My Kate Ryan,
Today, this day that I wait for with both joyful anticipation and sorrow, is here. Your fourth birthday is upon us baby girl. It's here, our day to celebrate you, to remember you fully and with all of our hearts. I always want to give you so much honor and love on this day, Kate Ryan; and then I find myself on the other end ...... receiving so much. So much of you invested in me. So much of God imparted to me through you. So many peaceful, clear, holy thoughts. So many tears of love. So much love from those around me.
During my massage this morning it was as if you were there loving me with Jesus. If felt like I received such a blessing, like you were saying, "Mama, you are doing the right thing right now, taking care of yourself. I love you so much and am proud of you. Everything is okay. Better than okay, it's wonderful. You are beautiful and I'm so glad you are my mama." I believe those are the Father's thoughts toward me, but it meant so much to hear them as if they came from your sweet voice. I "felt" your hands and God's hand upon me. It's so strange to "see" you as this four year old in my mind's eye, yet "hear" you full of heaven's thoughts. There is no mistaking that you know all, see all, hear all with perfect wisdom, clarity and love. You are nothing like a four year old child. You are pure and whole and with your Jesus. One with Him, with perfect love. I received the gift of that perfect love today.
This is the most relaxed I've been on your birthday. It finally doesn't feel like I have to get it right. I just get to enjoy it. To ride out the waves. I love all the painful tugs on my heart and all the joyful celebration. The girls and I had so much FUN last night making your cookies. I wasn't doing so great up until that point, but oh how my spirit was lifted over the evening. Making space and saying NO to normal life to bake for you is what my heart needed. I need this carved out space for you, my sweet girl. It will never take the place of being here with you and seeing you enjoy a birthday party but it sure does my soul good to do these few things in remembrance and love. The five of us will go to dinner tonight and let your balloons go when we get home. I even love putting in the balloon order in at party city. :) I may be crying while I do it, but it's just one of those things that feels right and good. Like I have a way to love you here on earth. So, I guess, it's been a "give and take" day. Love exchanged between us my sweet girl. Love that only we share.
So, I find my heart in that sweet hallelujah space where longing and praise collide. The hallelujah you taught me on this day four years ago as we dedicated you back to the One who gave you to me. The hallelujah you taught me as I cried out in worship during your service 8 days later. It's a deeper hallelujah today. The deepest it's been. I believe it's fruit of the not-so-easy "deeper still" journey I've been on. I am thankful. As I prayed last night with your sisters, my thanks for you was as sincere as it's ever been. Oh, the thanks for your short but sweet life, for how it has shaped us and grown us up in many ways. You ARE a mighty, mighty warrior little one. I am grateful for our story and the way God's redeeming hand has held us and walked us forward out of the depths. Your place in our story screams glory! There is no place in my life where I know Jesus' life and heart more than I do in you. Christi in you, the hope of Glory.
I love you precious one. I miss you always, every day. Not a day goes by without a thought of you. Your light and your life shine bright here sweet girl. You are so dearly loved.
I love you ....... to the moon and back,
Mommy
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