HOPE

This pregnancy journey has been filled with enormous amounts of grace from the very beginning.  As I laid eyes on those 2 pink lines, I am not sure if my heart stopped or jumped out of my chest. I think it did both simultaneously.  I felt completely overwhelmed with fear, joy, excitement, anxiety, love, grief ..... all in a matter of minutes ..... they rushed in and out and through me.  And very shortly after, I began to experience the grace of God being poured out.  I remembered, suddenly remembered, words people had said to me over the last few months about this moment in time.  God was reminding me of how He was in this.  My heart relaxed in his presence, knowing He was all over this.   I was so thankful in those moments for all those who had been praying for us and even responding when prompted. 

It was a Tuesday when we found out.  The Friday prior,  I had tackled Kate's room for the first time.  Grace.  Two days later, on Sunday, I was baptized, symbolizing my new life in Christ.  Yes, new life.  Grace.  What a beautiful expression of God's love and care just to give me these little glimpse of his hand on me, on us.  I knew this was all going to be okay. 

There is a confidence running through me because I know deep down that God's hand is all over this gift of new life.  I carry this confidence with me, but I cannot say it is unwavering.  This has been, and will continue to be, a scary journey for us.  It's just a different pregnancy this time around.  Different than the other three.  I know things I didn't know before.  The fragility of it all.  I take nothing for granted.  Every day that this little guy is with me I give thanks and love him with all of my heart.   Some days I can't even hope past today so I continue to give thanks.  That is my act of worship and praise.  

I have wrestled with God's trustworthiness.  That in itself has been discouraging to me after all we have seen him be and do for us.  How could I struggle?   I KNOW that He is trustworthy because I have experienced it over and over in my life, but I have days where I still question.... will he be in this??  Will he be trustworthy in the way I really want him to be?  He is faithful and will carry us through anything.  I know who he is in the darkness.  But to be truthful, that's not how I want to experience him this time.  I honestly don't want to know how good he will be in the hard times.  I want a healthy baby in my arms.  That's what I want.  This is the wrestling I am doing with him right now.  I walked away from a conference this weekend saying "I am going to believe my God IS and WILL BE trustworthy, and that I am going to allow myself to hope.  I am going to let myself be loved."  So I am doing my best.  To stay by God's side and allow him to love me through every fear.  To allow him to comfort me as only he can.  This is working out my salvation with fear and trembling.  Placing my hope in him and continuing to cry out to him with the desires of my heart.  Trusting.  

It's not easy, but it's also really beautiful.  A sweet friend reminded me the other day that this is the beginning of my little guy's story.  Our story.  Something only we will share.  It's helping me to embrace the hard parts and not just want the pregnancy to be over.  That's not really a way to live .... just wishing things away. Wanting and waiting for the end result.  That is not living my life in Christ.  I want to do this with my Father, to recieve his GRACE, find the beauty in the hard things, and hope and trust in him for my daily bread.  This is what it is to live fully alive in Him as I wait.  He is the gift in the waiting.  My prayer is that I would receive the gift daily, or hourly, so that this process is much more than a process.  It is a beautiful journey willed with peace, love, and grace.  A journey that is  just the beginning of my little guy's story.  A story of HOPE.