Three months sweet girl, three months since I had you in my arms.
I thought you would want to know, today, that I have all these angels caring for me here. People who are taking care of my broken heart. Some dear friends, some strangers, some children, some saints. All of them, in the last couple of weeks, keep reminding me about the place where you reside. It just about brings me to my knees every time. I am reminded of the place you call home and I want to be there with you sweet girl. I am reminded that this place where I am is NOT my home. Not where I belong, just a brief stop on my journey. I praise God that there is a heavenly home where we do belong. I praise God that I have full assurance of your place there ...... He had a room waiting for you, arms to hold you, voices to sing over you, peace to give you, smiles and laughter and joy and, and, and ....... Oh, I can't wait to hear about all you are enjoying. Just the glimpses of it makes me have to catch my breath for a moment.
I still have these pangs of hollowness that hit me so hard. It is just not right here without you. It hurts. Jadyn celebrated her 8th birthday and you were supposed to be at her party. I went to a dance convention last weekend in Chicago. Though I loved it and was grateful to go, I wasn't supposed to be able to go do that right now. What was supposed to be, isn't, though .... so we are learning to move forward and figure out how to live this new life. Never forgetting. Always remembering. YET, letting go of the life we hoped for here on this earth. Not letting go of YOU, never, but letting go of the reality of you being with us NOW. Learning to live with the sadness and pain and finding life in it. Wow. It is not easy, but it is a sacred dance that I am learning to be thankful for.
You, my dear, have caused a breaking. A breaking in hearts and minds and spirits. A good breaking. A holy breaking. Even your mommy knows new freedom. I have heard countless stories of how your short little life mattered. You are amazing Kate. You never took a breath outside of my tummy and God is using you to cause transformation in peoples lives. I am so proud. I am so so proud of you my daughter. Life is sweeter because you were here. Even the hollowness and pain can't take that away. It is just somehow true. It doesn't really make sense to me. Your presence so sweet ....... the suffering so great ..... hope in the midst ....The holy mystery of life in Christ.
Missing you and loving you,
Mommy
P.S. Your sisters say they hope there is a party in heaven today for you!! Celebrating you sweet girl. I hope there are many enjoying your sweet little smiles today!!
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