Kate's Birth Story Part Two - WITHOUT WORDS

Do you know who "those" people are in your life?  Those people who must be next to you in moments like these?  These moments where your world has been flipped upside down in a matter of seconds.....

Well, we have those people, and they received phone calls between 3 and 4am on Sunday morning November 17th.  We would not in a million years walk into the hours that were to come without our parents and siblings.   I also knew I wanted Shelley by my side.  If you know Shelley, you know that you would want her by your side too in a moment like this.  :)   We called another friend and pastor, Tom, and his wife Sue.  Shelley, Tom, and Sue have been amazing mentors and friends to Dave and I.  They love us well .... like, all the time,  just like our family. We also reached out to our dear friends Kevin and Allison,  & Heidi and Ryan.  Kevin is the lead pastor of the church we are planting, and Heidi and Ryan - well, there just isn't anyone who comes close to those two for us.  They have known us the longest (as a couple) and have been through EVERYTHING with us.  We started calling in the troops.  Our army began to take form.

I don't recall much between the hours of 2:00 and 4:00 except I was sure that I wanted some help with the physical pain in order to endure the emotional.   I praise God for our angel, Vanessa, who we had hired a few weeks prior to be our doula.  She walked us through this nightmare every step of the way.  She had arrived at the hospital as the nurses were checking for Kate's heartbeat.  Vanessa has been through this before with other devastated mamas and she was literally our saving grace as we had to make one hard decision after another for the next 12 hours.  She kept us calm.  She gave us strength.  She even knew how to bring joy and celebration in the middle of it all.  The troops started arriving at 4:30 in the morning.  I will never forget seeing each of them walk in our room for the first time and exactly how I felt when our eyes met.  We shared so much sorrow and heartache with our parents and family.  Each of them touched in a unique way by their own loss and also the pain of watching their own child, or sister/brother endure this.  Our friends and pastors ..... their eyes and hearts filled with extravagant love, compassion and sorrow.   People were just dropping to their knees by my bedside in prayer.  Holding us.  Loving us.  Carrying us into the next moment.  Jesus was with each of us every step of the way.   Holding us.  Loving us.  Carrying us into the next moment.  We were all doing this together.  We were never alone.

More friends and family had arrived by early/mid morning to love on and care for us.  There was constant intercession .... by my bed, in the waiting area, in churches, and in homes of those we know and love.  We were all connected by the Spirit that morning.  We had entered together into the house of mourning.  The scriptures say in Ecclesiastes that it is better to enter a house of mourning than a house of feasting.  Doesn't make much sense does it?  Impossible to understand in that moment, but we had walked through the doors of a sacred space that promised blessing.   Unbeknownst to one another,  people's hearts were echoing the exact same lyrics to an old hymn that morning.   As our church community gathered, three people shared that "It Is Well With My Soul" had been in their minds and on their hearts.  That is the Spirit of God.  He was breathing life into us while life itself was threatening every fiber in my being.   I remember telling Shelley over and over, "this is not okay, but we are going to be okay".  It was well with my soul.

Hours passed as we prayed for my body to prepare for this baby to be born.  Dave had been introduced to an album two days before called "Without Words".  How fitting, huh?  How may times have people said to me since November 17th "there just are no words"..... and they are right ... there just aren't.   It is a beautiful compilation of all instrumental worship songs.  It filled the air of our room with peace - a gentle whisper of God's promises and comfort .  My heart's desire was not to have surgery.  We prayed and prayed and prayed.  We prayed for miracles, hope, comfort, peace and strength.  We prayed for surrender.  We prayed for the willingness and courage to walk into the next moment.  In one breath I wanted time to pass quickly because I wanted this to be over, and in the next I wanted time to just STOP.  Time passing meant my daughter was going to be born and I would have to face the reality that she wasn't breathing.  I couldn't wait to hold her and kiss her, but at the same time I dreaded the moment when we would realize that our nightmare wasn't really a nightmare at all - it was part of our waking life from this day forward.  There would be silence as we met our Kate - and like I've said before - that's just not the way it's supposed to be.

Dave was unbelievable all day.  Part of him just couldn't accept the fact that she was gone.  From the very beginning he had the doctors check multiple times for her heartbeat.... he just wouldn't take NO for an answer.  He continued to pray for a miracle all day long.  He was, in his Dave fashion, caring for those who came to care for us.  He was standing by me so strong in love and concern, while dealing with his own broken heart as well.  That's what daddy's do, and he's one amazing daddy and hubby.  

By early afternoon it was pretty obvious that I would be needing to have a c-section.  After making that decision I HAD to rest.  Dr. Arroyo was so loving and patient the entire day.  He allowed me to rest for an hour before surgery and by the grace of God I actually fell asleep for part of the time. While I slept, our friends and family waited, prayed, and never left our side.... whether physically or in spirit.  I just can't imagine not having "those" people.... our troops.    

It's hard for me to even share this story because it is SO full.  I know that much of it will never be captured with words.  It is SO full of life  ..... in the midst of death.  When death touches the untouched places in us it is scary and it hurts..... badly, but we begin to live more fully.  There is a part of us opened up to the mystery of Christ.  This day was proving itself to be sacred and holy and we hadn't even met our little warrior.   And a warrior she is.