My dearest Kate,
Yesterday was your 6 month birthday. It was a beautiful day here, as you know. We were so blessed to spend time with some our dearest of friends celebrating their son Alex's graduation. The Lynch's love you like we love you sweet girl. They are our family, not born of of blood, but of the spirit of God. They stand with us always ..... suffering, rejoicing, forgiving, patient...... they believe for us when we can't. They encourage and remind ...... remind us of where our HOPE comes from, the Maker of heaven and earth. Your maker. My maker. I stood at their house yesterday sharing stories with two other women who lost babies in similar ways to the way we lost you. I am sure you are running and playing with Brayden and Ellie. Their mommy hearts hurt like mine, even after 18 years for one of them. Tears rolled down her face as we talked about you both. A mother's love runs deep. Often too deep for words; only tears can communicate this love.
I am thankful, my love, for every tear shed for you. I would cry a million more tomorrow just to be close to you. It is a way to remember you and to hold you close to my heart. .... the depths of us reaching one another.
I have peace today; and for that I am thankful to our Lord who gives these sweet gifts. His peace passes all understanding. My mind cannot make sense of the suffering we are enduring. I will make myself crazy trying to figure out why and how and what's next in all of our broken circumstances here. So I trust. Over and over and over, I must choose to trust; and remember His faithfulness and how he has gone before us so many times in the last few months. He continues to anchor my soul when I so desperately just want you to be here and all things to be "right".
Missing you Kate. Today and for every day, missing you.
Love,
Mommy
Sunday, May 18, 2014
Tuesday, May 13, 2014
Mother's Day
Thanksgiving 11 days after Kate's "day" (yes, "day", because sometimes I still don't know what to call it honestly. birthday? day she came to be with us? day she left us? still-birthday? Her time with us being contained in less than 24 hours makes it a little confusing to name)
Anyway, Thanksgiving ........ overwhelming.
Christmas 5 weeks later ........... surprisingly okay (probably due to the gift of denial).
New years eve ....... SUCKED. I had no desire to welcome 2014 if this was our new year and our new reality.
Easter ......... hard and humbling
Mothers Day ........... agonizingly painful, yet gloriously redeemed
I have two living daughters so I did not expect Mother's Day to be a soul crushing blow. Hard, yes, but agonizingly painful, NO. The tides came rushing in again on Saturday. I sent out a couple SOS's that day letting some of my people know that I was afraid I was being sent out to sea and wasn't sure my head would stay above water. The grief pounded me so unexpectedly and I just got swallowed up. The thought of having Mother's Day without one of my children here was almost too much to bear. The thoughts and memories of Kate Ryan just flooded in. I lost my almost 6 month old daughter on Saturday. It felt that real and new. The hurt was fresh and, as much as I didn't want it to be, I also wanted it to be .... because I felt near to her again. The deep pain of the loss reminds me of the depth of my mother's love for her. My heart breaking is the only way to feel the intensity of our relationship and love for one another. I don't enjoy the sweet kisses and hugs. I don't get to gaze upon her sleeping. I am not afforded the joy of giggling with Kate or wiping her tears, so this is actually a gift to me.... to feel this deeply again, even though it is hard as hell. It comes from the innermost place in me. It's not really an emotional place. It's gut wrenching and it just makes me ache, this LOVE.
So, I made it through Saturday. I asked my mother in law to host Sunday, and without hesitation she and my mom relieved me from that which felt like a bit too much cooking and cleaning. :) I was swept away with a friend for a couple of hours with a cherry limeade in hand. We sat on a blanket outside the Kauffman Gardens and enjoyed the fresh breeze and warm air. Her heart grieving with mine, and her just letting me BE (as she reminded me how we ALL wanted this to be different) was comforting. This friend's presence just heals and I am beyond grateful that I am graced by it in my life. She knows the mysterious ways of the spiritual life and knows that it's not her. So being with her, you are often brought right into the love of the Father. I calmed a bit, and was able to come home to my family and be with them for a while and then get into bed VERY early. :) My time with Shelley, some tears with my own mommy, some special texts ........ they gave me hope that I could come face to face with my 1st Mother's Day without Kate and survive.
I was opening my gifts on Sunday morning with frozen veggies on my face to reduce the swelling from the day before. The girls were laughing because it was actually a bag of tater tots! After a little laughter and some endearing gifts from my precious girls the haze began to lift. Dave and I cried together a little that morning and headed to church. It was beautiful and I was surrounded by some of those who I love the most and ALWAYS take great care of me when I am hurting. I was absolutely never far from the minds and hearts of those most special to me. I received so many messages of love and encouragement that day. It thrills me to be reminded that others have not forgotten her and they miss her too. God allowed some people to bear a pretty heavy burden that day (especially Kate's grandparents), and I believe the weight of my burden was being shared. How beautiful of them to welcome the ache in order that we may all love her together as we miss her.
It was a beautiful day with our family..... parents, siblings, neices and nephews too. And I was given one more most precious gift on Sunday (besides having the day with Jadyn and Maci).
This painting ........
I will share more about it another time, but my friend Lindsey dropped this off for us, painted by her friend Christy. This was just the love and assurance I needed from Jesus on Sunday. It allowed me to rest fully. I took a deep breath and I rejoiced. I saw my 6 month old Kate. She is free. She is in the arms of the one who loves her perfectly.
If you can't be with your mommy on Mother's Day, Kate Ryan, you run as fast as you can into the arms of Jesus. You dance, run, swing, and play in the warm sunshine, and you giggle your little heart out precious girl. I LOVE you. I love you. I love you.... with all of my heart, I love YOU.
Anyway, Thanksgiving ........ overwhelming.
Christmas 5 weeks later ........... surprisingly okay (probably due to the gift of denial).
New years eve ....... SUCKED. I had no desire to welcome 2014 if this was our new year and our new reality.
Easter ......... hard and humbling
Mothers Day ........... agonizingly painful, yet gloriously redeemed
I have two living daughters so I did not expect Mother's Day to be a soul crushing blow. Hard, yes, but agonizingly painful, NO. The tides came rushing in again on Saturday. I sent out a couple SOS's that day letting some of my people know that I was afraid I was being sent out to sea and wasn't sure my head would stay above water. The grief pounded me so unexpectedly and I just got swallowed up. The thought of having Mother's Day without one of my children here was almost too much to bear. The thoughts and memories of Kate Ryan just flooded in. I lost my almost 6 month old daughter on Saturday. It felt that real and new. The hurt was fresh and, as much as I didn't want it to be, I also wanted it to be .... because I felt near to her again. The deep pain of the loss reminds me of the depth of my mother's love for her. My heart breaking is the only way to feel the intensity of our relationship and love for one another. I don't enjoy the sweet kisses and hugs. I don't get to gaze upon her sleeping. I am not afforded the joy of giggling with Kate or wiping her tears, so this is actually a gift to me.... to feel this deeply again, even though it is hard as hell. It comes from the innermost place in me. It's not really an emotional place. It's gut wrenching and it just makes me ache, this LOVE.
So, I made it through Saturday. I asked my mother in law to host Sunday, and without hesitation she and my mom relieved me from that which felt like a bit too much cooking and cleaning. :) I was swept away with a friend for a couple of hours with a cherry limeade in hand. We sat on a blanket outside the Kauffman Gardens and enjoyed the fresh breeze and warm air. Her heart grieving with mine, and her just letting me BE (as she reminded me how we ALL wanted this to be different) was comforting. This friend's presence just heals and I am beyond grateful that I am graced by it in my life. She knows the mysterious ways of the spiritual life and knows that it's not her. So being with her, you are often brought right into the love of the Father. I calmed a bit, and was able to come home to my family and be with them for a while and then get into bed VERY early. :) My time with Shelley, some tears with my own mommy, some special texts ........ they gave me hope that I could come face to face with my 1st Mother's Day without Kate and survive.
I was opening my gifts on Sunday morning with frozen veggies on my face to reduce the swelling from the day before. The girls were laughing because it was actually a bag of tater tots! After a little laughter and some endearing gifts from my precious girls the haze began to lift. Dave and I cried together a little that morning and headed to church. It was beautiful and I was surrounded by some of those who I love the most and ALWAYS take great care of me when I am hurting. I was absolutely never far from the minds and hearts of those most special to me. I received so many messages of love and encouragement that day. It thrills me to be reminded that others have not forgotten her and they miss her too. God allowed some people to bear a pretty heavy burden that day (especially Kate's grandparents), and I believe the weight of my burden was being shared. How beautiful of them to welcome the ache in order that we may all love her together as we miss her.
It was a beautiful day with our family..... parents, siblings, neices and nephews too. And I was given one more most precious gift on Sunday (besides having the day with Jadyn and Maci).
This painting ........
I will share more about it another time, but my friend Lindsey dropped this off for us, painted by her friend Christy. This was just the love and assurance I needed from Jesus on Sunday. It allowed me to rest fully. I took a deep breath and I rejoiced. I saw my 6 month old Kate. She is free. She is in the arms of the one who loves her perfectly.
If you can't be with your mommy on Mother's Day, Kate Ryan, you run as fast as you can into the arms of Jesus. You dance, run, swing, and play in the warm sunshine, and you giggle your little heart out precious girl. I LOVE you. I love you. I love you.... with all of my heart, I love YOU.
Wednesday, May 7, 2014
HELD
The last six months have undoubtedly been THE hardest in my life. If anyone would have told me one year ago that I was about to face this fire I am walking through, I would have said "no way in hell could I withstand that heat and survive". At least not survive and maintain sanity! :)
The only way to describe this space in time adequately is to say, "things just aren't the way they are supposed to be. They are just WRONG". There are constant reminders of the wrongness and they seem to be blaring again. I don't really know what it is.....what it is that is causing the waves to once again rise so high and aggressively, except that ..... things just aren't right. Kate would not really be an infant now, but a baby. A baby that sits up in that swing that hangs from our tree in the backyard. A baby that smiles the most ridiculous grins at everybody she sees. A baby that is propped up on her mama's hip, carried so proudly. A baby that is learning to interact with her sisters. A baby that is learning how to eat and sprays food on whomever happens to be in her way. A baby who giggles and blows raspberries, and warms her mama's heart just by being near in the back seat of the car. A baby who fills the precious clothes in her drawer with LIFE. ugh. wrong. so so wrong. An empty swing and empty arms. No smiles, spit, or giggles. Clothes that haven't moved in nearly 6 months. No nearness. Instead far far away her little soul went.
I have said this before but I am knowing it to be more and more true. This pain just doesn't lessen. A parent who is without their child whom they were meant to share life with ..... these people, WE, are experiencing the Fall in one of the most crushing ways. So how do we survive? I believe this is answered in one simple word......HELD.
That one word and the weight of it has been my life line. It feels indescribable and I think that's true of things that happen by God's supernatural power. In the darkest days, I have felt safe. I have felt comforted and covered. Protected. In my most weary days of life as a human on this earth, I have felt strengthened. Friends, this is not of me or anything any human musters up. This is upside down. This is Jesus. This is my heavenly Father. This is being HELD.
I find it interesting that this is the word that I am experiencing deeply right now. Not feeling, but experiencing deeply .... in my "knower". For what else does a mama long for more than to HOLD her children close. To have them. Okay.........to have her. Keep her. Put my arms around her, carry her, support her, and grip her with my love.
Thank you Jesus for gripping me with your mighty and powerful love. For holding ME on this sacred and holy ground on which I am walking. May I just remain in the pain and remain in you, Jesus, so the healing may come. This is where it happens ..... in the trenches. Do not let me climb out on my own. Just carry me out. Rescue me as you do. over and over and over .......
The only way to describe this space in time adequately is to say, "things just aren't the way they are supposed to be. They are just WRONG". There are constant reminders of the wrongness and they seem to be blaring again. I don't really know what it is.....what it is that is causing the waves to once again rise so high and aggressively, except that ..... things just aren't right. Kate would not really be an infant now, but a baby. A baby that sits up in that swing that hangs from our tree in the backyard. A baby that smiles the most ridiculous grins at everybody she sees. A baby that is propped up on her mama's hip, carried so proudly. A baby that is learning to interact with her sisters. A baby that is learning how to eat and sprays food on whomever happens to be in her way. A baby who giggles and blows raspberries, and warms her mama's heart just by being near in the back seat of the car. A baby who fills the precious clothes in her drawer with LIFE. ugh. wrong. so so wrong. An empty swing and empty arms. No smiles, spit, or giggles. Clothes that haven't moved in nearly 6 months. No nearness. Instead far far away her little soul went.That one word and the weight of it has been my life line. It feels indescribable and I think that's true of things that happen by God's supernatural power. In the darkest days, I have felt safe. I have felt comforted and covered. Protected. In my most weary days of life as a human on this earth, I have felt strengthened. Friends, this is not of me or anything any human musters up. This is upside down. This is Jesus. This is my heavenly Father. This is being HELD.
I looked up HOLD in the dictionary and some words caught my attention.........
To have or keep someone (or something) in your arms. Thank you for having and keeping me, Lord, when I couldn't keep my daughter from going WAY too soon.
To put arms around, to carry or support. Thank you for putting your arms around me and carrying me when my own arms (and hips) ache with weightlessness.
To grip of grasp. Thank you Jesus, for having a firm grip on me when my heart longs for the grasp of her little fingers.
To have or keep someone (or something) in your arms. Thank you for having and keeping me, Lord, when I couldn't keep my daughter from going WAY too soon.
To put arms around, to carry or support. Thank you for putting your arms around me and carrying me when my own arms (and hips) ache with weightlessness.
To grip of grasp. Thank you Jesus, for having a firm grip on me when my heart longs for the grasp of her little fingers.
I find it interesting that this is the word that I am experiencing deeply right now. Not feeling, but experiencing deeply .... in my "knower". For what else does a mama long for more than to HOLD her children close. To have them. Okay.........to have her. Keep her. Put my arms around her, carry her, support her, and grip her with my love.
Thank you Jesus for gripping me with your mighty and powerful love. For holding ME on this sacred and holy ground on which I am walking. May I just remain in the pain and remain in you, Jesus, so the healing may come. This is where it happens ..... in the trenches. Do not let me climb out on my own. Just carry me out. Rescue me as you do. over and over and over .......
Many of you have heard this song, as I have many many times. Sometimes songs lose their weight after hearing them over and over. I hadn't even listened to this song since Kate left us. It's not on my "Kate playlist". Maybe I didn't put it on because I knew what may happen. On Monday I sat and listened to it and ..... oh. my. heart. No weight missing. This song captures so well what I have been trying to say in my words. Click here to enjoy Natalie Grant's HELD.
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