Jadyn and Maci began running around the house with excitement in their 6 and 7 year old girly ways. Dancing, singing, and yes, squealing with delight. Jadyn anxiously asked if she could help pack my bag and pick an outfit out for Kate to wear home from the hospital. Kate's outfit, check. Kate's hat, check. Kate's socks, check. Jadyn was so excited and I wanted to allow her the pleasure of "dressing" her little sister so I didn't even look at what she packed. I trusted that Kate would be wearing the perfect outfit because her sister chose it.
There is nothing like those moments preceding the birth of your child. You are nervous and beyond excited and, let's be honest .... in pain!! I was hopeful to enter the triage room and be admitted quickly, but that wasn't the reality we were about to enter. I will NEVER forget those moments; those dreaded moments that we lived through. It was now 2:30 am on November 17th, and the first nurse we saw had trouble finding her heartbeat. I thought to myself, that's strange ..... Kate must have moved, or maybe this nurse is new and has no idea what she is doing. :) There surely wasn't something wrong with our daughter. The second nurse was having the same trouble. I began to realize this wasn't a nurse issue or a movement issue, and my calm and excitement quickly moved to worry and confusion. Worry and confusion quickly moved to fear, and I asked desperately a few times, "Is she okay?" The nurses sent for a doctor who arrived shortly with an ultrasound machine. Our hearts began to race and our minds became uneasy to say the least. "Is she okay, is she, is she?", I begged in my questioning. I was begging for a YES. I will never forget the next moments - never. Dr. Nichols shook her head NO in a slow and deliberate way as she looked at the machine and then back at us with sorrowful eyes. She said EVERYTHING without saying ANYTHING. Our baby was gone. That moment held so much ..... shock, sadness, anger, terror, confusion. I screamed at the top of my lungs, "my baby, no, my baby, no, no, no!!!" All of that emotion in an instant and then in the next ...... praise? "You give and take away, you give and take away", I screamed repeatedly. I am still not sure if I believed and trusted God in that moment, or if these words were just a response to what I hoped would come.... trust in his nearness, love and comfort. Either way, my spirit needed to acknowledge TRUTH in that moment and I believe in a strange, subconscious sort of way it was an act of worship and praise to the ONE who I knew would be holding us in the hours, days, weeks, and months to come. This was Job's first response when everything was taken from him and his world came crashing down. He was human, and experienced the devastating loss that comes this side of heaven. He did not deny his feelings, but was honest about them. Despite his loss and feelings, he chose to believe and praise God in the midst of his storm. He let grief rise and praise remain. This coexistence - it is the eye of the storm. Praise in your sadness, praise in your confusion, praise in your grief ......... it brings hope, and healing, and allows peace to calm the winds that threaten to send us spinning. His love remains and so I praise Him.
"Because Your lovingkindness is better than life, My lips will praise You. So I will bless You as long as I live; I will lift up my hands in Your name." - Psalm 63:3
"The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised." - Job 1:21b
Kristi, this is beautiful and painful to read. I have tears rolling down my cheeks. Thank you for sharing these most intimate moments.
ReplyDeleteAnd what a beautiful photo - the conflict of grief and praise is so evident in your face. We keep you in our prayers and are moved by your faithfulness and strength in the face of unimaginable pain. May the Comforter be near to each of you in intimate and specific ways.
Much love, the Kautzis
Hey Kristi, I wanted to share with you how you and Kate have changed me. I have spent the last year, post-baptism in sort of a spiritual ramp up. I had joined a leadership huddle, I was moving into a new paid position at Heartland, and I was feeling the whole time, like it was a set up. I have known Jesus since I was nine. And always felt that the stronger my faith the more I would be asked to prove it. Therefore being pulled closer and closer to God clearly meant that I was now going to have to start proving it with my faith, by having things taken away from me or having things go wrong in my life. At least that how it worked in my head anyways. I just wanted to say that I have been reading your brave and courageous blog since day one, and I am starting to see that closer to God should be the goal, not holding on to everything so tightly that it prevents my arms from opening and embracing God and all of the things He has planned for me. I cannot thank you enough for your courage and honesty. Love you.
ReplyDeleteSarah Hahs
Our family experienced a terrible tragedy very close to Christmas. My mother lost an adult son and I lost my youngest brother. Though the circumstances are completelty different, you have beautifully described the conflicting emotions I have felt these past few weeks. Praying you find peace and comfort.
ReplyDeleteChristi Clare
'His love remains so I praise him'. You are experiencing God in a way that many of us never will. He is with you - comforting you, carrying you, loving you. And for that I praise him. I love you & baby Kate.
ReplyDeleteLindsey