2014

Holy Confidence was my 2013 word. So what about this year?  After a tragedy like Kate it seems like there would be many "fitting" words to attempt to live into.  Peace, joy, healing .... the list could go on and on ...... because my heart truly longs for all of those things.  But this isn't about picking a word.  What I have found is that my word kind of picks me.  As January unfolded so did my word begin to reveal itself. 

I left a seminar in Oct. (5 weeks before Kate was born) with 4 "words" that I wanted to be more true of me.  Powerful. Secure. Free. Fully Alive.  I had honestly just begun to press into those a little when Kate was born and then.....  well, just living at all became my goal each day.  Forget being FULLY alive.  Wanting to be alive at all was success.  And a funny thing began to happen.  It has been in the darkness that I have found life.  The deep sorrow forces a new awareness to the present moment.  You cannot escape it.  You are suspended between the past for which you long and a future that you hoped would be. So all there is is NOW.  And NOW can feel so empty and lifeless and lead to unending despair.  Or it can feel empty yet full of life and lead to hope.  And it has been a supernatural thing at work for sure to feel empty AND full of life.  It is something that has been happening in me that I am attempting to put words to.   Gerald Sittser, in his book, A Grace Disguised says this about the present moment.  "It may be that the present moment contains the secret of the renewal of life we long for, as if, in looking under the surface of this vast sea of nothingness, we may find another world that is teeming with life." Again, somehow deep sorrow makes us alive to the present moment.  Living in the present moment is making me fully alive in a new way.  A new awareness, a new seeing,  new beauty, new sorrow, a new and deeper love. 

So.... I was thinking and praying over my word for 2014, and I wrote down fully alive.  Around it I wrote things like awareness, joy, healed, whole, secure, free.  I was test driving the word fully alive for a week or so.  I had started my blog shortly before this time.   I had three people say to me in that week, "Kristi, it's like you are dancing with your words".   These are people who have always been touched by my dancing and been a supporter of me in that.  I was walking through my house that same week and I caught a quick glimpse of a gift I received shortly after Kate's death.  It is a figurine of a woman dancing - it's really really lovely, and came from a friend who loves me deeply and who I love so much.  We have been through the tides of life together in deep and meaningful ways.   When she gave it to me she said she thought of Shelley's words at Kate's service.  The last thing Shelley said was, "and Kristi will dance again".  

It hit me as I was headed to my bedroom one day.  I passed by that special gift and I thought.....   My word - it's DANCE!  That's it!  It's the place I have always felt secure and free and fully alive.  It has been a powerful place of healing and expression in my own life and others.  It is a place I am present to the moment.   This is how I want to LIVE and it feels like I have been many days ..... EVEN in the darkness and in the sorrow.  I want to continue to DANCE ..... EVEN though my life will never be the same, and there will ALWAYS be an emptiness because of the Kate shaped hole in my heart.  Dancing is not something I will strive to achieve, but a gift I will receive.  I will trust that as I continue to surrender to the God who sees me, knows me, and holds me in my deepest pain and fear,  He will continue to bring new security, new freedom, new  life, a new dance.  One that will be powerful.

 
"You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, that my heart may sing to you and not be silent.  O Lord my God, I will give you thanks forever."  - Psalm 30:11-12