This past Saturday ...... the Saturday that fell between Good Friday and Easter, we received a really sweet gift. It was a meeting, and I would say it was a divine meeting.
We were at Roe Park for Maci's soccer game, and I saw Dave talking to a man. This was the third man Dave had talked to since we arrived 5 minutes prior. (if you know Dave, you know this is very normal ..... for him to know everyone everywhere we go!) But this third person I didn't know (which actually doesn't surprise me either, as it's very normal for my husband to talk to people he doesn't know too). :) By the way, I LOVE this about him. Anyway, I walked over and Dave introduced me to Joe White. I had heard his name before, as the founder of Kanakuk Camps, so I realized quickly this was THAT Joe White. Dave had been talking with him for a few minutes, and had already told him about Kate. Joe had sunglasses on, so I could not even see his eyes, but the compassion that was pouring out of this man was tangible. I could just feel it as he asked me the question, "how are you doing darling, with the death of your baby daughter"? He continued to ask us questions and share stories. He grabbed my head at one point and just rubbed it saying, "you are a courageous princess, you are". Yes, you can imagine that I was barely holding it together in the middle of the soccer field where the girls were warming up. He grabbed Dave and I shortly after, and prayed a beautiful prayer over us. He walked away, then turned around to remind me of my courage and to say, "I love you". My. Heart.
I believe meeting him was a God thing for many reasons, but there was one particular idea he shared that I cannot let go of. He gave this analogy between the season we are in and Easter weekend. He shared about his leukemia diagnosis and how during that time in his life ..... it was FRIDAY. As in, Good Friday. As in suffering and not understanding; maybe even feeling forsaken. And after Friday, then came ....... SATURDAY. And it was just Saturday for a while. For a long while it was Saturday. Not Friday anymore, but not yet Sunday. Joe says he has his Sunday now. You could see it in him. His Sunday has come.
BUT. WE. DON'T. We don't have our Sunday yet. In many areas of our life we are caught in this in between. We are not experiencing Friday ..... threatening us to despair, or to crumble in agony and fear, but we are also not able to see Sunday yet. To see clearly His holy purposes in the suffering that we are enduring. So we sit. In Saturday, we wait. We trust. We hurt. We ask. We seek. We receive - just enough for today. On Saturday, we HOPE. We hope that much is happening even when we can't see it. We hope in the unseen realities that are coming our way. The goodness and life......the resurrection. We don't know the path, or any more twists and turns ahead, but we believe Sunday is on it's way. Because the perfectly righteous Jesus suffered an agonizing Friday out of his love for us and was resurrected, we too know our Sunday is coming. When our life is in His and His in ours, we have this astounding promise to hold on to. As much as it hurts, I understand in a new way that suffering and dying to myself IS the pathway to life. I know that sharing in the sufferings of Christ is actually a privilege, not a curse. I know Him more and love him more every day. It still stinks to be in the valley of the shadow of death and in the wilderness of Saturday, but I AM NOT ALONE. My Jesus suffered this and so much more. He was even forsaken. I am not. God will never leave me or forsake me. He will not fail me on Saturday; instead He will preserve me and continue to establish me in his righteousness. He shares in these sufferings and weeps with me. And because of that truth, I also know that I will share in His glory. Thank you Jesus!
So for now, we hang on with every ounce in us, to stay here, in Saturday. And as we do, we also eagerly await and HOPE for our Sunday. And we thank God for the sweet gifts He is giving us in the meantime, like our time with Joe on Saturday. Not forgotten .... even on Saturday we are not forgotten.
"The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged." - Deuteronomy 31:6
"Now if we are children, then we are heirs - heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory." - romans 8:17
"And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you." - 1 Peter 5:10
Thursday, April 24, 2014
Thursday, April 17, 2014
Five months - a letter to my girl
My dear Kate,
There is nothing new under the sun. It's another day and another month with you far far away. I am just learning to live with the pain, my love, but the pain doesn't really lessen. Don't think it EVER will.
Last night I laid in bed reading the story of another mama's loss of her precious daughter. I cried with her and for her in a way I wish I couldn't. I wish I didn't know what it is like to only have hours with your child, breathing or not. I wish I didn't know the horror and shock that takes over when you hear your child isn't alive or won't survive. I wish I didn't know about aching arms, and panic attacks, and crying so hard you are afraid you won't be able to stop. I wish I didn't know about the guilt that hovers, or the anger that threatens to steal your HOPE. I wish I didn't know about the fear of moving on .... knowing it will take a lot of courage to have another baby and a lot of courage to not have another baby. Either way, it's another battle ahead, and it's scary. I wish I didn't know about this tension, this sacred dance, of learning to let go/ move on and holding on/ remembering. BUT.... I DO KNOW. I know all too well about this new life...... I live amongst the mommies who have lost their beautiful babies to the cruelty of death. I share something with them that I won't share with anyone else, EVER.
I miss you. And as much as I hate being a part of this crazy cruel "club", this "community" called baby loss; I am STILL so thankful for you, and every moment we shared baby girl. The moments that I was gifted to experience you in my tummy ..... moving, ALIVE and well. For the moments we had with your body ....... to feel you, and see you, and soak in all your glorious beauty. For the celebration service to honor your life with all of those we love. For the sheer fact that you made me a mommy of three.
There are a couple of "memories" right now that I cannot stop thinking about. Two things that I wanted to share with you so badly. Two hopes that were captured in my mind and heart but were never my reality ......
I just wanted to feel your little fingers curl around mine ONE time. It is the most natural thing for a mommy and her child, yet we were robbed of it. I also just wanted to see you open your eyes ONE time. To look into them and to see you though and through. Not even a word need be spoken, just to stare into your sweet eyes ONE time. OH, it hurts. Thank you, Jesus, that when she opened her eyes for the very FIRST time, she saw your face. She met your eyes, and you saw her through and through. The sweetness of that moment... ahhhh. She held onto your finger, Jesus. There is no greater comfort I could ask for you Kate. I am so happy to know you are with your perfect Father, and that your daddy and I will have our time with you....... we wait eagerly to be satisfied of our fleshly desires. And for now we will be satisfied by the same one who comforts you, in all His goodness and faithfulness and love.
Last night I read the most beautiful truth about this journey ...... it goes something like this: "I will not allow God's goodness to be absorbed in my pain. I will instead allow my pain to be absorbed in God's goodness."
I know He is good. HE formed you and gave you life. How wondrous are His works. Unfortunately, darkness has it's place here in this world too. We all have been touched by sin and darkness and now personally, by death. Those things are not of my God, though, or of my Lord and Savior. He is light and love. He is life. Even the darkness is as light to Him. Even death cannot win. In fact, He has conquered it, and what a joy it will be to celebrate that this weekend. The resurrection of Jesus. DEATH HAS LOST ITS STING. He is ALIVE. And you are ALIVE and well my dear Kate. I praise Him, who is worthy of all my heart and all my love and all my life. I praise Him sweet girl. The one who holds you tight. Easter will just be different this year, it just will.
I love you to the moon and back,
Mommy
There is nothing new under the sun. It's another day and another month with you far far away. I am just learning to live with the pain, my love, but the pain doesn't really lessen. Don't think it EVER will.
Last night I laid in bed reading the story of another mama's loss of her precious daughter. I cried with her and for her in a way I wish I couldn't. I wish I didn't know what it is like to only have hours with your child, breathing or not. I wish I didn't know the horror and shock that takes over when you hear your child isn't alive or won't survive. I wish I didn't know about aching arms, and panic attacks, and crying so hard you are afraid you won't be able to stop. I wish I didn't know about the guilt that hovers, or the anger that threatens to steal your HOPE. I wish I didn't know about the fear of moving on .... knowing it will take a lot of courage to have another baby and a lot of courage to not have another baby. Either way, it's another battle ahead, and it's scary. I wish I didn't know about this tension, this sacred dance, of learning to let go/ move on and holding on/ remembering. BUT.... I DO KNOW. I know all too well about this new life...... I live amongst the mommies who have lost their beautiful babies to the cruelty of death. I share something with them that I won't share with anyone else, EVER.
I miss you. And as much as I hate being a part of this crazy cruel "club", this "community" called baby loss; I am STILL so thankful for you, and every moment we shared baby girl. The moments that I was gifted to experience you in my tummy ..... moving, ALIVE and well. For the moments we had with your body ....... to feel you, and see you, and soak in all your glorious beauty. For the celebration service to honor your life with all of those we love. For the sheer fact that you made me a mommy of three.
There are a couple of "memories" right now that I cannot stop thinking about. Two things that I wanted to share with you so badly. Two hopes that were captured in my mind and heart but were never my reality ......
I just wanted to feel your little fingers curl around mine ONE time. It is the most natural thing for a mommy and her child, yet we were robbed of it. I also just wanted to see you open your eyes ONE time. To look into them and to see you though and through. Not even a word need be spoken, just to stare into your sweet eyes ONE time. OH, it hurts. Thank you, Jesus, that when she opened her eyes for the very FIRST time, she saw your face. She met your eyes, and you saw her through and through. The sweetness of that moment... ahhhh. She held onto your finger, Jesus. There is no greater comfort I could ask for you Kate. I am so happy to know you are with your perfect Father, and that your daddy and I will have our time with you....... we wait eagerly to be satisfied of our fleshly desires. And for now we will be satisfied by the same one who comforts you, in all His goodness and faithfulness and love.Last night I read the most beautiful truth about this journey ...... it goes something like this: "I will not allow God's goodness to be absorbed in my pain. I will instead allow my pain to be absorbed in God's goodness."
I know He is good. HE formed you and gave you life. How wondrous are His works. Unfortunately, darkness has it's place here in this world too. We all have been touched by sin and darkness and now personally, by death. Those things are not of my God, though, or of my Lord and Savior. He is light and love. He is life. Even the darkness is as light to Him. Even death cannot win. In fact, He has conquered it, and what a joy it will be to celebrate that this weekend. The resurrection of Jesus. DEATH HAS LOST ITS STING. He is ALIVE. And you are ALIVE and well my dear Kate. I praise Him, who is worthy of all my heart and all my love and all my life. I praise Him sweet girl. The one who holds you tight. Easter will just be different this year, it just will. I love you to the moon and back,
Mommy
Friday, April 11, 2014
A sweet little reminder
It reminds me today that my Kate is at REST, in perfect peace and enjoying the glory we all long for. It is also a timely affirmation that we are to REST, and to receive His perfect gifts of rest. In his presence. At His feet. Eyes on HIM.
"You will keep in perfect peace, him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you." - Isaiah 26:3
"In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength...." - Isaiah 30:15
Monday, April 7, 2014
REST
Our family has declared for ourselves a season of REST. I never knew how hard it would be ..... first to come to the conclusion that "this is what God has for us right now", and then to actually live into this radical word - rest.
We are just really bad at it. As individuals, as couples and families, as organizations, as communities .... our culture is always screaming, "GO ...... Be someone, Do Something! QUICK!" We hear those messages and believe they will deliver life.
We scramble and perform and produce at rapid rates. We are approved of and successful...... until we're not ....... and then who are we??? Who are we when we are worn out? weary? have failed? suffered loss? gone through a divorce? confused? lost purpose? Who are we when we have come to these places and we must lay down and REST?
Why is it so hard for us to believe that we are still worthy and good and loved when we are not producing? Not surrounded by friends? Not in the middle of it all? I am asking these questions because these are the things on my heart and mind if I am honest. I wonder how, if I am doing nothing can I still be something? Be someone? You see, I am finding that rest is THE deepest trust place. Take everything you've based your identity on and stop doing it. Who's left? Who are you and whose are you?
As I enter this season, I feel disoriented. And to be honest I don't like that at all. I prefer to feel like my little world is managed and controlled. My friend Shelley reminded me that this season is about reorientation. As I let the dust settle and begin to let the fears fade, I find myself excited about what God is going to reveal in the REST. What life he will bring as He reorients me to Himself as His child and then speaks to my deepest heart about my calling.
But for now we will REST. Our friend Tom said, "your regular rhythms and routines can't contain what God has for you"...... so we are stopping, even a lot of good things we are stopping. We will RETREAT. We will allow God to REORIENT us as we seek his face, receive his love, and trust deeply that he has us here, once again. Here. We. Go. To be with Jesus. I hear him saying "come to me" .... without the distractions. Even good things can be distracting us from the BEST thing. I know Jesus is the BEST thing and the way.
"Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me - watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly."
- Matthew 11:28 MSG
We are just really bad at it. As individuals, as couples and families, as organizations, as communities .... our culture is always screaming, "GO ...... Be someone, Do Something! QUICK!" We hear those messages and believe they will deliver life.
We scramble and perform and produce at rapid rates. We are approved of and successful...... until we're not ....... and then who are we??? Who are we when we are worn out? weary? have failed? suffered loss? gone through a divorce? confused? lost purpose? Who are we when we have come to these places and we must lay down and REST?
Why is it so hard for us to believe that we are still worthy and good and loved when we are not producing? Not surrounded by friends? Not in the middle of it all? I am asking these questions because these are the things on my heart and mind if I am honest. I wonder how, if I am doing nothing can I still be something? Be someone? You see, I am finding that rest is THE deepest trust place. Take everything you've based your identity on and stop doing it. Who's left? Who are you and whose are you?
As I enter this season, I feel disoriented. And to be honest I don't like that at all. I prefer to feel like my little world is managed and controlled. My friend Shelley reminded me that this season is about reorientation. As I let the dust settle and begin to let the fears fade, I find myself excited about what God is going to reveal in the REST. What life he will bring as He reorients me to Himself as His child and then speaks to my deepest heart about my calling.
But for now we will REST. Our friend Tom said, "your regular rhythms and routines can't contain what God has for you"...... so we are stopping, even a lot of good things we are stopping. We will RETREAT. We will allow God to REORIENT us as we seek his face, receive his love, and trust deeply that he has us here, once again. Here. We. Go. To be with Jesus. I hear him saying "come to me" .... without the distractions. Even good things can be distracting us from the BEST thing. I know Jesus is the BEST thing and the way.
"Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me - watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly."
- Matthew 11:28 MSG
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