A letter to my girl - ONE YEAR!

My precious Kate,

It is the day of your first birthday.  I rested my head on my pillow last night with tears falling, and I awoke this morning to what seemed like the same tears on my cheeks.  They were crying the same thing, "my love, oh how I miss you".  And oh, how near you feel on this day, in these hours.  It's not just another day of missing you, like it seems it should be.  It marks so much, this date .... November 17th, and it forever will.  It will forever be a holy date to me.

The missing you is very deep, very real, and so tangible today.  My heart is faint within me as I feel you once more.  As I remember what it was to have you in my arms.  Such love, such sorrow, such a sacred moment in time that will be with me forever.  It was the most dreadful day of my life in some ways, yet I would go back in a heartbeat to be with you.  Right now, I would run as fast as I could to that hospital room and experience it all over if I knew we could be together. Oh to experience you, my daughter, before my eyes and in my arms.

There has been a tension in me all week as your birthday has been approaching.  The tension of missing you and celebrating you.  By God's grace, our hearts ARE free to celebrate.  So we did on Saturday night.   We celebrated where you are, who you are with, and the wholeness and joy you know.  We celebrated God's goodness in the midst of tragedy and how we have experienced his promises to be true.  And we celebrated one another, Kate's biggest fans, who have held one another up and loved each other as we have experienced this devastating loss.  You are much to lose and much to be celebrated.  I have had endless gifts, phone calls, texts and emails today reminding how you mattered.  How you matter!  Lives changed because of you my sweet girl.  People understanding the hope and promises of Christ beyond this earth.  People grasping God's love for them.  People learning to trust, not in the things of this world, but in the kingdom of heaven.  People actually praising God and understanding his goodness in the wake of unthinkable pain.  People even entertaining the thought of a God who loves and cares for them.  People drawn together.  It's truly beautiful what your sweet presence brought to this earth, Kate.  You have forever changed hearts, minds, and futures.  God has been forming us as individuals and as a people.  We are thankful.

Our night remembering and celebrating Kate Ryan.  The perfect company, great food, heart felt words and prayers, flowers, wine, tears, laughter, hugs, lighted balloons released in the night sky .... all for you my love.

So, on your birthday, you, Kate Ryan.... just rejoice. Be loved. Be near. Know how cherished you are. Run. Play.  Know how missed you are....how you will always be deep in my heart where you belong.  You are mine, forever my youngest girl.  And we ..... we will hold tight another day to Jesus as we miss you and remember the GLORIOUS and HOLY day that was November 17th, 2013.  We will cry, remember, love, laugh, and sing to you.  We will fix our eyes on Jesus, who holds us all.

Daddy and mommy starting a new tradition of a special lunch and Andres dessert.

Girls wanted to sing happy birthday at breakfast as we do on all birthday mornings in our home.

I feel you again deep in my bones today.  All the memories washing ashore to my heart and mind.  There is a pure and holy missing today.  It is clearly Kate Ryan's day.  You are ever present in us all; unmistakable that it is the day you graced us with your presence one short year ago.  Our hearts are uniquely tender,  and so is HIS peace that is tending to us.  We mark this day to love and honor you, while you have marked us for a lifetime .... changed forever.

Happy Birthday Kate Ryan Swob!!
I love you to the moon and back,
Mommy