Oh, how I wait and long for this day. Each year holds a different weight and a unique "feel", but I always anticipate November 17th with gratitude. I'm so grateful for the grace and space to remember and honor your precious little life. Though too short, your life mattered. YOU matter. I'm reminded of this every year. People remind me on your birthday just how you impacted them .... how God used you to deepen their faith, grow them in compassion and love, increase hope in hearts. God used little you, Kate, to make people more like Jesus and to draw people to Himself. Such GLORY. Only our God can bring this type of beauty from ashes. Only God can continue to surround us with people who remember with us, that sacred and holy day you came and went. Only God can author such stunning stories of mercy and grace.
Having been a Saturday, we had a "normal" Swob weekend day with volleyball, soccer and Luke tagging along like little brothers do. But tonight, we set aside time to BE with you. We will launch our lighted balloons with messages to you and have some sacred family time. I found one of your sisters in her room, with tears flowing, going through all your things and dressing a teddy in your onesie this evening. I'm so thankful she feels the freedom to cry, to remember and to love you as she needs. This day is so important to her. Jadyn and Maci's lives changed forever the day you were born. Little Luke prays you will come alive again. :) I tell him just how ALIVE you are and share with him that one day we he will meet his big sister, Kate, face to face. I love the thought of you two together. Your life gave way to his life, so in my heart and mind there is so much of you in my Luke. I ponder this often when I'm missing you.
You are FIVE. I feel healing and peace inside of me that haven't been present years prior, yet I also know this is a never ending journey of longing, missing, and loving you. I do these thing today, and will continue to do them as long as I live, with great HOPE. The same hope that helped me survive this day five years ago. The same hope that kept me from drowning. The same hope that keeps me going day after day without one of my very own. You are mine, forever mine, Kate Ryan. I'm proud to be your mommy, and thankful that today I am 5 years closer to holding you again. Holding you was so right and so wrong. Everything I wanted and everything I didn't. It seems impossible to explain this but I know you understand in fullness and completion. You understand the complexities of my heart and, more importantly, you KNOW the love I have for you. Love that would endure it all again to see you once more. Happy birthday sweet girl. You are perfection in my eyes and in the eyes of Jesus.
I love you to the moon and back,
Mommy
