HOME

HOME....

There is something extra sweet about home this morning.  Getting back into town after a vacation is usually enjoyable. Even after the most wonderful time away, home just calls us back to itself.  It offers us the familiar.  Back to routine and to life as we know it brings comfort and security.  Our trip to Florida last week was AMAZING, and so has been the returning home over the last 24 hours.   In seasons of grief and mourning and change and loss, HOME has an added sweetness to it. It is where true rest resides.  I appreciate, this morning, what my home has been to me over the last few months.  A refuge and a resting place.  A comfort to my weary soul.  A firm foundation in the midst of change.  A house of mourning and a house of healing. 

With all the goodness of home, we still need a break from it at times.  A break from the routine, the normal.  I tend to break open a bit when I get out of town.  I play a little harder, sleep a little better, relax a little more.   I'm often more patient and loving and gracious (so my family says)!!   We all hope that vacation will rejuvenate and refresh us.  It usually does, and it did this last week for our family. 

We caught waves and ran on the beach.
We learned to snorkle and we splashed in the pool.  
We slept and read.  
And read and ate.  
And ate and walked.  
And walked and explored.  
Explored and talked.  
Talked and cried.  
Cried and laughed.  
Laughed and remembered.  
Remembered and honored.  
Honored and shared.  
Shared and grew. 
Grew and loved.  
We loved each other.  We loved our time .... time as a family and with "grammy" and "papa".  We loved our Kate.  We loved the beauty of His creation under our feet and before our eyes. All of these things I speak of are just amazing gifts we were blessed to receive.  

We missed our girl though, so much, and it made it really hard at times.   I experienced moments of deep sadness and even anger that she was not there with us .... angry that I have to continue to be reminded that things are not as they should be.  Not as we hoped.  Maddened that we were preparing to spread some of her ashes on the beach instead of watching her feel the waves touch her little toes for the first time.  We would not watch her experience the wonder of the water and it's shore;  but we would instead ourselves wonder again, "WHY....?"

But I must choose to see ..... to see these hard things as gifts too.  Even the hurt, because it heals, and the anger because it releases.  Somehow in the midst I become thankful.  And as I do, I find myself returning.   Returning to the one who shows me the unseen realities of His Kingdom.  He shows me His comfort and His firm foundation.  He shows me how He is the ULTIMATE resting place and the perfect refuge.  He shows me how mourning in His presence can and will heal.   So I return to him .... so I return HOME.  

My physical home and the people in my life bring much joy, but nothing can compare to the HOME my soul continues long for ........ The HOME I find in His presence here on earth, and the heavenly HOME where my Kate resides.  Where she is enjoying SO much more that the ocean, so much more ............. 

Love

Thoughts on love.....

Love SEES the beauty in another and reveals it to them.  It WAITS patiently for the other to see it for themselves.  It STANDS beside.  It BELIEVES in.  Love SACRIFICES.  It HURTS with and REJOICES with.  It FORGIVES. It CARES instead of cures.  Love HOLDS and love FREES.  It TRANSFORMS.  Love makes all things new........

Thankful today for the love I have received, the love that I am blessed to return, and for the ONE who loves perfectly, always. 

Four months - a letter to my girl

My precious Kate,

Wow.  Today is filled with much emotion.  Almost one year ago (on March 18th), we found out that you would be blessing us with your presence.  It was a hard Monday morning for mommy.  I had been feeling a lot of emotional and spiritual defeat over the prior weekend, and had just finished a phone conversation that was encouraging and hard all at once.  The afternoon brought new hope as I discovered, and got to share with your daddy, that YOU, Kate Ryan, were on the way.   It was a brutal and beautiful day (BRUTIFUL as I have heard it called); and the following day we would be heading to Florida for our spring break trip.  This was a bit of an unexpected new adventure we would be on to becoming a family of five.

Today is a bit BRUTIFUL itself as we prepare for our annual Cocoa Beach trip.  Tomorrow we will be leaving, and our home is filled with anticipation and excitement.  Your sisters can't wait to see grammy and Papa, and be on the beach, and eat at Simply Delicious, and kayak with the dolphins, and, and, and  ....  We have lots of favorites to look forward to during this 4th visit.  But there is just so much void in the anticipation, the excitement a little dull.  I knew this week would be another BIG STEP as I move forward in life without you here.  One year ago tomorrow we told Grammy she would be having another grandbaby.  Jadyn and Maci made up a precious song and dance to make our announcement, while the waves were crashing beside us.  We celebrated, one year ago, the new life you would be bringing to our family.  And today and tomorrow and in the week ahead, we will be at Cocoa Beach celebrating you - just not as we imagined.  Not celebrating your smiles, or your "chub chubs" in your swimsuit, or napping with you as we take a break from the sun.  Not introducing you to grammy and Papa's friends, or taking you to our favorite restaurants, or strolling with you around the town. Not taking you on your first flight. (yes, it may be more peaceful, but peace and comfort are definitely overrated)!!   This re-imagining isn't getting a whole lot easier.  You will be going with us, just not in the physical way we hoped for.  Daddy and I were shopping today ......  I laid my eyes on this perfect little treasure box that will hold you.   We want you to come with us sweet girl, so you will. 

I love you my littlest love bug.  Daddy was telling me this morning all the things he appreciates and loves about me (yes, he is pretty awesome)!!  When he said, "how you loved and LOVE Kate", we lost it.  It feels so hard to love you this far away.  I can't give to you the way I want to.  I can't care for you and  it just breaks my mommy's heart.....that's just what I am supposed to do. But you must know you are so very  loved and so very close to my heart every moment of every day.  I am always thinking of how everything would be different with you here - in the BEST of ways.  Life would not be easier (in the practical ways), but it would be RIGHT, and so much fuller with your presence near and with us.  The weight of your life is missed so greatly.  Our hearts still long and they will until we see you again beautiful one.  I can't wait.  Four months feels like a moment and like a lifetime all at once.   I think that is what it will continue to feel like until it's time for me to come home.  Because this is God's time, it just works that way.  He will hold us until that time comes, and in His arms, nothing will fall.   Our love for you will remain.  Our hope will be secure.  Our faith will stand.   You are ALWAYS with us.  I love you ALWAYS and FOREVER. 

I love you to the moon and back,
Mommy

whoa

The Lord is paving a new path in my life right now.  He is in the business of doing this on our journey.   Right now, it's a pathway to know freedom and to know peace.  To know a spacious place where not only I have longed to dwell, but also where He longs for me to dwell.  That's how much He loves me....he wants the best for me and won't settle for less.  spacious. free. filled with peace. 
whoa ..... I feel really loved.

This paving feels much like a clearing.  A clearing and a purging of some old ways.  The old ways don't necessarily hinder me from living a good enough life.  But is good enough the life I want?  The life I am called to live as a Christ follower?  I don't think so.  A good enough life falls flat from the life I hear God promising us in Christ.  He wants for me a full life.  A free life.  Well ...... that takes a  surrendered life.  A life willing to actually listen to the Lord and go where He leads (however uncomfortable or "wrong" it may seem at the time).   No matter what people think.  My thoughts, ways, and desires are not bad but they are not always the best for me.  When I follow Jesus I always get the BEST. Not the easiest, but the BEST.   He goes before and lies the path of righteousness ahead of me.   His path doesn't always look like THE WAY to me .... it actually looks scary and uncomfortable most of the time. .  I don't know about you, but in my limited human understanding I haven't chosen those paths on my own.  I need His sovereign hand to guide me .... to walk me down the unknown, dimly lit paths.  His hand extends to say, "will you follow me?".  
"Please ........ come with me .......... I AM  the way."  

Movement of the Spirit causes clearing.  I have experienced three major movements in the last couple of months.  Some head to heart experiences that will leave me choosing new ways moving forward.  In what seems like impossible heartache and circumstances this is how good our God is ......

from unbelief to belief.  
My Kate Ryan had no heartbeat when we arrived at the hospital on November 17th, 2013.  I had been wrestling deeply with God, myself, and some circumstances in the months leading up to her birthday.  I was realizing how much unbelief, fear and doubt remained in my heart.  I could see God moving.  People could see God moving in me.  But I just couldn't seem to wholeheartedly believe this to be true, and to respond in faith.  I had been very stuck in some areas of my life.  When the nurse told us Kate had no heartbeat and the first thing out of my mouth was "He gives and takes away", I realized I had belief in me.  Deep calls out to deep.  I believed my God, and I acted in faith by the praise on my lips.  It shocked me.  You see, even our faith is a GIFT from Him.  He gave me that gift in the exact moment I needed it.  I would need this faith desperately in the coming days to be able to move and breath and exist.  I BELIEVED Him.

 from fear of man to fear of God.  
Through a couple of encounters with people I love deeply, God has allowed me to know what it means not to fear people.  I have lived with this tendency to put certain people on a throne of sorts.  Their position on the throne leaves me feeling unworthy and needy of their love and acceptance. It leaves me living in fear of their rejection. It ALWAYS leads to shame.
This one is just a miracle.  Literally, I thought I was going to live with this the rest of my life.... it would just be my thorn.   I am sure it will creep in and rear it's ugly head, but I know in my "knower" (as one of my favorite pastors calls it) that my acceptance is made complete in Christ ALONE.    God alone sees me fully, and names me, and calls me - I will choose to put Him on the throne and to FEAR HIM, who is so worthy of my love, honor, respect, AWE.

 from guilty to forgiven.
Not a mental knowing. But a knowing .... in my innermost being (yes, in my "knower").    This week, tears of guilt and shame were streaming down my face as I was thinking about some mistakes I have made recently,  and suddenly by the grace of God (through HIS word and my husbands voice) the tears didn't have the same sting to them.  In moments, they went from tears of shame and guilt to cleansing tears of a broken and contrite heart before a savior who has taken all my guilt upon himself.  He bore it ALL.  I was awakened to His grace, love and FORGIVENESS in a new and fresh way.  

BELIEF.....GOD FEARING......FORGIVEN.  These are works of the Spirit not of Kristi.  And where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom right?   Why do we fight so hard sometimes?  For way too long.   Is it time for the boxing gloves to come off and let the work be done?  What of our humanness needs to be surrendered in order for the holy to reside?  Not just reside, but move in and through us to transform our own hearts and also those around us.  You see, I find myself with no fight left......my humanness is so very evident to me right now.  My brokenness blaring. My weakness unable to hide.  It is here that I am finding life.  So upside down.  So Jesus.  whoa. 

SISTERS

 Daddy and Maci soaking in Kate

I see in the eyes of my girls how much they miss their sister and all they had hoped for.  It is interesting to watch them both navigate this.  And if I am honest, quite often, I am not sure how they are navigating it or how to help them.  Maci is much more vocal and talks about Kate openly so it is easier with her.  Jadyn holds everything so tight to her chest.  She chooses to draw or write about Kate, which I am thankful for.  I usually find papers in her backpack or tucked away in a drawer in her room that talk about Kate.  I have to surrender the girls over and over and over.  I am trusting God to care for their hearts as he tends to ours.  Most days, I have to pray desperately for the capacity to parent them well in this season.  I pray to hear the voice of their hearts, behind their words, to be sure they are doing okay.  I am learning about the resilience of my children in this season too.  They are really amazing..... I am in awe. 

holding Jadyn close

We spent some time talking about Kate last night before bed.  Just sharing what we would want to say to her, and taking our hearts to God.  The sensitivity that they have right now is just precious.  Though I hate that their hearts ache, there is a tenderness to them that I just cherish.  Maci shared, "Oh Kate, I love you so much even though you aren't on this earth with us.  I still love you.... I do!!  And I just wish I was holding you in my arms right now."   Dave shared later that he was thinking the same thing as she was talking.  He wanted to tell Kate how he longed to see her in Maci's arms.  Our little Maci has a sensitivity to spiritual things that touches me deeply.  (that comes with it's own challenges too of course)  :)   But she has a connection to and love for Kate that brings me longing and joy all at once.  And my Jadyn ..... I have such a strong connection with her right now as she feels fully the heart of her mama.  I just sense her trying to be sure I am okay and caring for me.  Though I do not want her to take on this responsibility, I LOVE and cherish her sensitivity toward Dave and I.  We do our best not to allow her take on our pain, but it is just part of how God has wired her as a first born and as a nurturer.  I am seeing the beauty of how God has created them so vividly right now.   Another gift in the midst. 

 Jadyn's hand in mine

 *photos by Aimee Geiss*

 

Kate's Stones

Remembering .....
A few years ago, we were having dinner with our dear friends, Heidi and Ryan.   I noticed a jar of stones on her kitchen counter.  I inquired about them, about the writing on them,  and she began to share with me what these stones were and what they meant to her.  She shared with me the biblical story in Joshua 3 and 4 about Joshua leading Israel across the Jordan River into the promised land.  About how the Lord told Joshua, after they successfully crossed, to build a memorial with 12 stones drawn from the river by 12 men (one from each tribe).   It served as a way to remember how God had led them across in what seemed like impossible circumstances.  God asked them to build this memorial so future generations would ask, "what do these stones mean?", and they would be able to share how the Lord had been with them, guided them, and saved them.  After dinner, Heidi took out her stones and was able to share, through the writing on them, the AMAZING testimony of her own life.  It was a way to REMEMBER and share what God had done in her family's life. 

I was moved by this and decided to begin a jar of my own.  I have a large vase in our bedroom.  It holds the stones that convey God's faithfulness to me in my years of following him.  On some, specific dates are written.  On others, just a word that defines a specific season in my life.  All of them are moments or seasons in time that I specifically see God's hand and movement in my life.  They serve as a reminder, and also a way to share about God's sovereignty and goodness. 

So..... I decided to start a small vase of KATE'S STONES.  A way to remember her.  A way to remember how God has been faithful in the midst of our missing her.  A way to remember the way He has used her life and our heartache to show his power and his redeeming ways.  My hope is that one day we will be able to look back at these and SEE with our own eyes and to FEEL in our hearts the way she has impacted us and those around us in POWERFUL ways.  Again, a reminder that her life mattered. 

I have heard many stories and seen for myself the ways God is using her short little life.  I have experienced my own transformation in trusting God and His promises in new ways.  Her stones are beginning to pile up.  

I would love to ask you ...... do you have a story or seen a way that Kate is being used to further the kingdom of God?   It can be so small or very big.  It can be a small shift in a heart or a new way of living.  It can be a relationship restored or a purging of old ways of existing.  It can be new hope, new freedom, new perspective.  Whatever it may be, will you share it with us?  Will you allow it to be a way that God can be exalted for years to come? 

We have a memory box full of Kate's special things .... we open up it up to REMEMBER her.  On it will sit a vase filled with her stones.  Will you help us to remember and honor our girl and our God?

Kate's memory box

You can leave a comment or send us an email........ we can't wait to hear from you so we may remember together through Kate's Stones.