My Kate Ryan,
Today, this day that I wait for with both joyful anticipation and sorrow, is here. Your fourth birthday is upon us baby girl. It's here, our day to celebrate you, to remember you fully and with all of our hearts. I always want to give you so much honor and love on this day, Kate Ryan; and then I find myself on the other end ...... receiving so much. So much of you invested in me. So much of God imparted to me through you. So many peaceful, clear, holy thoughts. So many tears of love. So much love from those around me.
During my massage this morning it was as if you were there loving me with Jesus. If felt like I received such a blessing, like you were saying, "Mama, you are doing the right thing right now, taking care of yourself. I love you so much and am proud of you. Everything is okay. Better than okay, it's wonderful. You are beautiful and I'm so glad you are my mama." I believe those are the Father's thoughts toward me, but it meant so much to hear them as if they came from your sweet voice. I "felt" your hands and God's hand upon me. It's so strange to "see" you as this four year old in my mind's eye, yet "hear" you full of heaven's thoughts. There is no mistaking that you know all, see all, hear all with perfect wisdom, clarity and love. You are nothing like a four year old child. You are pure and whole and with your Jesus. One with Him, with perfect love. I received the gift of that perfect love today.
This is the most relaxed I've been on your birthday. It finally doesn't feel like I have to get it right. I just get to enjoy it. To ride out the waves. I love all the painful tugs on my heart and all the joyful celebration. The girls and I had so much FUN last night making your cookies. I wasn't doing so great up until that point, but oh how my spirit was lifted over the evening. Making space and saying NO to normal life to bake for you is what my heart needed. I need this carved out space for you, my sweet girl. It will never take the place of being here with you and seeing you enjoy a birthday party but it sure does my soul good to do these few things in remembrance and love. The five of us will go to dinner tonight and let your balloons go when we get home. I even love putting in the balloon order in at party city. :) I may be crying while I do it, but it's just one of those things that feels right and good. Like I have a way to love you here on earth. So, I guess, it's been a "give and take" day. Love exchanged between us my sweet girl. Love that only we share.
So, I find my heart in that sweet hallelujah space where longing and praise collide. The hallelujah you taught me on this day four years ago as we dedicated you back to the One who gave you to me. The hallelujah you taught me as I cried out in worship during your service 8 days later. It's a deeper hallelujah today. The deepest it's been. I believe it's fruit of the not-so-easy "deeper still" journey I've been on. I am thankful. As I prayed last night with your sisters, my thanks for you was as sincere as it's ever been. Oh, the thanks for your short but sweet life, for how it has shaped us and grown us up in many ways. You ARE a mighty, mighty warrior little one. I am grateful for our story and the way God's redeeming hand has held us and walked us forward out of the depths. Your place in our story screams glory! There is no place in my life where I know Jesus' life and heart more than I do in you. Christi in you, the hope of Glory.
I love you precious one. I miss you always, every day. Not a day goes by without a thought of you. Your light and your life shine bright here sweet girl. You are so dearly loved.
I love you ....... to the moon and back,
Mommy
Friday, November 17, 2017
Saturday, November 11, 2017
Almost FOUR
In just under one week we will celebrate Kate Ryan's 4th birthday. I am feeling fragile but not overcome. The tears come easily when someone asks how I'm doing with her day approaching. That feels good and right, but not easy. There is no escaping tensions in life, love and loss. That has been one of my greatest gifts the last few years - getting comfortable with tensions.
I want to write Kate's letter on her birthday and I just want it to be to HER, in complete love and honor. This last year has been filled with grief and healing so I wanted to process and share first a bit before writing her letter on Friday. I miss this space to do that. Whether anyone reads or not, I get a sense of relief and peace to just "get it out".
I made it through Kate's 3rd birthday and Christmas last year pretty resiliently, but mid-January I really began struggling. Winter isn't the best for me anyway with the cold temps, lack of sun and plenty of time indoors, but the hit I was taking was out of the ordinary "winter blues". And it lasted. And lasted. And lasted. I was trying to fight, figure it out and make it stop when about 6 weeks in, I heard the Lord say "acceptance". The spiritual work here was acceptance. I mean, I should know by now that this is how God works, but it's taken this last year to really "get" this part of my spiritual journey. There are times, like death, where acceptance is forced upon us; then there are other times where we still have a sense of power and are able to resist what is happening in us. Resistance feels safe but it keeps us stuck. After knowing what the spiritual work was, by his grace, I just began to accept where I was ..... a mess. Confused. Hurting. Mad. Not quickly or easily, the Lord began to call me "deeper still". It was a clear and continuous word from Him to call me out into deeper waters of my healing.
I had to wrestle again with God about November 17th, 2013. At first, it felt like failure; like I didn't do this right the first time around. But "deeper still" means just that - an invitation to deeper places of my heart and my healing, not that I hadn't been into the waters at all. It soon became only a place of beauty and grace. I went to Gold Monarch Healing Center in June (which is a story in and of itself). One night the guy leading worship called out in a song, "there is someone here whose name is Deeper Still". Jesus saw me. He knew me. It was there that I realized how I felt God had failed me and betrayed me in the moments and hours leading up to the words "there is no heartbeat". It is the place I began to build courage to face that while I had learned who God was in the aftermath, I didn't ever face who He was or where He was in the moments before and during Kate's death. It was there that a previous vision I had of myself as a stone figure on Kate's birthday was confirmed prophetically and breath was breathed into my lifeless body, heart and mind. I awoke to the pain that was buried. I awoke to the anger. I awoke to the calling of deeper still.
It was hard to look back and see where I had maybe over-spiritualized my pain in that first year. There were MANY absolute authentic moments of knowing Jesus like I never had before after losing Kate. In 2014, I trusted Him to really carry me for the first time ever. I learned of his strong arms, his tender voice and the power of his word to sustain me. AND ....... I also think there were ways I used only spiritual knowledge to soothe my pain. While the truer, deeper parts of my heart were in denial or not wanting to go to the depths, my mind quoted scripture at my heart just to make it all stop. To really go there was just too much. Maybe I didn't have capacity, so maybe it was grace. I don't know.
I also think, in my unique brokenness, I wanted to perform this thing away. To know and to even write this pain away. In part, my healing became a performance. This is the thing God continues to break in me, performance. He's using my girl.
Not sure if any of that makes any sense, but it does in my heart.
He is doing a work in me through my baby girl. I love that she is still my little warrior for the Lord, even if only in her mama's life. I love how Jesus can take it all (my anger, sadness, pain, numbness, performance) and bring wholeness and fullness of life like never before. The way IN is always the way through. Unfortunately, I believe religion often gets in the way of allowing that. Yes, God does have the answers. He undoubtedly IS the answer, but experiencing and knowing the answer doesn't always come easily or quickly or without a journey. So ...... let's be gentle, and let ourselves and others be where they are. It takes true faith and trust, but Jesus will speak. In his time. In his way. In our deepest self he will bring Truth to our truth. Every grief journey, every life journey is a process. So thankful today that there is grace for the journey.
I want to write Kate's letter on her birthday and I just want it to be to HER, in complete love and honor. This last year has been filled with grief and healing so I wanted to process and share first a bit before writing her letter on Friday. I miss this space to do that. Whether anyone reads or not, I get a sense of relief and peace to just "get it out".
I made it through Kate's 3rd birthday and Christmas last year pretty resiliently, but mid-January I really began struggling. Winter isn't the best for me anyway with the cold temps, lack of sun and plenty of time indoors, but the hit I was taking was out of the ordinary "winter blues". And it lasted. And lasted. And lasted. I was trying to fight, figure it out and make it stop when about 6 weeks in, I heard the Lord say "acceptance". The spiritual work here was acceptance. I mean, I should know by now that this is how God works, but it's taken this last year to really "get" this part of my spiritual journey. There are times, like death, where acceptance is forced upon us; then there are other times where we still have a sense of power and are able to resist what is happening in us. Resistance feels safe but it keeps us stuck. After knowing what the spiritual work was, by his grace, I just began to accept where I was ..... a mess. Confused. Hurting. Mad. Not quickly or easily, the Lord began to call me "deeper still". It was a clear and continuous word from Him to call me out into deeper waters of my healing.
I had to wrestle again with God about November 17th, 2013. At first, it felt like failure; like I didn't do this right the first time around. But "deeper still" means just that - an invitation to deeper places of my heart and my healing, not that I hadn't been into the waters at all. It soon became only a place of beauty and grace. I went to Gold Monarch Healing Center in June (which is a story in and of itself). One night the guy leading worship called out in a song, "there is someone here whose name is Deeper Still". Jesus saw me. He knew me. It was there that I realized how I felt God had failed me and betrayed me in the moments and hours leading up to the words "there is no heartbeat". It is the place I began to build courage to face that while I had learned who God was in the aftermath, I didn't ever face who He was or where He was in the moments before and during Kate's death. It was there that a previous vision I had of myself as a stone figure on Kate's birthday was confirmed prophetically and breath was breathed into my lifeless body, heart and mind. I awoke to the pain that was buried. I awoke to the anger. I awoke to the calling of deeper still.
It was hard to look back and see where I had maybe over-spiritualized my pain in that first year. There were MANY absolute authentic moments of knowing Jesus like I never had before after losing Kate. In 2014, I trusted Him to really carry me for the first time ever. I learned of his strong arms, his tender voice and the power of his word to sustain me. AND ....... I also think there were ways I used only spiritual knowledge to soothe my pain. While the truer, deeper parts of my heart were in denial or not wanting to go to the depths, my mind quoted scripture at my heart just to make it all stop. To really go there was just too much. Maybe I didn't have capacity, so maybe it was grace. I don't know.
I also think, in my unique brokenness, I wanted to perform this thing away. To know and to even write this pain away. In part, my healing became a performance. This is the thing God continues to break in me, performance. He's using my girl.
Not sure if any of that makes any sense, but it does in my heart.
He is doing a work in me through my baby girl. I love that she is still my little warrior for the Lord, even if only in her mama's life. I love how Jesus can take it all (my anger, sadness, pain, numbness, performance) and bring wholeness and fullness of life like never before. The way IN is always the way through. Unfortunately, I believe religion often gets in the way of allowing that. Yes, God does have the answers. He undoubtedly IS the answer, but experiencing and knowing the answer doesn't always come easily or quickly or without a journey. So ...... let's be gentle, and let ourselves and others be where they are. It takes true faith and trust, but Jesus will speak. In his time. In his way. In our deepest self he will bring Truth to our truth. Every grief journey, every life journey is a process. So thankful today that there is grace for the journey.
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