There is nothing new under the sun. It's another day and another month with you far far away. I am just learning to live with the pain, my love, but the pain doesn't really lessen. Don't think it EVER will.
Last night I laid in bed reading the story of another mama's loss of her precious daughter. I cried with her and for her in a way I wish I couldn't. I wish I didn't know what it is like to only have hours with your child, breathing or not. I wish I didn't know the horror and shock that takes over when you hear your child isn't alive or won't survive. I wish I didn't know about aching arms, and panic attacks, and crying so hard you are afraid you won't be able to stop. I wish I didn't know about the guilt that hovers, or the anger that threatens to steal your HOPE. I wish I didn't know about the fear of moving on .... knowing it will take a lot of courage to have another baby and a lot of courage to not have another baby. Either way, it's another battle ahead, and it's scary. I wish I didn't know about this tension, this sacred dance, of learning to let go/ move on and holding on/ remembering. BUT.... I DO KNOW. I know all too well about this new life...... I live amongst the mommies who have lost their beautiful babies to the cruelty of death. I share something with them that I won't share with anyone else, EVER.
I miss you. And as much as I hate being a part of this crazy cruel "club", this "community" called baby loss; I am STILL so thankful for you, and every moment we shared baby girl. The moments that I was gifted to experience you in my tummy ..... moving, ALIVE and well. For the moments we had with your body ....... to feel you, and see you, and soak in all your glorious beauty. For the celebration service to honor your life with all of those we love. For the sheer fact that you made me a mommy of three.
There are a couple of "memories" right now that I cannot stop thinking about. Two things that I wanted to share with you so badly. Two hopes that were captured in my mind and heart but were never my reality ......
I just wanted to feel your little fingers curl around mine ONE time. It is the most natural thing for a mommy and her child, yet we were robbed of it. I also just wanted to see you open your eyes ONE time. To look into them and to see you though and through. Not even a word need be spoken, just to stare into your sweet eyes ONE time. OH, it hurts. Thank you, Jesus, that when she opened her eyes for the very FIRST time, she saw your face. She met your eyes, and you saw her through and through. The sweetness of that moment... ahhhh. She held onto your finger, Jesus. There is no greater comfort I could ask for you Kate. I am so happy to know you are with your perfect Father, and that your daddy and I will have our time with you....... we wait eagerly to be satisfied of our fleshly desires. And for now we will be satisfied by the same one who comforts you, in all His goodness and faithfulness and love.Last night I read the most beautiful truth about this journey ...... it goes something like this: "I will not allow God's goodness to be absorbed in my pain. I will instead allow my pain to be absorbed in God's goodness."
I know He is good. HE formed you and gave you life. How wondrous are His works. Unfortunately, darkness has it's place here in this world too. We all have been touched by sin and darkness and now personally, by death. Those things are not of my God, though, or of my Lord and Savior. He is light and love. He is life. Even the darkness is as light to Him. Even death cannot win. In fact, He has conquered it, and what a joy it will be to celebrate that this weekend. The resurrection of Jesus. DEATH HAS LOST ITS STING. He is ALIVE. And you are ALIVE and well my dear Kate. I praise Him, who is worthy of all my heart and all my love and all my life. I praise Him sweet girl. The one who holds you tight. Easter will just be different this year, it just will. I love you to the moon and back,
Mommy
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