My dearest Kate,
Yesterday was your 6 month birthday. It was a beautiful day here, as you know. We were so blessed to spend time with some our dearest of friends celebrating their son Alex's graduation. The Lynch's love you like we love you sweet girl. They are our family, not born of of blood, but of the spirit of God. They stand with us always ..... suffering, rejoicing, forgiving, patient...... they believe for us when we can't. They encourage and remind ...... remind us of where our HOPE comes from, the Maker of heaven and earth. Your maker. My maker. I stood at their house yesterday sharing stories with two other women who lost babies in similar ways to the way we lost you. I am sure you are running and playing with Brayden and Ellie. Their mommy hearts hurt like mine, even after 18 years for one of them. Tears rolled down her face as we talked about you both. A mother's love runs deep. Often too deep for words; only tears can communicate this love.
I am thankful, my love, for every tear shed for you. I would cry a million more tomorrow just to be close to you. It is a way to remember you and to hold you close to my heart. .... the depths of us reaching one another.
I have peace today; and for that I am thankful to our Lord who gives these sweet gifts. His peace passes all understanding. My mind cannot make sense of the suffering we are enduring. I will make myself crazy trying to figure out why and how and what's next in all of our broken circumstances here. So I trust. Over and over and over, I must choose to trust; and remember His faithfulness and how he has gone before us so many times in the last few months. He continues to anchor my soul when I so desperately just want you to be here and all things to be "right".
Missing you Kate. Today and for every day, missing you.
Love,
Mommy
Sunday, May 18, 2014
Tuesday, May 13, 2014
Mother's Day
Thanksgiving 11 days after Kate's "day" (yes, "day", because sometimes I still don't know what to call it honestly. birthday? day she came to be with us? day she left us? still-birthday? Her time with us being contained in less than 24 hours makes it a little confusing to name)
Anyway, Thanksgiving ........ overwhelming.
Christmas 5 weeks later ........... surprisingly okay (probably due to the gift of denial).
New years eve ....... SUCKED. I had no desire to welcome 2014 if this was our new year and our new reality.
Easter ......... hard and humbling
Mothers Day ........... agonizingly painful, yet gloriously redeemed
I have two living daughters so I did not expect Mother's Day to be a soul crushing blow. Hard, yes, but agonizingly painful, NO. The tides came rushing in again on Saturday. I sent out a couple SOS's that day letting some of my people know that I was afraid I was being sent out to sea and wasn't sure my head would stay above water. The grief pounded me so unexpectedly and I just got swallowed up. The thought of having Mother's Day without one of my children here was almost too much to bear. The thoughts and memories of Kate Ryan just flooded in. I lost my almost 6 month old daughter on Saturday. It felt that real and new. The hurt was fresh and, as much as I didn't want it to be, I also wanted it to be .... because I felt near to her again. The deep pain of the loss reminds me of the depth of my mother's love for her. My heart breaking is the only way to feel the intensity of our relationship and love for one another. I don't enjoy the sweet kisses and hugs. I don't get to gaze upon her sleeping. I am not afforded the joy of giggling with Kate or wiping her tears, so this is actually a gift to me.... to feel this deeply again, even though it is hard as hell. It comes from the innermost place in me. It's not really an emotional place. It's gut wrenching and it just makes me ache, this LOVE.
So, I made it through Saturday. I asked my mother in law to host Sunday, and without hesitation she and my mom relieved me from that which felt like a bit too much cooking and cleaning. :) I was swept away with a friend for a couple of hours with a cherry limeade in hand. We sat on a blanket outside the Kauffman Gardens and enjoyed the fresh breeze and warm air. Her heart grieving with mine, and her just letting me BE (as she reminded me how we ALL wanted this to be different) was comforting. This friend's presence just heals and I am beyond grateful that I am graced by it in my life. She knows the mysterious ways of the spiritual life and knows that it's not her. So being with her, you are often brought right into the love of the Father. I calmed a bit, and was able to come home to my family and be with them for a while and then get into bed VERY early. :) My time with Shelley, some tears with my own mommy, some special texts ........ they gave me hope that I could come face to face with my 1st Mother's Day without Kate and survive.
I was opening my gifts on Sunday morning with frozen veggies on my face to reduce the swelling from the day before. The girls were laughing because it was actually a bag of tater tots! After a little laughter and some endearing gifts from my precious girls the haze began to lift. Dave and I cried together a little that morning and headed to church. It was beautiful and I was surrounded by some of those who I love the most and ALWAYS take great care of me when I am hurting. I was absolutely never far from the minds and hearts of those most special to me. I received so many messages of love and encouragement that day. It thrills me to be reminded that others have not forgotten her and they miss her too. God allowed some people to bear a pretty heavy burden that day (especially Kate's grandparents), and I believe the weight of my burden was being shared. How beautiful of them to welcome the ache in order that we may all love her together as we miss her.
It was a beautiful day with our family..... parents, siblings, neices and nephews too. And I was given one more most precious gift on Sunday (besides having the day with Jadyn and Maci).
This painting ........
I will share more about it another time, but my friend Lindsey dropped this off for us, painted by her friend Christy. This was just the love and assurance I needed from Jesus on Sunday. It allowed me to rest fully. I took a deep breath and I rejoiced. I saw my 6 month old Kate. She is free. She is in the arms of the one who loves her perfectly.
If you can't be with your mommy on Mother's Day, Kate Ryan, you run as fast as you can into the arms of Jesus. You dance, run, swing, and play in the warm sunshine, and you giggle your little heart out precious girl. I LOVE you. I love you. I love you.... with all of my heart, I love YOU.
Anyway, Thanksgiving ........ overwhelming.
Christmas 5 weeks later ........... surprisingly okay (probably due to the gift of denial).
New years eve ....... SUCKED. I had no desire to welcome 2014 if this was our new year and our new reality.
Easter ......... hard and humbling
Mothers Day ........... agonizingly painful, yet gloriously redeemed
I have two living daughters so I did not expect Mother's Day to be a soul crushing blow. Hard, yes, but agonizingly painful, NO. The tides came rushing in again on Saturday. I sent out a couple SOS's that day letting some of my people know that I was afraid I was being sent out to sea and wasn't sure my head would stay above water. The grief pounded me so unexpectedly and I just got swallowed up. The thought of having Mother's Day without one of my children here was almost too much to bear. The thoughts and memories of Kate Ryan just flooded in. I lost my almost 6 month old daughter on Saturday. It felt that real and new. The hurt was fresh and, as much as I didn't want it to be, I also wanted it to be .... because I felt near to her again. The deep pain of the loss reminds me of the depth of my mother's love for her. My heart breaking is the only way to feel the intensity of our relationship and love for one another. I don't enjoy the sweet kisses and hugs. I don't get to gaze upon her sleeping. I am not afforded the joy of giggling with Kate or wiping her tears, so this is actually a gift to me.... to feel this deeply again, even though it is hard as hell. It comes from the innermost place in me. It's not really an emotional place. It's gut wrenching and it just makes me ache, this LOVE.
So, I made it through Saturday. I asked my mother in law to host Sunday, and without hesitation she and my mom relieved me from that which felt like a bit too much cooking and cleaning. :) I was swept away with a friend for a couple of hours with a cherry limeade in hand. We sat on a blanket outside the Kauffman Gardens and enjoyed the fresh breeze and warm air. Her heart grieving with mine, and her just letting me BE (as she reminded me how we ALL wanted this to be different) was comforting. This friend's presence just heals and I am beyond grateful that I am graced by it in my life. She knows the mysterious ways of the spiritual life and knows that it's not her. So being with her, you are often brought right into the love of the Father. I calmed a bit, and was able to come home to my family and be with them for a while and then get into bed VERY early. :) My time with Shelley, some tears with my own mommy, some special texts ........ they gave me hope that I could come face to face with my 1st Mother's Day without Kate and survive.
I was opening my gifts on Sunday morning with frozen veggies on my face to reduce the swelling from the day before. The girls were laughing because it was actually a bag of tater tots! After a little laughter and some endearing gifts from my precious girls the haze began to lift. Dave and I cried together a little that morning and headed to church. It was beautiful and I was surrounded by some of those who I love the most and ALWAYS take great care of me when I am hurting. I was absolutely never far from the minds and hearts of those most special to me. I received so many messages of love and encouragement that day. It thrills me to be reminded that others have not forgotten her and they miss her too. God allowed some people to bear a pretty heavy burden that day (especially Kate's grandparents), and I believe the weight of my burden was being shared. How beautiful of them to welcome the ache in order that we may all love her together as we miss her.
It was a beautiful day with our family..... parents, siblings, neices and nephews too. And I was given one more most precious gift on Sunday (besides having the day with Jadyn and Maci).
This painting ........
I will share more about it another time, but my friend Lindsey dropped this off for us, painted by her friend Christy. This was just the love and assurance I needed from Jesus on Sunday. It allowed me to rest fully. I took a deep breath and I rejoiced. I saw my 6 month old Kate. She is free. She is in the arms of the one who loves her perfectly.
If you can't be with your mommy on Mother's Day, Kate Ryan, you run as fast as you can into the arms of Jesus. You dance, run, swing, and play in the warm sunshine, and you giggle your little heart out precious girl. I LOVE you. I love you. I love you.... with all of my heart, I love YOU.
Wednesday, May 7, 2014
HELD
The last six months have undoubtedly been THE hardest in my life. If anyone would have told me one year ago that I was about to face this fire I am walking through, I would have said "no way in hell could I withstand that heat and survive". At least not survive and maintain sanity! :)
The only way to describe this space in time adequately is to say, "things just aren't the way they are supposed to be. They are just WRONG". There are constant reminders of the wrongness and they seem to be blaring again. I don't really know what it is.....what it is that is causing the waves to once again rise so high and aggressively, except that ..... things just aren't right. Kate would not really be an infant now, but a baby. A baby that sits up in that swing that hangs from our tree in the backyard. A baby that smiles the most ridiculous grins at everybody she sees. A baby that is propped up on her mama's hip, carried so proudly. A baby that is learning to interact with her sisters. A baby that is learning how to eat and sprays food on whomever happens to be in her way. A baby who giggles and blows raspberries, and warms her mama's heart just by being near in the back seat of the car. A baby who fills the precious clothes in her drawer with LIFE. ugh. wrong. so so wrong. An empty swing and empty arms. No smiles, spit, or giggles. Clothes that haven't moved in nearly 6 months. No nearness. Instead far far away her little soul went.
I have said this before but I am knowing it to be more and more true. This pain just doesn't lessen. A parent who is without their child whom they were meant to share life with ..... these people, WE, are experiencing the Fall in one of the most crushing ways. So how do we survive? I believe this is answered in one simple word......HELD.
That one word and the weight of it has been my life line. It feels indescribable and I think that's true of things that happen by God's supernatural power. In the darkest days, I have felt safe. I have felt comforted and covered. Protected. In my most weary days of life as a human on this earth, I have felt strengthened. Friends, this is not of me or anything any human musters up. This is upside down. This is Jesus. This is my heavenly Father. This is being HELD.
I find it interesting that this is the word that I am experiencing deeply right now. Not feeling, but experiencing deeply .... in my "knower". For what else does a mama long for more than to HOLD her children close. To have them. Okay.........to have her. Keep her. Put my arms around her, carry her, support her, and grip her with my love.
Thank you Jesus for gripping me with your mighty and powerful love. For holding ME on this sacred and holy ground on which I am walking. May I just remain in the pain and remain in you, Jesus, so the healing may come. This is where it happens ..... in the trenches. Do not let me climb out on my own. Just carry me out. Rescue me as you do. over and over and over .......
The only way to describe this space in time adequately is to say, "things just aren't the way they are supposed to be. They are just WRONG". There are constant reminders of the wrongness and they seem to be blaring again. I don't really know what it is.....what it is that is causing the waves to once again rise so high and aggressively, except that ..... things just aren't right. Kate would not really be an infant now, but a baby. A baby that sits up in that swing that hangs from our tree in the backyard. A baby that smiles the most ridiculous grins at everybody she sees. A baby that is propped up on her mama's hip, carried so proudly. A baby that is learning to interact with her sisters. A baby that is learning how to eat and sprays food on whomever happens to be in her way. A baby who giggles and blows raspberries, and warms her mama's heart just by being near in the back seat of the car. A baby who fills the precious clothes in her drawer with LIFE. ugh. wrong. so so wrong. An empty swing and empty arms. No smiles, spit, or giggles. Clothes that haven't moved in nearly 6 months. No nearness. Instead far far away her little soul went.That one word and the weight of it has been my life line. It feels indescribable and I think that's true of things that happen by God's supernatural power. In the darkest days, I have felt safe. I have felt comforted and covered. Protected. In my most weary days of life as a human on this earth, I have felt strengthened. Friends, this is not of me or anything any human musters up. This is upside down. This is Jesus. This is my heavenly Father. This is being HELD.
I looked up HOLD in the dictionary and some words caught my attention.........
To have or keep someone (or something) in your arms. Thank you for having and keeping me, Lord, when I couldn't keep my daughter from going WAY too soon.
To put arms around, to carry or support. Thank you for putting your arms around me and carrying me when my own arms (and hips) ache with weightlessness.
To grip of grasp. Thank you Jesus, for having a firm grip on me when my heart longs for the grasp of her little fingers.
To have or keep someone (or something) in your arms. Thank you for having and keeping me, Lord, when I couldn't keep my daughter from going WAY too soon.
To put arms around, to carry or support. Thank you for putting your arms around me and carrying me when my own arms (and hips) ache with weightlessness.
To grip of grasp. Thank you Jesus, for having a firm grip on me when my heart longs for the grasp of her little fingers.
I find it interesting that this is the word that I am experiencing deeply right now. Not feeling, but experiencing deeply .... in my "knower". For what else does a mama long for more than to HOLD her children close. To have them. Okay.........to have her. Keep her. Put my arms around her, carry her, support her, and grip her with my love.
Thank you Jesus for gripping me with your mighty and powerful love. For holding ME on this sacred and holy ground on which I am walking. May I just remain in the pain and remain in you, Jesus, so the healing may come. This is where it happens ..... in the trenches. Do not let me climb out on my own. Just carry me out. Rescue me as you do. over and over and over .......
Many of you have heard this song, as I have many many times. Sometimes songs lose their weight after hearing them over and over. I hadn't even listened to this song since Kate left us. It's not on my "Kate playlist". Maybe I didn't put it on because I knew what may happen. On Monday I sat and listened to it and ..... oh. my. heart. No weight missing. This song captures so well what I have been trying to say in my words. Click here to enjoy Natalie Grant's HELD.
Thursday, April 24, 2014
It's. Just. Saturday.
This past Saturday ...... the Saturday that fell between Good Friday and Easter, we received a really sweet gift. It was a meeting, and I would say it was a divine meeting.
We were at Roe Park for Maci's soccer game, and I saw Dave talking to a man. This was the third man Dave had talked to since we arrived 5 minutes prior. (if you know Dave, you know this is very normal ..... for him to know everyone everywhere we go!) But this third person I didn't know (which actually doesn't surprise me either, as it's very normal for my husband to talk to people he doesn't know too). :) By the way, I LOVE this about him. Anyway, I walked over and Dave introduced me to Joe White. I had heard his name before, as the founder of Kanakuk Camps, so I realized quickly this was THAT Joe White. Dave had been talking with him for a few minutes, and had already told him about Kate. Joe had sunglasses on, so I could not even see his eyes, but the compassion that was pouring out of this man was tangible. I could just feel it as he asked me the question, "how are you doing darling, with the death of your baby daughter"? He continued to ask us questions and share stories. He grabbed my head at one point and just rubbed it saying, "you are a courageous princess, you are". Yes, you can imagine that I was barely holding it together in the middle of the soccer field where the girls were warming up. He grabbed Dave and I shortly after, and prayed a beautiful prayer over us. He walked away, then turned around to remind me of my courage and to say, "I love you". My. Heart.
I believe meeting him was a God thing for many reasons, but there was one particular idea he shared that I cannot let go of. He gave this analogy between the season we are in and Easter weekend. He shared about his leukemia diagnosis and how during that time in his life ..... it was FRIDAY. As in, Good Friday. As in suffering and not understanding; maybe even feeling forsaken. And after Friday, then came ....... SATURDAY. And it was just Saturday for a while. For a long while it was Saturday. Not Friday anymore, but not yet Sunday. Joe says he has his Sunday now. You could see it in him. His Sunday has come.
BUT. WE. DON'T. We don't have our Sunday yet. In many areas of our life we are caught in this in between. We are not experiencing Friday ..... threatening us to despair, or to crumble in agony and fear, but we are also not able to see Sunday yet. To see clearly His holy purposes in the suffering that we are enduring. So we sit. In Saturday, we wait. We trust. We hurt. We ask. We seek. We receive - just enough for today. On Saturday, we HOPE. We hope that much is happening even when we can't see it. We hope in the unseen realities that are coming our way. The goodness and life......the resurrection. We don't know the path, or any more twists and turns ahead, but we believe Sunday is on it's way. Because the perfectly righteous Jesus suffered an agonizing Friday out of his love for us and was resurrected, we too know our Sunday is coming. When our life is in His and His in ours, we have this astounding promise to hold on to. As much as it hurts, I understand in a new way that suffering and dying to myself IS the pathway to life. I know that sharing in the sufferings of Christ is actually a privilege, not a curse. I know Him more and love him more every day. It still stinks to be in the valley of the shadow of death and in the wilderness of Saturday, but I AM NOT ALONE. My Jesus suffered this and so much more. He was even forsaken. I am not. God will never leave me or forsake me. He will not fail me on Saturday; instead He will preserve me and continue to establish me in his righteousness. He shares in these sufferings and weeps with me. And because of that truth, I also know that I will share in His glory. Thank you Jesus!
So for now, we hang on with every ounce in us, to stay here, in Saturday. And as we do, we also eagerly await and HOPE for our Sunday. And we thank God for the sweet gifts He is giving us in the meantime, like our time with Joe on Saturday. Not forgotten .... even on Saturday we are not forgotten.
"The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged." - Deuteronomy 31:6
"Now if we are children, then we are heirs - heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory." - romans 8:17
"And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you." - 1 Peter 5:10
We were at Roe Park for Maci's soccer game, and I saw Dave talking to a man. This was the third man Dave had talked to since we arrived 5 minutes prior. (if you know Dave, you know this is very normal ..... for him to know everyone everywhere we go!) But this third person I didn't know (which actually doesn't surprise me either, as it's very normal for my husband to talk to people he doesn't know too). :) By the way, I LOVE this about him. Anyway, I walked over and Dave introduced me to Joe White. I had heard his name before, as the founder of Kanakuk Camps, so I realized quickly this was THAT Joe White. Dave had been talking with him for a few minutes, and had already told him about Kate. Joe had sunglasses on, so I could not even see his eyes, but the compassion that was pouring out of this man was tangible. I could just feel it as he asked me the question, "how are you doing darling, with the death of your baby daughter"? He continued to ask us questions and share stories. He grabbed my head at one point and just rubbed it saying, "you are a courageous princess, you are". Yes, you can imagine that I was barely holding it together in the middle of the soccer field where the girls were warming up. He grabbed Dave and I shortly after, and prayed a beautiful prayer over us. He walked away, then turned around to remind me of my courage and to say, "I love you". My. Heart.
I believe meeting him was a God thing for many reasons, but there was one particular idea he shared that I cannot let go of. He gave this analogy between the season we are in and Easter weekend. He shared about his leukemia diagnosis and how during that time in his life ..... it was FRIDAY. As in, Good Friday. As in suffering and not understanding; maybe even feeling forsaken. And after Friday, then came ....... SATURDAY. And it was just Saturday for a while. For a long while it was Saturday. Not Friday anymore, but not yet Sunday. Joe says he has his Sunday now. You could see it in him. His Sunday has come.
BUT. WE. DON'T. We don't have our Sunday yet. In many areas of our life we are caught in this in between. We are not experiencing Friday ..... threatening us to despair, or to crumble in agony and fear, but we are also not able to see Sunday yet. To see clearly His holy purposes in the suffering that we are enduring. So we sit. In Saturday, we wait. We trust. We hurt. We ask. We seek. We receive - just enough for today. On Saturday, we HOPE. We hope that much is happening even when we can't see it. We hope in the unseen realities that are coming our way. The goodness and life......the resurrection. We don't know the path, or any more twists and turns ahead, but we believe Sunday is on it's way. Because the perfectly righteous Jesus suffered an agonizing Friday out of his love for us and was resurrected, we too know our Sunday is coming. When our life is in His and His in ours, we have this astounding promise to hold on to. As much as it hurts, I understand in a new way that suffering and dying to myself IS the pathway to life. I know that sharing in the sufferings of Christ is actually a privilege, not a curse. I know Him more and love him more every day. It still stinks to be in the valley of the shadow of death and in the wilderness of Saturday, but I AM NOT ALONE. My Jesus suffered this and so much more. He was even forsaken. I am not. God will never leave me or forsake me. He will not fail me on Saturday; instead He will preserve me and continue to establish me in his righteousness. He shares in these sufferings and weeps with me. And because of that truth, I also know that I will share in His glory. Thank you Jesus!
So for now, we hang on with every ounce in us, to stay here, in Saturday. And as we do, we also eagerly await and HOPE for our Sunday. And we thank God for the sweet gifts He is giving us in the meantime, like our time with Joe on Saturday. Not forgotten .... even on Saturday we are not forgotten.
"The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged." - Deuteronomy 31:6
"Now if we are children, then we are heirs - heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory." - romans 8:17
"And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you." - 1 Peter 5:10
Thursday, April 17, 2014
Five months - a letter to my girl
My dear Kate,
There is nothing new under the sun. It's another day and another month with you far far away. I am just learning to live with the pain, my love, but the pain doesn't really lessen. Don't think it EVER will.
Last night I laid in bed reading the story of another mama's loss of her precious daughter. I cried with her and for her in a way I wish I couldn't. I wish I didn't know what it is like to only have hours with your child, breathing or not. I wish I didn't know the horror and shock that takes over when you hear your child isn't alive or won't survive. I wish I didn't know about aching arms, and panic attacks, and crying so hard you are afraid you won't be able to stop. I wish I didn't know about the guilt that hovers, or the anger that threatens to steal your HOPE. I wish I didn't know about the fear of moving on .... knowing it will take a lot of courage to have another baby and a lot of courage to not have another baby. Either way, it's another battle ahead, and it's scary. I wish I didn't know about this tension, this sacred dance, of learning to let go/ move on and holding on/ remembering. BUT.... I DO KNOW. I know all too well about this new life...... I live amongst the mommies who have lost their beautiful babies to the cruelty of death. I share something with them that I won't share with anyone else, EVER.
I miss you. And as much as I hate being a part of this crazy cruel "club", this "community" called baby loss; I am STILL so thankful for you, and every moment we shared baby girl. The moments that I was gifted to experience you in my tummy ..... moving, ALIVE and well. For the moments we had with your body ....... to feel you, and see you, and soak in all your glorious beauty. For the celebration service to honor your life with all of those we love. For the sheer fact that you made me a mommy of three.
There are a couple of "memories" right now that I cannot stop thinking about. Two things that I wanted to share with you so badly. Two hopes that were captured in my mind and heart but were never my reality ......
I just wanted to feel your little fingers curl around mine ONE time. It is the most natural thing for a mommy and her child, yet we were robbed of it. I also just wanted to see you open your eyes ONE time. To look into them and to see you though and through. Not even a word need be spoken, just to stare into your sweet eyes ONE time. OH, it hurts. Thank you, Jesus, that when she opened her eyes for the very FIRST time, she saw your face. She met your eyes, and you saw her through and through. The sweetness of that moment... ahhhh. She held onto your finger, Jesus. There is no greater comfort I could ask for you Kate. I am so happy to know you are with your perfect Father, and that your daddy and I will have our time with you....... we wait eagerly to be satisfied of our fleshly desires. And for now we will be satisfied by the same one who comforts you, in all His goodness and faithfulness and love.
Last night I read the most beautiful truth about this journey ...... it goes something like this: "I will not allow God's goodness to be absorbed in my pain. I will instead allow my pain to be absorbed in God's goodness."
I know He is good. HE formed you and gave you life. How wondrous are His works. Unfortunately, darkness has it's place here in this world too. We all have been touched by sin and darkness and now personally, by death. Those things are not of my God, though, or of my Lord and Savior. He is light and love. He is life. Even the darkness is as light to Him. Even death cannot win. In fact, He has conquered it, and what a joy it will be to celebrate that this weekend. The resurrection of Jesus. DEATH HAS LOST ITS STING. He is ALIVE. And you are ALIVE and well my dear Kate. I praise Him, who is worthy of all my heart and all my love and all my life. I praise Him sweet girl. The one who holds you tight. Easter will just be different this year, it just will.
I love you to the moon and back,
Mommy
There is nothing new under the sun. It's another day and another month with you far far away. I am just learning to live with the pain, my love, but the pain doesn't really lessen. Don't think it EVER will.
Last night I laid in bed reading the story of another mama's loss of her precious daughter. I cried with her and for her in a way I wish I couldn't. I wish I didn't know what it is like to only have hours with your child, breathing or not. I wish I didn't know the horror and shock that takes over when you hear your child isn't alive or won't survive. I wish I didn't know about aching arms, and panic attacks, and crying so hard you are afraid you won't be able to stop. I wish I didn't know about the guilt that hovers, or the anger that threatens to steal your HOPE. I wish I didn't know about the fear of moving on .... knowing it will take a lot of courage to have another baby and a lot of courage to not have another baby. Either way, it's another battle ahead, and it's scary. I wish I didn't know about this tension, this sacred dance, of learning to let go/ move on and holding on/ remembering. BUT.... I DO KNOW. I know all too well about this new life...... I live amongst the mommies who have lost their beautiful babies to the cruelty of death. I share something with them that I won't share with anyone else, EVER.
I miss you. And as much as I hate being a part of this crazy cruel "club", this "community" called baby loss; I am STILL so thankful for you, and every moment we shared baby girl. The moments that I was gifted to experience you in my tummy ..... moving, ALIVE and well. For the moments we had with your body ....... to feel you, and see you, and soak in all your glorious beauty. For the celebration service to honor your life with all of those we love. For the sheer fact that you made me a mommy of three.
There are a couple of "memories" right now that I cannot stop thinking about. Two things that I wanted to share with you so badly. Two hopes that were captured in my mind and heart but were never my reality ......
I just wanted to feel your little fingers curl around mine ONE time. It is the most natural thing for a mommy and her child, yet we were robbed of it. I also just wanted to see you open your eyes ONE time. To look into them and to see you though and through. Not even a word need be spoken, just to stare into your sweet eyes ONE time. OH, it hurts. Thank you, Jesus, that when she opened her eyes for the very FIRST time, she saw your face. She met your eyes, and you saw her through and through. The sweetness of that moment... ahhhh. She held onto your finger, Jesus. There is no greater comfort I could ask for you Kate. I am so happy to know you are with your perfect Father, and that your daddy and I will have our time with you....... we wait eagerly to be satisfied of our fleshly desires. And for now we will be satisfied by the same one who comforts you, in all His goodness and faithfulness and love.Last night I read the most beautiful truth about this journey ...... it goes something like this: "I will not allow God's goodness to be absorbed in my pain. I will instead allow my pain to be absorbed in God's goodness."
I know He is good. HE formed you and gave you life. How wondrous are His works. Unfortunately, darkness has it's place here in this world too. We all have been touched by sin and darkness and now personally, by death. Those things are not of my God, though, or of my Lord and Savior. He is light and love. He is life. Even the darkness is as light to Him. Even death cannot win. In fact, He has conquered it, and what a joy it will be to celebrate that this weekend. The resurrection of Jesus. DEATH HAS LOST ITS STING. He is ALIVE. And you are ALIVE and well my dear Kate. I praise Him, who is worthy of all my heart and all my love and all my life. I praise Him sweet girl. The one who holds you tight. Easter will just be different this year, it just will. I love you to the moon and back,
Mommy
Friday, April 11, 2014
A sweet little reminder
It reminds me today that my Kate is at REST, in perfect peace and enjoying the glory we all long for. It is also a timely affirmation that we are to REST, and to receive His perfect gifts of rest. In his presence. At His feet. Eyes on HIM.
"You will keep in perfect peace, him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you." - Isaiah 26:3
"In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength...." - Isaiah 30:15
Monday, April 7, 2014
REST
Our family has declared for ourselves a season of REST. I never knew how hard it would be ..... first to come to the conclusion that "this is what God has for us right now", and then to actually live into this radical word - rest.
We are just really bad at it. As individuals, as couples and families, as organizations, as communities .... our culture is always screaming, "GO ...... Be someone, Do Something! QUICK!" We hear those messages and believe they will deliver life.
We scramble and perform and produce at rapid rates. We are approved of and successful...... until we're not ....... and then who are we??? Who are we when we are worn out? weary? have failed? suffered loss? gone through a divorce? confused? lost purpose? Who are we when we have come to these places and we must lay down and REST?
Why is it so hard for us to believe that we are still worthy and good and loved when we are not producing? Not surrounded by friends? Not in the middle of it all? I am asking these questions because these are the things on my heart and mind if I am honest. I wonder how, if I am doing nothing can I still be something? Be someone? You see, I am finding that rest is THE deepest trust place. Take everything you've based your identity on and stop doing it. Who's left? Who are you and whose are you?
As I enter this season, I feel disoriented. And to be honest I don't like that at all. I prefer to feel like my little world is managed and controlled. My friend Shelley reminded me that this season is about reorientation. As I let the dust settle and begin to let the fears fade, I find myself excited about what God is going to reveal in the REST. What life he will bring as He reorients me to Himself as His child and then speaks to my deepest heart about my calling.
But for now we will REST. Our friend Tom said, "your regular rhythms and routines can't contain what God has for you"...... so we are stopping, even a lot of good things we are stopping. We will RETREAT. We will allow God to REORIENT us as we seek his face, receive his love, and trust deeply that he has us here, once again. Here. We. Go. To be with Jesus. I hear him saying "come to me" .... without the distractions. Even good things can be distracting us from the BEST thing. I know Jesus is the BEST thing and the way.
"Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me - watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly."
- Matthew 11:28 MSG
We are just really bad at it. As individuals, as couples and families, as organizations, as communities .... our culture is always screaming, "GO ...... Be someone, Do Something! QUICK!" We hear those messages and believe they will deliver life.
We scramble and perform and produce at rapid rates. We are approved of and successful...... until we're not ....... and then who are we??? Who are we when we are worn out? weary? have failed? suffered loss? gone through a divorce? confused? lost purpose? Who are we when we have come to these places and we must lay down and REST?
Why is it so hard for us to believe that we are still worthy and good and loved when we are not producing? Not surrounded by friends? Not in the middle of it all? I am asking these questions because these are the things on my heart and mind if I am honest. I wonder how, if I am doing nothing can I still be something? Be someone? You see, I am finding that rest is THE deepest trust place. Take everything you've based your identity on and stop doing it. Who's left? Who are you and whose are you?
As I enter this season, I feel disoriented. And to be honest I don't like that at all. I prefer to feel like my little world is managed and controlled. My friend Shelley reminded me that this season is about reorientation. As I let the dust settle and begin to let the fears fade, I find myself excited about what God is going to reveal in the REST. What life he will bring as He reorients me to Himself as His child and then speaks to my deepest heart about my calling.
But for now we will REST. Our friend Tom said, "your regular rhythms and routines can't contain what God has for you"...... so we are stopping, even a lot of good things we are stopping. We will RETREAT. We will allow God to REORIENT us as we seek his face, receive his love, and trust deeply that he has us here, once again. Here. We. Go. To be with Jesus. I hear him saying "come to me" .... without the distractions. Even good things can be distracting us from the BEST thing. I know Jesus is the BEST thing and the way.
"Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me - watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly."
- Matthew 11:28 MSG
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