Mother's Day

Thanksgiving 11 days after Kate's "day" (yes, "day", because sometimes I still don't know what to call it honestly.  birthday? day she came to be with us?  day she left us? still-birthday?   Her time with us being contained in less than 24 hours makes it a little confusing to name) 
Anyway,  Thanksgiving ........  overwhelming.

Christmas 5 weeks later ........... surprisingly okay (probably due to the gift of denial).

New years eve ....... SUCKED.  I had no desire to welcome 2014 if this was our new year and our new reality.

Easter ......... hard and humbling

Mothers Day ........... agonizingly painful, yet gloriously redeemed 

I have two living daughters so I did not expect Mother's Day to be a soul crushing blow.  Hard, yes, but agonizingly painful, NO.  The tides came rushing in again on Saturday.  I sent out a couple SOS's that day letting some of my people know that I was afraid I was being sent out to sea and wasn't sure my head would stay above water.   The grief pounded me so unexpectedly and I just got swallowed up.   The thought of having Mother's Day without one of my children here was almost too much to bear.  The thoughts and memories of Kate Ryan just flooded in.  I lost my almost 6 month old daughter on Saturday.  It felt that real and new.  The hurt was fresh and, as much as I didn't want it to be, I also wanted it to be .... because I felt near to her again.  The deep pain of the loss reminds me of the depth of my mother's love for her.  My heart breaking is the only way to feel the intensity of our relationship and love for one another.  I don't enjoy the sweet kisses and hugs.  I don't get to gaze upon her sleeping.   I am not afforded the joy of giggling with Kate or wiping her tears, so this is actually a gift to me.... to feel this deeply again, even though it is hard as hell.   It comes from the innermost place in me.  It's not really an emotional place.  It's gut wrenching and it just makes me ache, this LOVE. 

So, I made it through Saturday.  I asked my mother in law to host Sunday, and without hesitation she and my mom relieved me from that which felt like a bit too much cooking and cleaning. :)  I was swept away with a friend for a couple of hours with a cherry limeade in hand.  We sat on a blanket outside the Kauffman Gardens and enjoyed the fresh breeze and warm air.  Her  heart grieving with mine, and her just letting me BE (as she reminded me how we ALL wanted this to be different) was comforting.  This friend's presence just heals and I am beyond grateful that I am graced by it in my life.  She knows the mysterious ways of the spiritual life and knows that it's not her.  So being with her, you are often brought right into the love of the Father.  I calmed a bit, and was able to come home to my family and be with them for a while and then get into bed VERY early.  :)   My time with Shelley, some tears with my own mommy, some special texts ........ they gave me hope that I could come face to face with my 1st Mother's Day without Kate and survive. 

I was opening my gifts on Sunday morning with frozen veggies on my face to reduce the swelling from the day before.  The girls were laughing because it was actually a bag of tater tots!  After a  little laughter and some endearing gifts from my precious girls the haze began to lift.  Dave and I  cried together a  little that morning and headed to church.  It was beautiful and I was surrounded by some of those who I love the most and ALWAYS take great care of me when I am hurting.  I was absolutely never far from the minds and hearts of those most special to me.  I received so many messages of love and encouragement that day.  It thrills me to be reminded that others have not forgotten her and they miss her too.   God allowed some people to bear a pretty heavy burden that day (especially Kate's grandparents), and I believe the weight of my burden was being shared.  How beautiful of them to welcome the ache in order that we may all love her together as we miss her. 

It was a beautiful day with our family..... parents, siblings, neices and nephews too.  And I was given one more most precious gift on Sunday (besides having the day with Jadyn and Maci). 

This painting ........  

I will share more about it another time, but my friend Lindsey dropped this off for us, painted by her friend Christy.  This was just the love and assurance I needed from Jesus on Sunday.  It allowed me to rest fully.  I took a deep breath and I rejoiced.  I saw my 6 month old Kate. She is free.  She is in the arms of the one who loves her perfectly.  

If you can't be with your mommy on Mother's Day, Kate Ryan, you run as fast as you can into the arms of Jesus.  You dance, run, swing, and play in the warm sunshine, and you giggle your little heart out precious girl.  I LOVE you.  I love you.  I love you.... with all of my heart, I love YOU.