she had.  There is so much anticipatory joy those last few weeks.  The time had arrived, but it looked and sounded so different than we had expected.  Tears filled the room.....just from all the wrong people.  Shouts emerged from my husband as he finally was faced with reality. He had to accept that his little girl wouldn't feel the uncomfortable, cold reality outside of her mama's womb and scream for comfort.  Instead he would feel the cold reality of her silence and he himself would scream.   It was all so wrong.  I only heard,  and understood in my soul the pain Dave was experiencing in those moments.

After the nurses and Dave cleaned her up, I was finally able to lay eyes on my sweet sweet girl.  There is nothing like laying eyes on your child for the first time.  If you are a parent, you know the sweetness of that moment. And sweet it was.  Bitter sweet.  She was held perfectly in her daddy's arms snuggled up, looking so cozy.  She looked so peaceful as if she were just sleeping.  Oh, how I wish that were the case.  I couldn't hold her until the surgery was over so Dave just kept bringing her face to mine so I could feel her skin, and kiss and touch her.  I had so much to say.  I remember just laying there telling her all sorts of wonderful things.  Sharing my heart and my love for her.  My apologies.  My sadness.  My joy for her.  I knew the time to be with her physical body would be short so I just wanted to tell her so much while she was in our arms.

I had been insistent throughout the day that if I had to have a c-section, I wanted to be coherent and 
not nauseous.  I was incredibly sick for the first 24 hours after my older girl's deliveries.  I knew our hours with Kate Ryan would be short so I didn't want to spend them fighting nausea and drowsiness.  I wanted to be able to soak in every ounce of her goodness.  Our doula, Vanessa,  and the medical team worked together to be sure that would be the case and it was!!  So thankful!!

The three of us got some special alone time back in our room before Jadyn and Maci came up to the hospital.  We had time to hold her and hold each other ... to get to know all of Kate's little parts and cherish our physical time with her.   To play with her feet and check out her ears, to hold her hands and stroke her cheeks.  To admire all her beautiful black hair.... she was perfection.  God had created his perfection over the prior 9 months.  She was beautiful and pure.   Dave gave Kate her first bath.... and last.  All of those little things just sting.  Dressed once.  Diapered once (for fun for the girls), bathed once .... a lot of firsts and lasts in one day.

I have no sense of how time played out that day but sometime shortly after we returned to our room a photographer showed up from Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep.  This in a non profit organization who services families who will only be allowed a short time with their children.  These volunteer photographers are amazingly generous.  The photos we have received are THE tangible memories we have of Kate.  I look at them all the time, just to be close to her once more.   

Dave's sister, Annie, had been with the girls all day.  I thought my heart was going to rip out of my chest when I thought about having to tell the girls about Kate's short life.  Dave was somehow able to bring himself to do that, and brought them to our room to meet their sister.  These are the parenting moments you are never prepared for, but God, in all his mercy and grace, walked us into and through each one over the next few hours.  The girls eventually dressed and held their sister as they warmed up to her.  Their disappointment and sadness was crushing for me to see.  I had to trust in those moments that God would hold their hearts as he was holding mine.  I wanted to take the pain away from them so badly but I am not capable.  He is God and I am not.  This was His to handle.  My three girls surrendered to Him that day.

The rest of our family then joined us in welcoming our daughter.  Grandmas and Grandpas, aunts, uncles, and cousins, all shared in the joy and suffering that day brought.  It broke my heart to see my parents....double the heartache.... losing a grandchild and watching your child endure one of life's greatest hardships all in one swoop.  Our pastors and friends joined us as well and everyone took turns holding, admiring, and loving our girl.  Vanessa had the wonderful idea of singing happy birthday to Kate, and the girls loved that.  It brought some joy and smiles.  That room was filled with the majesty of God.  As we held Kate, we all knew that we were so very close to heaven.  Her broken shell was with us, but her soul was, and is, whole and complete with our Almighty God.  One person said to me, " I felt like I should have removed my shoes when I walked in that hospital room.  For we were on HOLY GROUND."   These were profound moments in time that will never be taken from my heart, mind and spirit.

Nana

Grammy

Papa

Aunt Audra and Uncle Jeff

LOVE

After everyone was allowed some time to hold Kate we decided to dedicate her.  We were thankful to have pastors in the room who would be prepared to do this unexpectedly.  I am so grateful that God put this on Dave and I's hearts.  Shelley joyfully agreed to anoint Kate and lead us in this dedication.   It was a special little window of worship as we dedicated our girl to the one who already had her in His arms.  It was a way for us to acknowledge our surrender of her into his loving arms and care for ALL of time, until we meet her again.  We worshiped our Lord and Savior as THE ONE who knew and ordained all of Kate's short life.  The one who was allowing this story of ours to be written.  It those moments, we agreed that He is good and capable of holding her and all of us left behind in longing.

Shelley dedicating our sweet girl

People slowly left, with Nana and the girls being last.  At one point, Jadyn remembered the Christmas present she had bought Kate with her own money and she just broke down in tears.  It was hitting her how this would change everything we had hoped for.  She could barely say goodbye to Kate.  She kept touching her and talking to her until she walked out of that hospital room.   We had a couple other visitors that evening who we wanted to be with, and knew would want to hold our Kate. Then it was time again for Dave and I to be alone with her and prepare for our goodbye.

We loved on, sang to, prayed for, and cherished our time with our little love bug.  For those of you who came to Kate's service, you heard Dave talk about one of the songs we love.  "How Great is Our God" is a song we sang to our older girls when they were babies and they still go to sleep to it every night.  Our family talked about rocking Kate and singing that over her.  So we did .... that night we sang that song over her and proclaimed the greatness of our God in the middle of what felt like a surreal nightmare.  

The care we received at the hospital was unbelievable.  From the nurses to doctors to social workers and everyone in between - they were prepared for what we were dealing with.  Each one showed amazing love and compassion.   They also thought of everything - a memory box for Kate that held the impressions they did of her feet, the ink footprints that they made for Jadyn and Maci, her locket of hair, a book, hospital bracelets, blankets .... all of these memories we now have to hold and remember Kate Ryan. 

One special gift we received from the hospital was a sweet blanket and hat that was hand knit and HOT PINK.  It was perfect for our girl.  Before she was born, there were two thoughts about her that kept recurring in my mind.   She was going to love hot pink and be a warrior for the Lord.  The stories we are hearing are proving that to be true.  My little warrior is being used by God to bring new freedom, new life and new hope to those here.  

Maci has a friend who has said, "Maci is thumbs up for Jesus!"  Well, we look at this picture below now and laugh ..... Maci says, "Kate is too!!"

thumbs up for Jesus :)

Thankful for the troops

We have had an army in this battle with us. This is no battleground to stand in alone.  I have been overwhelmed by how many have surrounded and cared for us.   We have had many many troops, all doing their part. Warriors all around of every kind.  It has reminded me of the uniqueness of God's creation and how intentional he is in His artistry.  Every single person in our lives has touched us in unique ways that only they can.  It's been really beautiful to experience.  We have been touched by profound love over the last two months.  Our hearts will be forever grateful.

I have felt the need to publicly express thanks to everyone.  We have been unable to return every call, respond to every text or email, write thank you cards to everyone, or give much of anything in return these days; and that feels so strange to Dave and I.  To be on the receiving end is not the most comfortable place for us to be.  There are no words that will ever capture how loved and cared for we have felt.  
Let me just tell you about some of the things that have held us, given us strength, offered practical help ......  each one an amazing gift of grace and we thank you all so so much.  

tears shed . prayers . hugs. laundry done . house cleaned . scriptures . books . beautiful words  (written and spoken) . cards . remembrance jewelry,  tree, ornament, figurines  . gift cards to play and eat . ballet tickets . meals (for months) . truth spoken . a shoulder to cry on . doing "normal" things with me . time just sitting with me in my bed or on the couch. phone calls . emails . texts . cookie cake on Kate's 2 month birthday . pictures . caring for our girls . taking over car pool . dinners in people's homes . financial help . leadership help . stories shared about how Kate has impacted you . laughter . Kate's service (music, hospitality, venue, message, every detail) . flowers .  Kate's service  (your attendance)  . yoga classes . addressing my christmas cards, putting up and taking down Christmas decor with me . physically walking with me into places that seem overwhelming . protection . grocery shopping and running errands . space . grace . counsel . play dates . gingerbread lattes . Christmas lights put on our home . special gifts for Jadyn and Maci . I am afraid I have forgotten some ... :)

Put all of these things together and what you have is monumental GRACE poured out upon you.  From Dave and Shelley holding my hand at Kate's service (to keep me standing) to the prayer warrior in the back row fighting just as valiantly.  From the handwritten letters left on my doorstep to the tears in people's eyes as they handed us special gifts.  From the journal full of scriptures that came in the mail to the rides you've given my kids.  Your presence and your presents have been everything to us.  From the front line to the rear guard and everyone in between ........ You matter.  You have fought with us and for us.  I envision the heavens just opening up because of your prayers and love.  Such a beautiful picture it is ... the veil torn.   Rejoicing.  Halleluiah.  Your Love.  Wow.  This IS the church.  

So thank you ..... for every ounce of love you have given us in this season.  We are incredibly thankful for who God has made each of you to be, and that we get to receive the blessing of knowing you and being loved by you.  

Two months - a letter to my girl

My sweet Kate,

This morning I awake and the pain feels fresh and new again.   Missing you will never cease.  I spent time in our rocking chair yesterday.  You know this is a place I go to be with you .... so I call it ours.  It is a place I can sit and just miss you, and dream of all the ways we would be together now if you were here.  I have visions of  exactly what you would look like today, 2 months later.  I can imagine your size, your chubby cheeks, your first smiles, your changing hair.  I feel your weight change in my arms.  I love you baby girl, I love you so much.

I began to feel the pain rising in a fresh way 2 days ago.  As the pain rises, the darkness threatens to close in, but I am choosing to keep myself open to you, and to Jesus.  This suffering I feel here on the earth is something God has chosen for me to know in this unique way.  I share in the sufferings of Christ with the promise that I will also share in his glory ...... as you are now experiencing in all it's perfection.  A friend reached out to me this morning and said she has thoughts of you, Kate, redeemed and knowing the end of our story and how God will make all things new.  She said that she sees you speaking to Jesus on my behalf ...... cheering me on and fighting for me.  I believe that to be true with every ounce of my being. Thank you precious girl.... thank you for cheering for and fighting for your heartbroken mama.   

I read bible stories to your sisters about heaven and it makes me weep with joy for you.  I only have glimpses of the beauty, love,  and wholeness you are experiencing and it overwhelms me.  I am so happy for you baby .... that you are experiencing God's GLORY.   I can't wait to share in the fullness of that with you.  Oh, I can't wait.

So for today, I am reminded by another sweet friend, to just cry out to our God,  "Lord Jesus, son of God, have mercy on me." To breathe and stay present.  To receive the grace of this moment and be drawn more into Christ as I share in his suffering.  So today I do that and I choose to SEE.  I choose LIFE.  I choose to receive the great gifts of MERCY and GRACE and PEACE as I miss you with all of my heart Kate Ryan.  Our love for one another will forever change me.  You are a beacon of light and hope.

I love you to the moon and back,
Mommy

Kate's Birth Story Part Two - WITHOUT WORDS

Do you know who "those" people are in your life?  Those people who must be next to you in moments like these?  These moments where your world has been flipped upside down in a matter of seconds.....

Well, we have those people, and they received phone calls between 3 and 4am on Sunday morning November 17th.  We would not in a million years walk into the hours that were to come without our parents and siblings.   I also knew I wanted Shelley by my side.  If you know Shelley, you know that you would want her by your side too in a moment like this.  :)   We called another friend and pastor, Tom, and his wife Sue.  Shelley, Tom, and Sue have been amazing mentors and friends to Dave and I.  They love us well .... like, all the time,  just like our family. We also reached out to our dear friends Kevin and Allison,  & Heidi and Ryan.  Kevin is the lead pastor of the church we are planting, and Heidi and Ryan - well, there just isn't anyone who comes close to those two for us.  They have known us the longest (as a couple) and have been through EVERYTHING with us.  We started calling in the troops.  Our army began to take form.

I don't recall much between the hours of 2:00 and 4:00 except I was sure that I wanted some help with the physical pain in order to endure the emotional.   I praise God for our angel, Vanessa, who we had hired a few weeks prior to be our doula.  She walked us through this nightmare every step of the way.  She had arrived at the hospital as the nurses were checking for Kate's heartbeat.  Vanessa has been through this before with other devastated mamas and she was literally our saving grace as we had to make one hard decision after another for the next 12 hours.  She kept us calm.  She gave us strength.  She even knew how to bring joy and celebration in the middle of it all.  The troops started arriving at 4:30 in the morning.  I will never forget seeing each of them walk in our room for the first time and exactly how I felt when our eyes met.  We shared so much sorrow and heartache with our parents and family.  Each of them touched in a unique way by their own loss and also the pain of watching their own child, or sister/brother endure this.  Our friends and pastors ..... their eyes and hearts filled with extravagant love, compassion and sorrow.   People were just dropping to their knees by my bedside in prayer.  Holding us.  Loving us.  Carrying us into the next moment.  Jesus was with each of us every step of the way.   Holding us.  Loving us.  Carrying us into the next moment.  We were all doing this together.  We were never alone.

More friends and family had arrived by early/mid morning to love on and care for us.  There was constant intercession .... by my bed, in the waiting area, in churches, and in homes of those we know and love.  We were all connected by the Spirit that morning.  We had entered together into the house of mourning.  The scriptures say in Ecclesiastes that it is better to enter a house of mourning than a house of feasting.  Doesn't make much sense does it?  Impossible to understand in that moment, but we had walked through the doors of a sacred space that promised blessing.   Unbeknownst to one another,  people's hearts were echoing the exact same lyrics to an old hymn that morning.   As our church community gathered, three people shared that "It Is Well With My Soul" had been in their minds and on their hearts.  That is the Spirit of God.  He was breathing life into us while life itself was threatening every fiber in my being.   I remember telling Shelley over and over, "this is not okay, but we are going to be okay".  It was well with my soul.

Hours passed as we prayed for my body to prepare for this baby to be born.  Dave had been introduced to an album two days before called "Without Words".  How fitting, huh?  How may times have people said to me since November 17th "there just are no words"..... and they are right ... there just aren't.   It is a beautiful compilation of all instrumental worship songs.  It filled the air of our room with peace - a gentle whisper of God's promises and comfort .  My heart's desire was not to have surgery.  We prayed and prayed and prayed.  We prayed for miracles, hope, comfort, peace and strength.  We prayed for surrender.  We prayed for the willingness and courage to walk into the next moment.  In one breath I wanted time to pass quickly because I wanted this to be over, and in the next I wanted time to just STOP.  Time passing meant my daughter was going to be born and I would have to face the reality that she wasn't breathing.  I couldn't wait to hold her and kiss her, but at the same time I dreaded the moment when we would realize that our nightmare wasn't really a nightmare at all - it was part of our waking life from this day forward.  There would be silence as we met our Kate - and like I've said before - that's just not the way it's supposed to be.

Dave was unbelievable all day.  Part of him just couldn't accept the fact that she was gone.  From the very beginning he had the doctors check multiple times for her heartbeat.... he just wouldn't take NO for an answer.  He continued to pray for a miracle all day long.  He was, in his Dave fashion, caring for those who came to care for us.  He was standing by me so strong in love and concern, while dealing with his own broken heart as well.  That's what daddy's do, and he's one amazing daddy and hubby.  

By early afternoon it was pretty obvious that I would be needing to have a c-section.  After making that decision I HAD to rest.  Dr. Arroyo was so loving and patient the entire day.  He allowed me to rest for an hour before surgery and by the grace of God I actually fell asleep for part of the time. While I slept, our friends and family waited, prayed, and never left our side.... whether physically or in spirit.  I just can't imagine not having "those" people.... our troops.    

It's hard for me to even share this story because it is SO full.  I know that much of it will never be captured with words.  It is SO full of life  ..... in the midst of death.  When death touches the untouched places in us it is scary and it hurts..... badly, but we begin to live more fully.  There is a part of us opened up to the mystery of Christ.  This day was proving itself to be sacred and holy and we hadn't even met our little warrior.   And a warrior she is. 

 

Kate's birth story Part One ..... PRAISE

November 16th, 2013  -   "This is it!  We are having a baby tonight!" There was an air of anticipation in our home and in our hearts as we awaited the arrival of our 3rd daughter.  I was 39 weeks and 2 days pregnant, and the time was here to meet our beloved girl. 
Jadyn and Maci began running around the house with excitement in their 6 and 7 year old girly ways.  Dancing, singing,  and yes, squealing with delight.  Jadyn anxiously asked if she could help pack my bag and pick an outfit out for Kate to wear home from the hospital.  Kate's outfit, check.  Kate's hat, check.  Kate's socks, check.   Jadyn was so excited and I wanted to allow her the pleasure of "dressing" her little sister so I didn't even look at what she packed.  I trusted that Kate would be wearing the perfect outfit because her sister chose it.     

There is nothing like those moments preceding the birth of your child.  You are nervous and beyond excited and, let's be honest .... in pain!!  I was hopeful to enter the triage room and be admitted quickly, but that wasn't the reality we were about to enter.  I will NEVER forget those moments; those dreaded moments that we lived through.  It was now 2:30 am on November 17th, and the first nurse we saw had trouble finding her heartbeat.  I thought to myself, that's strange ..... Kate must have moved, or maybe this nurse is new and has no idea what she is doing. :)  There surely wasn't something wrong with our daughter.  The second nurse was having the same trouble.   I began to realize this wasn't a nurse issue or a movement issue, and my calm and excitement quickly moved to worry and confusion.  Worry and confusion quickly moved to  fear, and I asked desperately a few times,  "Is she okay?"  The nurses sent for a doctor who arrived shortly with an ultrasound machine.  Our hearts began to race and our minds became uneasy to say the least.  "Is she okay, is she, is she?", I begged in my questioning.  I was begging for a YES.  I will never forget the next moments - never.  Dr. Nichols shook her head NO in a slow and deliberate way as she looked at the machine and then back at us with sorrowful eyes.  She said EVERYTHING without saying ANYTHING.  Our baby was gone.   That moment held so much ..... shock, sadness, anger, terror, confusion.   I screamed at the top of my lungs, "my baby, no, my baby, no, no, no!!!"   All of that emotion in an instant and then in the next ...... praise?   "You give and take away, you give and take away", I screamed repeatedly.  I am still not sure if I believed and trusted God in that moment, or if these words were just a response to what I hoped would come.... trust in his nearness, love and comfort.   Either way, my spirit needed to acknowledge TRUTH in that moment and I believe in a strange, subconscious sort of way it was an act of worship and praise to the ONE who I knew would be holding us in the hours, days, weeks, and months to come.  This was Job's first response when everything was taken from him and his world came crashing down.  He was human, and experienced the devastating loss that comes this side of heaven.  He did not deny his feelings, but was honest about them.  Despite his loss and feelings, he chose to believe and praise God in the midst of his storm.   He let grief rise and praise remain.   This coexistence -  it is the eye of the storm.  Praise in your sadness, praise in your confusion, praise in your grief ......... it brings hope, and healing, and allows peace to calm the winds that threaten to send us spinning.   His love remains and so I praise Him. 

  
"Because Your lovingkindness is better than life, My lips will praise You. So I will bless You as long as I live; I will lift up my hands in Your name." - Psalm 63:3

"The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised."  - Job 1:21b

NEXT RIGHT THING

Sometimes this life feels so crushing, so cruel, so difficult.  Sometimes it comes from external sources and sometimes it comes from ourselves, our own brokenness.  Sometimes a combination of both.   Sometimes we don't know where to run and therefore try crazy stupid things to escape the pain (of course they seem rational at the time).  And sometimes we hide..... but pain always finds us no matter how long it takes to seek us out.

And at this time in my life ........... I find myself learning a new way.  It is imperfect and I am sure I will blow it again and again, but I feel the necessary pause, the call to be still and know that He is God.  It's as if I am being shown a new way ..... really, the only way, the way that I have longed to know for a very long time.   This way is a slowing, an awareness, a seeing.  It's experiencing the moment and all it brings and choosing the NEXT RIGHT THING on this path.  Over the last few weeks people have said over and over to me how courageous I am.  It sounds absolutely crazy to me because it feels as though I have been pushed into this place and I have no choice but to walk into this new life that I really want no part of.  What is courageous about that?  But I think I am beginning to see what they see, and I think God has something huge for me here.  Courage isn't the absence of fear.  It isn't strength in and of itself.  Courage is the ability to walk into the next moment despite what I feel and do the next right thing.  It is the ability to STOP and hope and trust in the one who can walk me into that next right thing.  The only work set before me is to trust; to lean not on my own understanding, and trust that He will make my path straight.

So,  I find myself in a space where my faith is challenged.  Do I REALLY believe that he will care for me in that next moment?  That He will hold me, love me and walk me in and out of it?  Do I trust Him ..... I mean REALLY trust Him?  Trust Him to carry me through the darkest moments of my life? Trust Him to be enough to cover my mistakes when I don't choose the right thing?  Trust Him that He does have a plan and purpose for everything, that He will not abandon the works of His hands?  Trust that his love is unfailing and it cannot be shaken, or his peace be removed?   BELIEVE that all of this is true when the mountains are shaken and the hills removed, when I hurt, when I hurt others, when life feels like it has pushed me to the ground and it's weight won't allow me to stand?

Well, I stand.  Somehow I stand.  I stand because my hope is found in a savior that is enough for all of this brokenness in my life.  I am learning to walk and believe He IS everything.  My head knew this but my heart begins to know in a new way.  He is the ONLY ONE whose comfort and love will ALWAYS be sufficient.  So I have confidence to walk into the next moment because He is with me.  He is for me.  He will never leave or forsake me.   He calls me His daughter whom He loves and is well pleased.  So this is where the courage comes from.  Not from me.  But because my identity as his child is secure.  SECURITY =  HOLY CONFIDENCE = COURAGE. Courage for the next moment.  This is a life of constant worship.

I hesitate to post this without saying that there are moments and days where standing hasn't been the reality.  There have been days as recent as 3 days ago where lying flat on my back in despair was my reality.  Or where my husband finds me curled up on the floor of the closet in a ball.  Where the next right thing was just to get my kids cared for because I knew I wasn't capable of doing that well.   I am thankful for the friends/ family that can come pick up our kids, and for those that can pick up my spirit and remind me of the things that my heart and soul need to be reminded of.  Thankful for the encouragement and correction that only true love can give.  Thankful for friends that can take us back to the cross over and over again.  I am grateful today for all the special people in my life who have loved us so well in so many ways.

For today I seek His Word and His ways.... for they are a lamp for my feet and a light for my path.... so I may choose the NEXT RIGHT THING.  Even when the path feels frighteningly cold, I will walk.   I will walk in hopes that the the things that die and lie dormant now, will bring new life, new hope, and new belief.