Kate's birth story part three - Meeting our Warrior

 Kate's arrival was both devastating and beautiful.  We waited for months to hear her newborn cry, to feel her baby soft skin, to see who she would resemble in looks, to find out how much hair she had.  There is so much anticipatory joy those last few weeks.  The time had arrived, but it looked and sounded so different than we had expected.  Tears filled the room.....just from all the wrong people.  Shouts emerged from my husband as he finally was faced with reality. He had to accept that his little girl wouldn't feel the uncomfortable, cold reality outside of her mama's womb and scream for comfort.  Instead he would feel the cold reality of her silence and he himself would scream.   It was all so wrong.  I only heard,  and understood in my soul the pain Dave was experiencing in those moments.

After the nurses and Dave cleaned her up, I was finally able to lay eyes on my sweet sweet girl.  There is nothing like laying eyes on your child for the first time.  If you are a parent, you know the sweetness of that moment. And sweet it was.  Bitter sweet.  She was held perfectly in her daddy's arms snuggled up, looking so cozy.  She looked so peaceful as if she were just sleeping.  Oh, how I wish that were the case.  I couldn't hold her until the surgery was over so Dave just kept bringing her face to mine so I could feel her skin, and kiss and touch her.  I had so much to say.  I remember just laying there telling her all sorts of wonderful things.  Sharing my heart and my love for her.  My apologies.  My sadness.  My joy for her.  I knew the time to be with her physical body would be short so I just wanted to tell her so much while she was in our arms.

I had been insistent throughout the day that if I had to have a c-section, I wanted to be coherent and 
not nauseous.  I was incredibly sick for the first 24 hours after my older girl's deliveries.  I knew our hours with Kate Ryan would be short so I didn't want to spend them fighting nausea and drowsiness.  I wanted to be able to soak in every ounce of her goodness.  Our doula, Vanessa,  and the medical team worked together to be sure that would be the case and it was!!  So thankful!!

The three of us got some special alone time back in our room before Jadyn and Maci came up to the hospital.  We had time to hold her and hold each other ... to get to know all of Kate's little parts and cherish our physical time with her.   To play with her feet and check out her ears, to hold her hands and stroke her cheeks.  To admire all her beautiful black hair.... she was perfection.  God had created his perfection over the prior 9 months.  She was beautiful and pure.   Dave gave Kate her first bath.... and last.  All of those little things just sting.  Dressed once.  Diapered once (for fun for the girls), bathed once .... a lot of firsts and lasts in one day.

I have no sense of how time played out that day but sometime shortly after we returned to our room a photographer showed up from Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep.  This in a non profit organization who services families who will only be allowed a short time with their children.  These volunteer photographers are amazingly generous.  The photos we have received are THE tangible memories we have of Kate.  I look at them all the time, just to be close to her once more.   

Dave's sister, Annie, had been with the girls all day.  I thought my heart was going to rip out of my chest when I thought about having to tell the girls about Kate's short life.  Dave was somehow able to bring himself to do that, and brought them to our room to meet their sister.  These are the parenting moments you are never prepared for, but God, in all his mercy and grace, walked us into and through each one over the next few hours.  The girls eventually dressed and held their sister as they warmed up to her.  Their disappointment and sadness was crushing for me to see.  I had to trust in those moments that God would hold their hearts as he was holding mine.  I wanted to take the pain away from them so badly but I am not capable.  He is God and I am not.  This was His to handle.  My three girls surrendered to Him that day.

The rest of our family then joined us in welcoming our daughter.  Grandmas and Grandpas, aunts, uncles, and cousins, all shared in the joy and suffering that day brought.  It broke my heart to see my parents....double the heartache.... losing a grandchild and watching your child endure one of life's greatest hardships all in one swoop.  Our pastors and friends joined us as well and everyone took turns holding, admiring, and loving our girl.  Vanessa had the wonderful idea of singing happy birthday to Kate, and the girls loved that.  It brought some joy and smiles.  That room was filled with the majesty of God.  As we held Kate, we all knew that we were so very close to heaven.  Her broken shell was with us, but her soul was, and is, whole and complete with our Almighty God.  One person said to me, " I felt like I should have removed my shoes when I walked in that hospital room.  For we were on HOLY GROUND."   These were profound moments in time that will never be taken from my heart, mind and spirit.

Nana

Grammy

Papa

Aunt Audra and Uncle Jeff

LOVE

After everyone was allowed some time to hold Kate we decided to dedicate her.  We were thankful to have pastors in the room who would be prepared to do this unexpectedly.  I am so grateful that God put this on Dave and I's hearts.  Shelley joyfully agreed to anoint Kate and lead us in this dedication.   It was a special little window of worship as we dedicated our girl to the one who already had her in His arms.  It was a way for us to acknowledge our surrender of her into his loving arms and care for ALL of time, until we meet her again.  We worshiped our Lord and Savior as THE ONE who knew and ordained all of Kate's short life.  The one who was allowing this story of ours to be written.  It those moments, we agreed that He is good and capable of holding her and all of us left behind in longing.

Shelley dedicating our sweet girl

People slowly left, with Nana and the girls being last.  At one point, Jadyn remembered the Christmas present she had bought Kate with her own money and she just broke down in tears.  It was hitting her how this would change everything we had hoped for.  She could barely say goodbye to Kate.  She kept touching her and talking to her until she walked out of that hospital room.   We had a couple other visitors that evening who we wanted to be with, and knew would want to hold our Kate. Then it was time again for Dave and I to be alone with her and prepare for our goodbye.

We loved on, sang to, prayed for, and cherished our time with our little love bug.  For those of you who came to Kate's service, you heard Dave talk about one of the songs we love.  "How Great is Our God" is a song we sang to our older girls when they were babies and they still go to sleep to it every night.  Our family talked about rocking Kate and singing that over her.  So we did .... that night we sang that song over her and proclaimed the greatness of our God in the middle of what felt like a surreal nightmare.  

The care we received at the hospital was unbelievable.  From the nurses to doctors to social workers and everyone in between - they were prepared for what we were dealing with.  Each one showed amazing love and compassion.   They also thought of everything - a memory box for Kate that held the impressions they did of her feet, the ink footprints that they made for Jadyn and Maci, her locket of hair, a book, hospital bracelets, blankets .... all of these memories we now have to hold and remember Kate Ryan. 

One special gift we received from the hospital was a sweet blanket and hat that was hand knit and HOT PINK.  It was perfect for our girl.  Before she was born, there were two thoughts about her that kept recurring in my mind.   She was going to love hot pink and be a warrior for the Lord.  The stories we are hearing are proving that to be true.  My little warrior is being used by God to bring new freedom, new life and new hope to those here.  

Maci has a friend who has said, "Maci is thumbs up for Jesus!"  Well, we look at this picture below now and laugh ..... Maci says, "Kate is too!!"

thumbs up for Jesus :)