Life in Death

Yesterday was an incredibly heavy day.  The burdens of "normal" life on top of the burden of our grief can seem crushing at times.  As we sat at the kitchen table yesterday to share a meal I literally felt like it took effort to breathe; and at the same time I realized the sound of my husband's breaths.  Long. Labored. Loud.

I knew the Gathering Network was having an all worship service at 5:00 and I just sensed this would be a good thing for us to do as a family.  I didn't feel like it, but we went.  We needed more of God's presence and I knew this act of worhsip would bring us before him in a way we needed.   If you don't know about the Gathering Network you can see more about who they are here.  What I CAN tell you about them is that they are a people who are trying to set wrong things right in our world, and they LOVE JESUS with their whole hearts.  It is obvious when you are with them.  When you speak with them, worhsip with them, pray with them, play with them ...... the Spirit of God leaks out of them. 

Like a Father does, He poured out his love on Dave and I in tender and merciful ways as we came to him last night.  As we stood and sang (reluctantly at times) of his promises we felt released ....  released from the heaviness that we wore as we walked into that building.  Our circumstances did not change, and still haven't, but smiles and joy emerged over those 2 hours.  We watched our girls dance and sing and get loved on by some amazing young ladies, Claire and Kim.  A pastor and friend pulled up a chair to sit next to Dave.  He was intentional about just being near us.  In a time of prayer, people, some of whom we've never met,  came over and prayed for us.   This community is extended family to us and the love we felt and received from them was beautiful.  It's just another way God is using an army to care for us in this season.  More on that in my next post....... our army, and all its troops ....... oh, don't even get me started :).  I can't wait to share.

Jon Shirley, who led the evening, just released an album called THE DESERT BLOOMS.  It has been water to my thirsty soul over the last 2 weeks.   He has a song titled "Life in Death" that has meant so much to me.  I hope you will listen here.   I hope that it brings life to you.

These are some of the lyrics from this song that I have been shouting out and clinging to.  Thank you Jon Shirley......

Though suffering may come
I will lift up my hands          

And shout from my lungs                   

That You’re all that I have

And I’ll lift my hands and worship you

You’ve been my life in death

And I’ll stand and sing of your faithfulness

You’ve been my life in death  

And Lord though the mountains fall
And the world fades away 

You will still remain
To be my life in death

I exalt you now
Because you're God
And I'm not

 

Because your God and I'm not ......  

Making. Us. New.

As I started this blog last week, I sat staring at a blank screen for a few minutes trying to come up with an address.  I typed in a few "titles" to find them taken.  I just wanted to move past this step and come back to it later.   Beginning to get frustrated, I took a deep breath, and my fingers typed the words.... making. us. new. 

He IS making me new  ......  this is something I have known, something that I have felt happening in me for some time .... really since I decided to give my life to follow Christ and his ways.  This is what the Holy Spirit is in the business of doing - transforming.   The problem with me is,  I really like to be in control.  I have really enjoyed trying to change myself in my own efforts. Striving - ugh.  Learning to take the back seat has been hard for me.  Learning that God doesn't need my help, just my willingness ...... hard for me.   Learning to submit to the process and lay all at his feet ...... hard for me.

But in a new way, I AM surrendered.  I am completely powerless here where the sacred has been torn from my life.
I am clay in the potter's hand.  He is forming and molding me.  It has come many times and in many ways as I have been following Jesus; and it comes here and now in my heartache, pain and loss.  It will continue to come in the really hard days, in the good days, and in the days that seem painfully mundane.

Below is a quote that a dear friend passed along to me about the formation process.

Is not a picture painted on a canvas by the application of one stroke of the brush at a time? Similarly the cruel chisel destroys the stone with each cut. But what the stone suffers by repeated blows is no less than the shape the mason is making of it. And should a poor stone be asked, "What is happening to you?" It might reply, "Don't ask me. All I know is that for my part there is nothing for me to know or do, only to remain steady under the hand of my master and to love him and suffer him to work out my destiny. It is for him to know how to achieve this. I know neither what he is doing nor why. I only know that he is doing what is best and most perfect, and I suffer each cut of the chisel as though it were the best thing for me, even though, to tell the truth, each one is my idea of ruin, destruction and defacement. But, ignoring all this, I rest contented with the present moment. Thinking only of my duty to it, I submit to the work of this skillful master without caring to know what it is.
-Jean-Pierre de Caussade

Thankful today for the way he WILL make all things new; and for the way is making me new day by day, hour by hour, moment by moment.
I give you my heart, Lord, I give you all of me. May you transform me into your likeness so that I may reflect your glory.  (2 Cor. 3:18).   That is my prayer for our family as we walk through this valley.  Though this doesn't seem like a good part of our story, I trust the Lord to make it good.  I pray that Dave, Kristi, Jadyn and Maci will be more like Christ.  This hope is sustaining me for now.  

One month - a letter to my girl

My sweet Kate,

One month..... oh, this month .....  The days are long with heartache and longing; yet way too short at the same time.  Every day is one more day away from the moment I met you and it makes me ache. My arms empty and my heart broken.   We shared 9 months of being together in the most intimate way.   Your life in mine, growing into the perfection that we saw when we met you.   You came to us in an unexpected, lifeless way but you were still born.   I longed to hear your cry and for you to take a breath of the air I breathe ... to share the simple things with you, the gifts of life.  But that wasn’t your story. It was a cruel reality to face when you arrived in this world - the silence stung so badly. This is not the way it was supposed to be.  

God had a different plan for your days than the ones I dreamed of and imagined.  I trust in a new and unfathomable way right now that God’s ways and His thoughts are higher than mine.  It is hard to imagine how this is true when all I want to do is hold you, rock you, feed you, sing to you, change your diapers, kiss you, snuggle you and LOVE you here on this earth.   That seems pretty good and right to me.   Our God has vision, though, that I cannot see, so I surrendered you back into the arms of the one who loves you more than I; the one to whom you have always belonged.   It was the most horrific day of my life, but somehow holy.  It was the saddest day of my life but somehow sacred.  Your little newborn body, so precious to me, had to be let go.   You belong to HIM, you always did; and I am thankful for the moments he gave me to hold you and kiss you and tell you how much I love you.  You came …. and  love and prayers by family and friends surrounded you.  God moved in all of us that day in a way that will leave us changed forever.  Your life mattered Kate.  Too short, yes, but it will always matter.  Our hearts break but they are not destroyed.  As God holds you in his arms, He holds the hearts of those who love you most ….. especially mommy, daddy and your big sisters.   Your sisters awaited your arrival with great anticipation and excitement and joy.  They were ecstatic to be with you and care for you and play with you.   Though disappointed that those are not their realities,  your sweet big sisters are saying, “ we are jealous that she gets to meet Jesus first”.    We are thankful that you will never know the suffering of the things here and that you only know the kingdom of heaven.  All of your days ordained for glory.   Our time here, not enough, but the hope of our reunion brings me comfort and a reason to abide with Jesus in the waiting.  Oh, the waiting.  Father, enlarge my heart in the waiting and take care of my girl.  

I miss you like crazy, and at this point I cannot imagine it getting any easier.  This new lens I see through is not one I ever wanted, but I am trusting that the lens will change from dark and cloudy to beautiful and filled with light again.  Jesus has won this battle with death.  Your life, Kate, is ushering in the kingdom of God in so many beautiful ways already.  I cannot wait to see how God continues to work all things for His good and eternal purposes.

I am so proud to be your mommy.  Not one day will pass when I don't think of you.  Always near, always near my sweet girl.  We await the day when we see you again and see your smiling face.   I will always be the mother of 3 precious daughters.

                                                                          I love you to the moon and back,

                                                                          Mommy