HELD

The last six months have undoubtedly been THE hardest in my life.  If anyone would have told me one year ago that I was about to face this fire I am walking through, I would have said "no way in hell could I withstand that heat and survive".  At least not survive and maintain sanity! :) 

The only way to describe this space in time adequately is to say, "things just aren't the way they are supposed to be. They are just WRONG".  There are constant reminders of the wrongness and they seem to be blaring again.  I don't really know what it is.....what it is that is causing the waves to once again rise so high and aggressively, except that ..... things just aren't right.   Kate would not really be an infant now, but a baby.  A baby that sits up in that swing that hangs from our tree in the backyard.  A baby that smiles the most ridiculous grins at everybody she sees.  A baby that is propped up on her mama's hip, carried so proudly.  A baby that is learning to interact with her sisters.  A baby that is learning how to eat and sprays food on whomever happens to be in her way.  A baby who giggles and blows raspberries, and warms her mama's heart just by being near in the back seat of the car.  A baby who fills the precious clothes in her drawer with LIFE.  ugh.  wrong. so so wrong.  An empty swing and empty arms.  No smiles, spit, or giggles.  Clothes that haven't moved in nearly 6 months.  No nearness.  Instead far far away her little soul went.

I have said this before but I am knowing it to be more and more true.  This pain just doesn't lessen.  A parent who is without their child whom they were meant to share life with ..... these people, WE, are experiencing the Fall in one of the most crushing ways.  So how do we survive?  I believe this is answered in one simple word......HELD.  

That one word and the weight of it has been my life line.   It feels indescribable and I think that's true of things that happen by God's supernatural power.  In the darkest days, I have felt safe.  I have felt comforted and covered.  Protected.  In my most weary days of life as a human on this earth, I have felt strengthened.  Friends, this is not of me or anything any human musters up.  This is upside down.  This is Jesus.  This is my heavenly Father.  This is being HELD. 

I looked up HOLD in the dictionary and some words caught my attention.........

To  have or keep someone (or something) in your arms.  Thank you for having and keeping me, Lord, when I couldn't keep my daughter from going WAY too soon. 

To put arms around,  to carry or support.  Thank you for putting your arms around me and carrying me when my own arms (and hips) ache with weightlessness.   

To grip of grasp.  Thank you Jesus, for having a firm grip on me when my heart longs for the grasp of her little fingers.     

I find it interesting that this is the word that I am experiencing deeply right now.  Not feeling, but experiencing deeply .... in my "knower".   For what else does a mama long for more than to HOLD her children close.  To have them.  Okay.........to have her.  Keep her.  Put my arms around her, carry her, support her, and grip her with my love.   

Thank you Jesus for gripping me with your mighty and powerful love.  For holding ME on this sacred and holy ground on which I am walking.  May I just remain in the pain and remain in you, Jesus, so the healing may come.  This is where it happens ..... in the trenches. Do not let me climb out on my own.  Just carry me out.  Rescue me as you do.  over and over and over .......  

Many of you have heard this song, as I have many many times.  Sometimes songs lose their weight after hearing them over and over.  I hadn't even listened to this song since Kate left us.  It's not on my "Kate playlist".  Maybe I didn't put it on because I knew what may happen.  On Monday I sat and listened to it and  ..... oh. my. heart.  No weight missing.  This song captures so well what I have been trying to say in my words.  Click  here to enjoy Natalie Grant's HELD.