Forward, not "on"

The sadness has been ever so present again, the tears flowing freely.  It feels as though I have come upon a very unwelcome detour in my grief process. 
There is one problem in that last statement.  None of it probably appears "good" (grief, detour, sadness), but truly it's okay - most of it.  See, there is no problem with grief; it is in fact the most healthy and sane thing I can continue to do in this season after loss.  And there is no problem with detour.  A detour just gives us another pathway to an end.  In this case an end that is my healing.  So where the problem lies is with that one word - unwelcome.  The one that I DO have control over.  The one that will change everything for me in this space and time.  

As I ponder the word, unwelcome, I think of words like cold, hard, and resistant.  If I am honest this has become the state of my heart in recent weeks.  Why is it so hard to welcome the pain, once again?  To accept and try to understand the root of it.  To press into, and grieve.   The reasons are many, but the truth is I must.  I must feel and experience the sadness, without judgement of self, to find a way forward.  To move through.

Yet not "move on".

That is the tension that has been causing so much angst and most likely the resistance in my soul.  How do I move forward in this place without moving on?  Moving on - and away from my Kate Ryan.  The first year after loss felt protected in so many ways.  It felt safe and okay and understandable to want to keep Kate alive in our hearts and in our life.  I wrote monthly birthday letters, we talked about her often, the girls drew, we hung pictures and made photo albums, we grieved, alone and with others.  We honored her life on her birthday with a special celebration.  These are just a few of the ways she has remained part of us.  Then came the beginning of year two, and right on top of the holidays of course.  The whirlwind of the season was swirling around me, but my heart felt frozen.  Stuck.  It wanted to scream and cry but it didn't seem like there was time, space, or freedom.  Feeling alone, I just ached.   

As things have slowed down and stilled, my heart has begun to dethaw.  It hasn't been pretty but it has been necessary.  Grief is necessary and it is healing.  I love Psalm 56:8.  It says, "You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book."  This verse has been such comfort to me as I have mourned deeply this week.  As I have dreamed of who she would be right now.  (absolutely pure deliciousness!)  As I have missed her presence.  
As I fight to keep her alive and part of us in this second year .... and ALWAYS.  As I prepare this week to begin changing her room into her baby brother's.  It's killing me if I am honest, but it is right and it is time.  I will, this week, with the help of a cherished friend clean out the rest of her things and prepare to move forward.   The truth is she is always a part of us.  My SON will not replace Kate Ryan. (and how sweet of the Lord to give us a SON, right?)  He will not replace her .... that may seem like a gigantic "duh", but my mother's heart overrides logic here.  My heart feels protective of her; that she be remembered and always have a place.  Kate has impacted us so deeply and will always be my 3rd child.  My last daughter.  She is engraved on our hearts forever, so I will not fear.  The scriptures remind us that perfect love casts out fear, and my Father IS perfect love.  His good and perfect gifts are from above and are birthed from a heart of LOVE.  This is true of Kate Ryan and our new boy on the way.  So I cannot fear.  I will not fear moving into and through the hard moments ahead.   Because we are not moving on; but moving forward in this season that is pregnant not only with new life but also with trust, hope and faith. 

A letter to my girl - ONE YEAR!

My precious Kate,

It is the day of your first birthday.  I rested my head on my pillow last night with tears falling, and I awoke this morning to what seemed like the same tears on my cheeks.  They were crying the same thing, "my love, oh how I miss you".  And oh, how near you feel on this day, in these hours.  It's not just another day of missing you, like it seems it should be.  It marks so much, this date .... November 17th, and it forever will.  It will forever be a holy date to me.

The missing you is very deep, very real, and so tangible today.  My heart is faint within me as I feel you once more.  As I remember what it was to have you in my arms.  Such love, such sorrow, such a sacred moment in time that will be with me forever.  It was the most dreadful day of my life in some ways, yet I would go back in a heartbeat to be with you.  Right now, I would run as fast as I could to that hospital room and experience it all over if I knew we could be together. Oh to experience you, my daughter, before my eyes and in my arms.

There has been a tension in me all week as your birthday has been approaching.  The tension of missing you and celebrating you.  By God's grace, our hearts ARE free to celebrate.  So we did on Saturday night.   We celebrated where you are, who you are with, and the wholeness and joy you know.  We celebrated God's goodness in the midst of tragedy and how we have experienced his promises to be true.  And we celebrated one another, Kate's biggest fans, who have held one another up and loved each other as we have experienced this devastating loss.  You are much to lose and much to be celebrated.  I have had endless gifts, phone calls, texts and emails today reminding how you mattered.  How you matter!  Lives changed because of you my sweet girl.  People understanding the hope and promises of Christ beyond this earth.  People grasping God's love for them.  People learning to trust, not in the things of this world, but in the kingdom of heaven.  People actually praising God and understanding his goodness in the wake of unthinkable pain.  People even entertaining the thought of a God who loves and cares for them.  People drawn together.  It's truly beautiful what your sweet presence brought to this earth, Kate.  You have forever changed hearts, minds, and futures.  God has been forming us as individuals and as a people.  We are thankful.

Our night remembering and celebrating Kate Ryan.  The perfect company, great food, heart felt words and prayers, flowers, wine, tears, laughter, hugs, lighted balloons released in the night sky .... all for you my love.

So, on your birthday, you, Kate Ryan.... just rejoice. Be loved. Be near. Know how cherished you are. Run. Play.  Know how missed you are....how you will always be deep in my heart where you belong.  You are mine, forever my youngest girl.  And we ..... we will hold tight another day to Jesus as we miss you and remember the GLORIOUS and HOLY day that was November 17th, 2013.  We will cry, remember, love, laugh, and sing to you.  We will fix our eyes on Jesus, who holds us all.

Daddy and mommy starting a new tradition of a special lunch and Andres dessert.

Girls wanted to sing happy birthday at breakfast as we do on all birthday mornings in our home.

I feel you again deep in my bones today.  All the memories washing ashore to my heart and mind.  There is a pure and holy missing today.  It is clearly Kate Ryan's day.  You are ever present in us all; unmistakable that it is the day you graced us with your presence one short year ago.  Our hearts are uniquely tender,  and so is HIS peace that is tending to us.  We mark this day to love and honor you, while you have marked us for a lifetime .... changed forever.

Happy Birthday Kate Ryan Swob!!
I love you to the moon and back,
Mommy

HOPE

This pregnancy journey has been filled with enormous amounts of grace from the very beginning.  As I laid eyes on those 2 pink lines, I am not sure if my heart stopped or jumped out of my chest. I think it did both simultaneously.  I felt completely overwhelmed with fear, joy, excitement, anxiety, love, grief ..... all in a matter of minutes ..... they rushed in and out and through me.  And very shortly after, I began to experience the grace of God being poured out.  I remembered, suddenly remembered, words people had said to me over the last few months about this moment in time.  God was reminding me of how He was in this.  My heart relaxed in his presence, knowing He was all over this.   I was so thankful in those moments for all those who had been praying for us and even responding when prompted. 

It was a Tuesday when we found out.  The Friday prior,  I had tackled Kate's room for the first time.  Grace.  Two days later, on Sunday, I was baptized, symbolizing my new life in Christ.  Yes, new life.  Grace.  What a beautiful expression of God's love and care just to give me these little glimpse of his hand on me, on us.  I knew this was all going to be okay. 

There is a confidence running through me because I know deep down that God's hand is all over this gift of new life.  I carry this confidence with me, but I cannot say it is unwavering.  This has been, and will continue to be, a scary journey for us.  It's just a different pregnancy this time around.  Different than the other three.  I know things I didn't know before.  The fragility of it all.  I take nothing for granted.  Every day that this little guy is with me I give thanks and love him with all of my heart.   Some days I can't even hope past today so I continue to give thanks.  That is my act of worship and praise.  

I have wrestled with God's trustworthiness.  That in itself has been discouraging to me after all we have seen him be and do for us.  How could I struggle?   I KNOW that He is trustworthy because I have experienced it over and over in my life, but I have days where I still question.... will he be in this??  Will he be trustworthy in the way I really want him to be?  He is faithful and will carry us through anything.  I know who he is in the darkness.  But to be truthful, that's not how I want to experience him this time.  I honestly don't want to know how good he will be in the hard times.  I want a healthy baby in my arms.  That's what I want.  This is the wrestling I am doing with him right now.  I walked away from a conference this weekend saying "I am going to believe my God IS and WILL BE trustworthy, and that I am going to allow myself to hope.  I am going to let myself be loved."  So I am doing my best.  To stay by God's side and allow him to love me through every fear.  To allow him to comfort me as only he can.  This is working out my salvation with fear and trembling.  Placing my hope in him and continuing to cry out to him with the desires of my heart.  Trusting.  

It's not easy, but it's also really beautiful.  A sweet friend reminded me the other day that this is the beginning of my little guy's story.  Our story.  Something only we will share.  It's helping me to embrace the hard parts and not just want the pregnancy to be over.  That's not really a way to live .... just wishing things away. Wanting and waiting for the end result.  That is not living my life in Christ.  I want to do this with my Father, to recieve his GRACE, find the beauty in the hard things, and hope and trust in him for my daily bread.  This is what it is to live fully alive in Him as I wait.  He is the gift in the waiting.  My prayer is that I would receive the gift daily, or hourly, so that this process is much more than a process.  It is a beautiful journey willed with peace, love, and grace.  A journey that is  just the beginning of my little guy's story.  A story of HOPE. 

 

 

 

Miracles

I am so very blessed by my two miracles, Jadyn and Maci, that are beside me every day.  I am blessed by my miracle, Kate,  that is above me in heaven.   And I am blessed these recent days by the little miracle inside me that is baby boy Swob. 

Yes, it's true.  A pregnancy.  New life.  A boy.   It's all still soaking in.  I am only 14 weeks but we had blood work done that was able to reveal the gender.  We are thrilled and wanted to share our wonderful news.  I look forward to sharing more about the journey this pregnancy has already been and what it will continue to be.    But for today, that's all I have!  A fun announcement! 

11 months - a letter to my girl

Sweet baby girl,

It’s absolutely unbelievable to think that you would be 11 months old today my Kate.   That is only one month away from being ONE YEAR old.  It breaks me and it also raises up in me a need to celebrate.  To celebrate and remember the day we met you.  A desire to celebrate that we have made it this far, when in the early days tomorrow seemed impossible to reach.  And my heart longs to remember the faithfulness of God to us in our deepest of pain over the last year.   All of this a culmination of my love for you sweet baby.  My love for you has kept me going.  It’s kept me grieving and kept me hoping.   My tears are a way I feel near to you again.  My hoping reminds me of the perfect home you enjoy, and that one day we will share the wonders of that place. 

There is a song called "Glory Baby" that has comforted me over the months.  A friend wrote out the lyrics and gave them to me the day we said goodbye to you.  Yesterday a sweet friend sent this picture as she was remembering you ..... remembering us.  And they are perfect words for you today sweet girl. 

Yes, do this Kate Ryan.  Run to sweet Jesus and let him hold you.  Let his arms hold you .... His perfect love hold you, until we can.  

I love you to the moon and back,

Mommy 

10 months - a letter to my girl

My sweet Kate,

Today I think about Mary, and how she "treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart" regarding her son, Jesus.  There is mention of this at least twice in the gospel of Luke.  I understand this about Mary as I think of you.  The time I had with you is absolute treasure that has saturated by whole being forever.  Ten months ago, I soaked in and treasured those moments we held you to the very best of my ability with my broken and devastated heart.   I pondered then and I ponder now.

It is so sweet to have my mind set on you, my daughter.  I still believe with everything in me that you were SO perfect.  Broken in the world's eyes because your heart did not beat one time outside of my womb.  Yet, I trust that your creator had EVERY single one of your days outside of my womb ordained for HIS glorious Kindgdom.  And what could be more perfect than that?   When I miss seeing you snuggled in your daddy's arms, I remember that the PERFECT daddy's arms hold you, and caress you, and love you.  You are my little miracle .... a miracle of another world.   In all of God's wisdom and majesty He knew all the power your short little life would hold.  You are AMAZING!!

Believing these things doesn't make me miss you one ounce less, it just reminds me of God's power, sovereignty and redeeming love.  It takes away a little of the sting now as my heart heals.  But oh, how we want to see you crawling all over the place and learning words.  We want to rub your back and sing "Jesus loves me" over you every night.  We want to know what your favorite foods would be.  We want, we want, we want .......
The desire for your life on earth will never go away, but we find comfort in knowing your dwelling place.  The house of the Lord, filled with his sweet presence.  Breathe it in, sweet baby, as your heart beats PERFECTLY right next to His.

I love you to the moon and back,
Mommy 

these days.... new days

These recent days have held so much.  Moving forward.  Celebration.  Remembering.  Missing.  Hoping.  Believing.  Proclaiming.  Surrendering.  Rejoicing.

I have been waiting for the day that I would "know".  Know when it was right to start in Kate's room.  Her room hasn't been off limits by any means.  Jadyn and Maci still had some of their "play room" in there when she was born so it has been played in for months now.  I have struggled off and on over the last few months as I look in Kate's room and see doll house disaster, Barbie bombs, journals, stickers, books ... everything that 6 and 8 year old girls make messes with.  I tidy it up and move forward.  
On Friday I found myself with time and space.  I sat on my patio in the morning, not feeling great, but feeling the nudge I had been waiting for.  It felt like time to begin.  I thought about packing up clothes, shoes, hats ... the little things to start with.   I asked for prayer, I invited a friend, and I began.  This friend I called ... she knows how to get after tasks like no one else I know.  An organization queen she is!!  I wasn't in a "get after it" mood but God had given me peace that it was right to ask her into this day with me. I was so very proud of and thankful for who this friend was this day.  Jill waited with me to find my way.  We cried and we got started.  She asked and she honored.  She was patient with me yet led me when I appeared paralyzed.   She was just who I needed.  We went through some of Kate's things and kept out the "specials".  We packed away tights, and shoes, blankets, burp cloths and bottles.  We got rid of clutter and simplified the space.  We had give, sell, and keep piles. All of the big girls stuff went to the basement and we created an honoring, sacred space for Kate.  As we worked we stopped to cry and remember.  I felt overwhelmed with supernatural peace again and again.  It was physical and tangible.  As we slowly moved along it became clear where we were heading, and we did just that much.  Just enough.  We allowed the important things to remain for now.... her crib, dresser, bookshelves, rocking chair, and special memories.   It feels so honoring.  I love what her room is now, but I also love what it has been.  I know that the freedom and life and fun that has taken place in that room over the last nine months has honored Jadyn and Maci's process.   And for all of this I am thankful.   It's GRACE.

Two short days later held more GRACE.  So much more grace.  Oh  my goodness, grace.  I had planned to be baptized on Sunday at our all church baptism.  This really has been one of my favorite days of the year for the last 8 years or so.  I have been there to witness, to pray, to stand along side ....  but this year I was going IN.  I had felt a quiet whisper and a gentle nudge sporadically throughout the summer.  I really had been uncertain up until the last few days, but as the time approached I really believed God was asking me to take this step.  To trust him with what this day and these moments would hold.  
I desired to proclaim what I have found out about him in the last nine months ...  many things of which I have shared in this blog.  Basically, that I am DONE fighting against His grace and trying to be enough.  That his grace holds all power, all provision, all protection.  That He CAN BE trusted with my surrendered heart.  I no longer have to fear my weakness; for He is strongest in my weakest of days.   I have been singing with my voice from the depths of who I am, "He is God and I am not".  I have been powerless as I faced death in my arms,  and I know now what it is to be dependent and in need ..... completely.... and there is nowhere else I'd rather be than in the arms of Christ.  I have found in Him my anchor and my hope; and I want to live the rest of my days for him and out of His spirit that lives inside of me.  There is no one else worth following. 
I stepped up to share my testimony ..... still trembling a bit.   I didn't want to prepare what I was going to say because I didn't want to perform in any way.  This season for me has been about freedom as well.  I was going to trust that what I had to say was already "in me".  I did.  With all of those most precious to me surrounding me.  With Shelley by my side as she has been for the last 2 years.  His words came, and went, freely.   Shelley's blessing of prayer came.  Beautifully, it came, and went.  And then ..... in a moment of silence and a call for others to be baptized,  my sweet and courageous friend, Lindsey, stepped forth as God nudged her to.  She shared her surrendered heart and desire to let her old self die with Christ to be raised with him as well.  This was not planned.  This was the Spirit of the Lord.  We just can't argue with it.  A short while later we went to the waters and my other sweet and courageous friend, Kelly, boldly walked into the waters and let her heart crumble before him ..... ready to be washed clean and made new.  Jesus, Jesus, precious Jesus.  Only YOU can come up with these things.  
I have prayed about the day that I would be able to stand beside some of these ladies at their baptism.  Little did I know that I would be baptized, to then turn around moments later and participate in the baptism of my dearest of friends.  The ones I have discipled.  The ones I have called friends. The ones whom I have supported and who have supported me.  The ones who have helped carry me in my darkest of days.  The ones who have taught me much by walking along side them.  All of this, only minutes after being baptized by one that is also so dear to my heart .....it is truly a treasure to be known and loved by Shelley.  The questions she asked me at my baptism ..... whew.... there are no words.  Just straight to the soul.  She knew what I needed to declare and I did .... with a bold "YES".  With an "ABSOLUTELY".  With an "I DO".   Shelley on one side and my Dave on the other.  The one who has loved and supported and put up with me!!   I just told him on Friday when I was cleaning out Kate's room, "there is no other person I would want to walk through the darkest of days with than him".  He is tender and strong in all the right ways and at mostly the right time. :) 
A circle of friends and family that have been part of this journey with me .... the sweetness of these moments are FOREVER in my heart and mind.  August 24th, 2014..... epic, sacred, holy.  A family day like no other. 

These days .... I am thankful for.  God has been so good and so gracious and so loving to me.  I was surrounded on Sunday by the most GENUINE, the most LOVING, the most SUPPORTIVE friends and family a person could ask for.   And I KNOW..... with everything in me that my Kate was celebrating and rejoicing over me/ us as well. All of this a ripple effect of her life.  I know a new life and a new intimacy with the Father ..... the one that she knows and experiences.  We share something NEW.  It's a new day.