8 months - A letter to my girl

Sweet Kate,

Today feels difficult my love.  I can be in "coping mode"and then the unexpected just triggers me.  Yesterday it was the zoo.  Off we went with Grammy to meet Aunt Audra and your cousins.  Your sisters were filled with anticipation to see the polar bears, and the penguins (which we hadn't seen yet).  It wasn't long before we were inside the gates on this 75 degree July day and I saw the sea of strollers.   I noticed myself just shutting down in this moment out of self protection and a means of survival.  But the truth is, I just missed you.  I missed you so terribly much in that moment and in many moments throughout the day.  I didn't fully let myself feel it until much later, but when I did I was reminded of how awfully wrong life is without you.  You should be on my hip seeing the animals at the zoo for the first time.  I should be pushing my napping Kate in her stroller .... that now sits empty in our garage.  Dang.  Oh how I wish things were different and not so dang difficult.

I know God will carry me through these days as he has been.  He is faithful, and has given me so many days filled with hope and life and joy.  I am being awakened to a new life in Him.  I know how deep his love is and how sufficient his grace.  I understand what it means to have my faith built on a solid rock. Christ my cornerstone.  I know what it is to be held and forgiven.  Freed.
Many of these things have happened since you were born.  In no way do I believe God allowed your death in order for these things to happen in me.  I do, though, believe that they are a consequence of your short life here and your death.  God uses ALL things for the good of those who love him who have been called according to his purpose (Romans 8:28).  He is using your way too short life, my love, to awaken my soul and others' as well.

I hope you met your friend Hally this past week.  She ran into the arms of Jesus last week .... way too soon in our human understanding here.  Only nine.   She was just playing with Jadyn last month, and I now have hope that she is playing with you .... that she is like your big sister there in heaven for now.   

I love you.  My heart still feels like it might explode if I feel to the full how much my I love and miss you all at once.  I have to let it out in doses.  You my dear,  ....my hot pink warrior, my too sweet for this world, precious one, are adored and treasured and never forgotten.  Not one day passes without thoughts about you, tears shed for you, or chatter about our broken hopes and dreams for you.  Thankful tonight that our hope is not placed in ourselves, in our health, or in a perfect life here on earth, but that our hope is placed alone in Jesus Christ our Lord and Savior who right now kisses you tenderly "goodnight".  Goodnight baby girl.  Goodnight.

I love you to the moon and back,
Mommy 

 

Prayer

Our dearest of friends lost their niece last week to a terribly rare infection from lake water.  We will celebrate her life today and I ask for your prayers.  Hally and Jadyn were just playing over a month ago; jumping on a trampoline.  She was so full of life and love.  They were reacquainting themselves, laughing, and enjoying life to the full in the way children do.  Our hearts break today and they also rejoice knowing she is in the arms of Jesus.  
This morning I read Psalm 84 in my devotion time.  I am praying for all of Hally's family to dwell deeply in His living presence today, knowing that He is capable of holding their hearts so close to his; feeling tightly wrapped in his arms.  His promise is for blessing to those who dwell in the house of the Lord.  Even as they pass through the valley of Baca springs will rise. 
Surrounded by love from family and friends, today we all will enter into the house of God.  Broken hearted but not destroyed. 
Will you join me in interceding for this amazing family?  Her parents, siblings, extended family, and the community of friends who love her deeply. 
.    

Sacred Spaces

Last week my big girls were at camp so I received the gift of alone time.  A lot of it.  A lot of it that went very quickly, as it always does.  I had been fighting for peace the week prior.   Nothing major, just feeling tugged and pulled in a million different directions.  Doing a lot of good and fun things......just a lot.  A lot going on is not what I am going for!! :)  I am still noticing a great need for rest, stillness and taking care of myself.  I am noticing the necessity to still be around people in my "care castle" often.  Those I never feel the need to "be anything" with.  Those whom I can still cry in the middle of dinner if I need to, or those who can just sit with me in the silence. 

On Wednesday, I took a little window of time to go to the Kauffman gardens.   This has been such a special place to me.  A place where I began a journey of claiming my identity as God's child.  He has spoken tender things to me in this place through the beauty of the gardens, statues, and fountains.  It has been a holy place, really.  I was hoping to go and "catch my breath" a bit.  To be still ...... and be reminded that He is God.   I arrived expectant to hear His voice.  Not expecting to hear anything in particular, just expectant to meet with my Maker.   

I took a little walking tour through the front gardens.  As I have been working on Kate's garden, I am beginning to learn the names of more plants and flowers.  This time it was fun to walk through naming plants and flowers in my mind.  She has opened my eyes to a new world in this way and given me new knowledge.  I definitely do not have a green thumb yet but I am enjoying this process for sure.  Some of the flowers I picked out for her garden were among the first I saw upon arrival.  A sweet reassurance to me.  God.  It's the little things sometimes. 


I moved on to the back garden; the one with the statues of dancers that has been so sacred to me.  I sat on a bench which I have never sat on before, and gained a new view, a new perspective.  The perfect perspective on this day.  The landscape of beauty before me ..... the beauty's blessing fell fresh on me.  It felt like perfection for a moment.  The blue sky.  Sun shining brightly through the trees, it's warmth on my skin and a pocket of shade to scoot into when I needed.  Vibrant flowers before my eyes and the constancy of the splashing fountain.   The freedom of the dancers in front of me.  It doesn't take long for my mind to wander to "I wish my girl was here", but the thought barely formed before I began to experience what God wanted me to know that day.  He gave me a gift .... but a glimpse of my girl's home, her heaven, her perfection.  It doesn't take long for the tears to fall in these moments.  Before I knew it the warmth of the sun couldn't touch the warmth in my heart.  The tears felt so pure.  Pure rejoicing.  Pure joy.   I don't really know how to reconcile that or if it even makes sense when I miss her so much, but it felt true for that moment.  God's healing tears.  I imagined the moment she was received into this glory  .......that Jesus just held her tightly in his arms and let her take in all that was before her.  I imagined what she saw and what she heard ..... a choir of angels rejoicing over her arrival.   The feeling of being safe in his arms.  The warmth of it all.

"He will wipe every tear from their eyes.  There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.  Revelation 21:4

I continued to sit.  I continued to wait.  I would know when to go.  God continued to speak to me about some different situations in my life.  Questions that are nagging in my spirit.  I didn't necessarily receive answers, but I received the comfort and consolation that His presence gives.  Encouragement for the moment, for the day.  My daily bread.  But before I left there was a revelation that came fresh.  Something I knew but needed a reminder of.    I moved to sit along the ground and set my eyes upon my favorite statue there.  God whispered to me ..... "the same rejoicing that happened in heaven upon Kate's arrival is over you now my love.  It is there.  It is constant.  You must believe it."   Does my believing cause the rejoicing?  Is it some act of "you do this and I'll give that"?  Absolutely not.  That is not how God works.  His gifts are there.  My believing is just a condition of the receiving.  My believing opens up the flood gates of heaven to me, where I am the recipient of His promises, His life, His precious gifts.  

"The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save, He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing."  Zepahniah 3:17