Two months - a letter to my girl

My sweet Kate,

This morning I awake and the pain feels fresh and new again.   Missing you will never cease.  I spent time in our rocking chair yesterday.  You know this is a place I go to be with you .... so I call it ours.  It is a place I can sit and just miss you, and dream of all the ways we would be together now if you were here.  I have visions of  exactly what you would look like today, 2 months later.  I can imagine your size, your chubby cheeks, your first smiles, your changing hair.  I feel your weight change in my arms.  I love you baby girl, I love you so much.

I began to feel the pain rising in a fresh way 2 days ago.  As the pain rises, the darkness threatens to close in, but I am choosing to keep myself open to you, and to Jesus.  This suffering I feel here on the earth is something God has chosen for me to know in this unique way.  I share in the sufferings of Christ with the promise that I will also share in his glory ...... as you are now experiencing in all it's perfection.  A friend reached out to me this morning and said she has thoughts of you, Kate, redeemed and knowing the end of our story and how God will make all things new.  She said that she sees you speaking to Jesus on my behalf ...... cheering me on and fighting for me.  I believe that to be true with every ounce of my being. Thank you precious girl.... thank you for cheering for and fighting for your heartbroken mama.   

I read bible stories to your sisters about heaven and it makes me weep with joy for you.  I only have glimpses of the beauty, love,  and wholeness you are experiencing and it overwhelms me.  I am so happy for you baby .... that you are experiencing God's GLORY.   I can't wait to share in the fullness of that with you.  Oh, I can't wait.

So for today, I am reminded by another sweet friend, to just cry out to our God,  "Lord Jesus, son of God, have mercy on me." To breathe and stay present.  To receive the grace of this moment and be drawn more into Christ as I share in his suffering.  So today I do that and I choose to SEE.  I choose LIFE.  I choose to receive the great gifts of MERCY and GRACE and PEACE as I miss you with all of my heart Kate Ryan.  Our love for one another will forever change me.  You are a beacon of light and hope.

I love you to the moon and back,
Mommy