these days.... new days

These recent days have held so much.  Moving forward.  Celebration.  Remembering.  Missing.  Hoping.  Believing.  Proclaiming.  Surrendering.  Rejoicing.

I have been waiting for the day that I would "know".  Know when it was right to start in Kate's room.  Her room hasn't been off limits by any means.  Jadyn and Maci still had some of their "play room" in there when she was born so it has been played in for months now.  I have struggled off and on over the last few months as I look in Kate's room and see doll house disaster, Barbie bombs, journals, stickers, books ... everything that 6 and 8 year old girls make messes with.  I tidy it up and move forward.  
On Friday I found myself with time and space.  I sat on my patio in the morning, not feeling great, but feeling the nudge I had been waiting for.  It felt like time to begin.  I thought about packing up clothes, shoes, hats ... the little things to start with.   I asked for prayer, I invited a friend, and I began.  This friend I called ... she knows how to get after tasks like no one else I know.  An organization queen she is!!  I wasn't in a "get after it" mood but God had given me peace that it was right to ask her into this day with me. I was so very proud of and thankful for who this friend was this day.  Jill waited with me to find my way.  We cried and we got started.  She asked and she honored.  She was patient with me yet led me when I appeared paralyzed.   She was just who I needed.  We went through some of Kate's things and kept out the "specials".  We packed away tights, and shoes, blankets, burp cloths and bottles.  We got rid of clutter and simplified the space.  We had give, sell, and keep piles. All of the big girls stuff went to the basement and we created an honoring, sacred space for Kate.  As we worked we stopped to cry and remember.  I felt overwhelmed with supernatural peace again and again.  It was physical and tangible.  As we slowly moved along it became clear where we were heading, and we did just that much.  Just enough.  We allowed the important things to remain for now.... her crib, dresser, bookshelves, rocking chair, and special memories.   It feels so honoring.  I love what her room is now, but I also love what it has been.  I know that the freedom and life and fun that has taken place in that room over the last nine months has honored Jadyn and Maci's process.   And for all of this I am thankful.   It's GRACE.

Two short days later held more GRACE.  So much more grace.  Oh  my goodness, grace.  I had planned to be baptized on Sunday at our all church baptism.  This really has been one of my favorite days of the year for the last 8 years or so.  I have been there to witness, to pray, to stand along side ....  but this year I was going IN.  I had felt a quiet whisper and a gentle nudge sporadically throughout the summer.  I really had been uncertain up until the last few days, but as the time approached I really believed God was asking me to take this step.  To trust him with what this day and these moments would hold.  
I desired to proclaim what I have found out about him in the last nine months ...  many things of which I have shared in this blog.  Basically, that I am DONE fighting against His grace and trying to be enough.  That his grace holds all power, all provision, all protection.  That He CAN BE trusted with my surrendered heart.  I no longer have to fear my weakness; for He is strongest in my weakest of days.   I have been singing with my voice from the depths of who I am, "He is God and I am not".  I have been powerless as I faced death in my arms,  and I know now what it is to be dependent and in need ..... completely.... and there is nowhere else I'd rather be than in the arms of Christ.  I have found in Him my anchor and my hope; and I want to live the rest of my days for him and out of His spirit that lives inside of me.  There is no one else worth following. 
I stepped up to share my testimony ..... still trembling a bit.   I didn't want to prepare what I was going to say because I didn't want to perform in any way.  This season for me has been about freedom as well.  I was going to trust that what I had to say was already "in me".  I did.  With all of those most precious to me surrounding me.  With Shelley by my side as she has been for the last 2 years.  His words came, and went, freely.   Shelley's blessing of prayer came.  Beautifully, it came, and went.  And then ..... in a moment of silence and a call for others to be baptized,  my sweet and courageous friend, Lindsey, stepped forth as God nudged her to.  She shared her surrendered heart and desire to let her old self die with Christ to be raised with him as well.  This was not planned.  This was the Spirit of the Lord.  We just can't argue with it.  A short while later we went to the waters and my other sweet and courageous friend, Kelly, boldly walked into the waters and let her heart crumble before him ..... ready to be washed clean and made new.  Jesus, Jesus, precious Jesus.  Only YOU can come up with these things.  
I have prayed about the day that I would be able to stand beside some of these ladies at their baptism.  Little did I know that I would be baptized, to then turn around moments later and participate in the baptism of my dearest of friends.  The ones I have discipled.  The ones I have called friends. The ones whom I have supported and who have supported me.  The ones who have helped carry me in my darkest of days.  The ones who have taught me much by walking along side them.  All of this, only minutes after being baptized by one that is also so dear to my heart .....it is truly a treasure to be known and loved by Shelley.  The questions she asked me at my baptism ..... whew.... there are no words.  Just straight to the soul.  She knew what I needed to declare and I did .... with a bold "YES".  With an "ABSOLUTELY".  With an "I DO".   Shelley on one side and my Dave on the other.  The one who has loved and supported and put up with me!!   I just told him on Friday when I was cleaning out Kate's room, "there is no other person I would want to walk through the darkest of days with than him".  He is tender and strong in all the right ways and at mostly the right time. :) 
A circle of friends and family that have been part of this journey with me .... the sweetness of these moments are FOREVER in my heart and mind.  August 24th, 2014..... epic, sacred, holy.  A family day like no other. 

These days .... I am thankful for.  God has been so good and so gracious and so loving to me.  I was surrounded on Sunday by the most GENUINE, the most LOVING, the most SUPPORTIVE friends and family a person could ask for.   And I KNOW..... with everything in me that my Kate was celebrating and rejoicing over me/ us as well. All of this a ripple effect of her life.  I know a new life and a new intimacy with the Father ..... the one that she knows and experiences.  We share something NEW.  It's a new day. 

9 months ..... letters to our girl from Daddy and Mommy

My dear Kate,

These milestones continue to come.  It is not that we miss you more on these days, everyday we miss you my love.  The milestones just carry a calendar reminder that the days continue to go on; and on these days there seems to be a greater attention brought to remembering.  For us and for others.  And today it seemed like a celebration type of day in my heart and in my spirit.  The tears didn't flow as easily as they normally do, and the heaviness was not as great.  Today, when people texted to say how much they miss you,  I thought to myself, "of course they do ... because YOU were one amazing, precious light!".  A BEAUTIFUL child of God (and of mine :)).   We are unable to be blessed with your amazing presence here on this earth and that is what makes us ache.  

So tonight, I celebrate you.  The purity, the light, the love that is Kate Ryan Swob.  I celebrate that you are receiving all light, and all love, and all purity right where you are.  You are right where you belong even though we still long for you in our arms and in our lives sweet girl.  

You are forever part of our family precious daughter.   I love you beyond words ....
 ....to the moon and back,

Mommy 

My dearest Kate,

Happy 9 month birthday sweet daughter.  As I sat in church today, it was so very apparent that you were not with me. It hit me in the midst of a song that my arms were empty and cool as opposed to warm from a sleeping baby in my arms. The days I think of you are somewhat less now, I have to admit. When you are on my mind however, it is painful to think about your chubby little cheeks, arms and legs and you in the arms of your sisters.

As we looked through the many pictures of you tonight I am reminded of the many things I am grateful for. The chance to see you, hold you, give you your one and only bath, for Vanessa our Doula walking us through such a day, for all of the pictures that recorded every moment of that sleep deprived day and for all of the family and friends we call family that were by our side. Oh how God carried us through those moments and loved us through that time. Prayers, tears, hugs, well wishes, cards, food, food and more fantastic food, ginger bread lattes, special gifts for the girls, candles, cozy blankets, Christmas lights on our house, leaves raked, house cleaned over and over, laundry done over and over, flowers, plants (a whole garden worth), wine, great beer, ballet tickets and a painting of Jesus holding and kissing you at 6 months of age. What?!... Yes, all that and

I am sure more that I am forgetting.  We were and are so very blessed.

I/we miss you Kate Ryan. We were supposed to be crawling around on the floor together tonight, napping together while watching football, caring for you as a family, feeding you new foods and putting you in cute little outfits. The only thing that brings me any comfort and peace is knowing that I will see you again and that you are no doubt in the best hands possible. Hands that are always full of love, patience and gentleness. The hands that created you in all of your uniqueness. Hands that will one day make wrong things right, will bind up the broken hearted, free all captives, release prisoners from darkness and comfort all who mourn. Jesus can't come soon enough.... I have never looked

more forward to that day before now and am ready to go when He calls me home. Until then, we pray, cry, scream, laugh and wait.

I love you baby girl with all my heart,

daddy

Carry Me

In one week, Jadyn and Maci return to school.  For the first time both of my girls will be gone all day.  I believe there is a normal emptiness this brings to any stay at home mom.   We spend years nurturing and loving and preparing them for these days. Hoping that as we send them off, their hearts and minds are equipped for the hours and days without us.   With it comes a tension of loss and gain.  Loss of time and influence and memories to be made.  Gained freedom and opportunity and peace :).   
But what I feel this year goes beyond the normal tension.  The loss is much more painful and the gain less sweet. 

You see, what I had in mind for next week was so very different.  It was to be a time of celebration in seeing my big girls move forward, and a time to start anew as a mother to a wee one all over again.  It pains me to say that one year ago I was having a hard time getting used to that idea, and now..... Oh, how I would do ANYTHING to be getting used to it.   Oh, how I would do anything for THAT to be my reality.  For Kate Ryan's presence to be filling my days and moving me forward as her mommy.

So, I believe what I am experiencing is less tension and more loss.  The gain and the celebration is still before me,  but it feels almost impossible to SEE through the pain of losing so much.  I admit that I fear the emptiness of the days ahead.  What was supposed to be is not.  My home will not be full of life.  Not full of naps and tears and bottles and diapers.  Not full of tried patience and long days with a little one.  Not full of "firsts".   First steps and first outings.  

I am just so thankful for the hope that God continues to offer me as I hold on to him with all of my might.  He gives me glimpses of the future that offer excitement and wonder ..... oh how he loves me.  Oh how he loves me.  Carry me, Jesus, in the days ahead.   Through what should be a "normal" tension, but is instead an emptiness no mother should know. 



 

Learning to rest, resting to learn

Learning to rest.  And resting to learn.  

There are so many lessons in rest, but we can hardly be still long enough to even see and believe that.  I confess the season of rest has been difficult for me.  And many times along the way I have felt like I have failed miserably or been doing it "all wrong".  It has definitely been a place of finding a new way.  I am attempting not to beat myself up and feel condemnation, but instead experience the truth of the Lord's ever present grace as I learn. .....  to rest, and receive the lessons in rest.

I have been stopping recently to reflect on what God has been revealing to me.  I STOP this morning (on a beautifully rainy morning in my quiet and still home) and I am reminded.  Reminded of the truths He has shown me over the last few months.  
I praise Him for the things I now know  ...... the things that have made a transforming shift from mind to heart deep inside of me .....

My value is not on based on what I do or any "position" I have.   Not based on any recognition, being seen, or who I am to others.  I have value because I am His.  Redeemed and loved.  A work in progress.  Broken and beautiful.  One He treasures and one whom He lives inside .... ready to be shown through me.

I LEAD as I LIVE and follow Jesus.  That is enough.  I am a leader.   

Not being liked is okay.  If everyone likes me, I am probably not living boldly enough and brave enough.   My identity is not based on what others think of me.  I am secure in His approval, not others.  

I can survive the darkest of days and the deepest of losses.  Even when they are piled upon one another.  He holds me.  

His peace is available in the wildest of storms.

God's sovereignty can be trusted.  He knows what He is doing way better than I.   He can be trusted with my life.   I do not have to figure it out, just follow him.

His voice is the ONLY one worth following.

In quiet listening prayer we find his guidance.  

The light of life is found in experiencing the depths of darkness.  How hard it is to face the vulnerable feelings of pain and fear, but oh how much life is found right there in the places we try s0 desperately to avoid.  We know joy only as fully as we know pain. 

A quiet life is a powerful life.

Community is a GIFT from God. I can love community, but not more than I love God.  I must love God more than I love his good gifts.

I only want to go where He is moving.  May I continue to be sensitive to His movement and not my own striving.

My family is my first responsibility and ministry.  What a privilege!

We must always have safe places to heal and be loved as we find our way and do ministry. 

True things remain. 

I am not perfect at these things and I am finding absolute freedom as I learn.  I am tempted daily by identity traps and seeking control over my life.   I am learning to surrender.   Learning to relax in his presence as I rest.  As I STOP.  Stop being busy, stop controlling, stop seeing with my own eyes.  Stop avoiding.  Stop knowing for sure the way things are.  Resting requires a STOP.  Stopping to rest is a deep deep trust place.  Our eyes are opened to all the things we are dependent upon that are not worthy of our hope and trust.... not worthy of our dependence.   I am beyond thankful for this time to be still and be prepared for what's next.  I can become anxious with excitement and wonder as I think about the future, but for now I continue to REMAIN.  Attached to him as I wait for His release. 

 

8 months - A letter to my girl

Sweet Kate,

Today feels difficult my love.  I can be in "coping mode"and then the unexpected just triggers me.  Yesterday it was the zoo.  Off we went with Grammy to meet Aunt Audra and your cousins.  Your sisters were filled with anticipation to see the polar bears, and the penguins (which we hadn't seen yet).  It wasn't long before we were inside the gates on this 75 degree July day and I saw the sea of strollers.   I noticed myself just shutting down in this moment out of self protection and a means of survival.  But the truth is, I just missed you.  I missed you so terribly much in that moment and in many moments throughout the day.  I didn't fully let myself feel it until much later, but when I did I was reminded of how awfully wrong life is without you.  You should be on my hip seeing the animals at the zoo for the first time.  I should be pushing my napping Kate in her stroller .... that now sits empty in our garage.  Dang.  Oh how I wish things were different and not so dang difficult.

I know God will carry me through these days as he has been.  He is faithful, and has given me so many days filled with hope and life and joy.  I am being awakened to a new life in Him.  I know how deep his love is and how sufficient his grace.  I understand what it means to have my faith built on a solid rock. Christ my cornerstone.  I know what it is to be held and forgiven.  Freed.
Many of these things have happened since you were born.  In no way do I believe God allowed your death in order for these things to happen in me.  I do, though, believe that they are a consequence of your short life here and your death.  God uses ALL things for the good of those who love him who have been called according to his purpose (Romans 8:28).  He is using your way too short life, my love, to awaken my soul and others' as well.

I hope you met your friend Hally this past week.  She ran into the arms of Jesus last week .... way too soon in our human understanding here.  Only nine.   She was just playing with Jadyn last month, and I now have hope that she is playing with you .... that she is like your big sister there in heaven for now.   

I love you.  My heart still feels like it might explode if I feel to the full how much my I love and miss you all at once.  I have to let it out in doses.  You my dear,  ....my hot pink warrior, my too sweet for this world, precious one, are adored and treasured and never forgotten.  Not one day passes without thoughts about you, tears shed for you, or chatter about our broken hopes and dreams for you.  Thankful tonight that our hope is not placed in ourselves, in our health, or in a perfect life here on earth, but that our hope is placed alone in Jesus Christ our Lord and Savior who right now kisses you tenderly "goodnight".  Goodnight baby girl.  Goodnight.

I love you to the moon and back,
Mommy 

 

Prayer

Our dearest of friends lost their niece last week to a terribly rare infection from lake water.  We will celebrate her life today and I ask for your prayers.  Hally and Jadyn were just playing over a month ago; jumping on a trampoline.  She was so full of life and love.  They were reacquainting themselves, laughing, and enjoying life to the full in the way children do.  Our hearts break today and they also rejoice knowing she is in the arms of Jesus.  
This morning I read Psalm 84 in my devotion time.  I am praying for all of Hally's family to dwell deeply in His living presence today, knowing that He is capable of holding their hearts so close to his; feeling tightly wrapped in his arms.  His promise is for blessing to those who dwell in the house of the Lord.  Even as they pass through the valley of Baca springs will rise. 
Surrounded by love from family and friends, today we all will enter into the house of God.  Broken hearted but not destroyed. 
Will you join me in interceding for this amazing family?  Her parents, siblings, extended family, and the community of friends who love her deeply. 
.    

Sacred Spaces

Last week my big girls were at camp so I received the gift of alone time.  A lot of it.  A lot of it that went very quickly, as it always does.  I had been fighting for peace the week prior.   Nothing major, just feeling tugged and pulled in a million different directions.  Doing a lot of good and fun things......just a lot.  A lot going on is not what I am going for!! :)  I am still noticing a great need for rest, stillness and taking care of myself.  I am noticing the necessity to still be around people in my "care castle" often.  Those I never feel the need to "be anything" with.  Those whom I can still cry in the middle of dinner if I need to, or those who can just sit with me in the silence. 

On Wednesday, I took a little window of time to go to the Kauffman gardens.   This has been such a special place to me.  A place where I began a journey of claiming my identity as God's child.  He has spoken tender things to me in this place through the beauty of the gardens, statues, and fountains.  It has been a holy place, really.  I was hoping to go and "catch my breath" a bit.  To be still ...... and be reminded that He is God.   I arrived expectant to hear His voice.  Not expecting to hear anything in particular, just expectant to meet with my Maker.   

I took a little walking tour through the front gardens.  As I have been working on Kate's garden, I am beginning to learn the names of more plants and flowers.  This time it was fun to walk through naming plants and flowers in my mind.  She has opened my eyes to a new world in this way and given me new knowledge.  I definitely do not have a green thumb yet but I am enjoying this process for sure.  Some of the flowers I picked out for her garden were among the first I saw upon arrival.  A sweet reassurance to me.  God.  It's the little things sometimes. 


I moved on to the back garden; the one with the statues of dancers that has been so sacred to me.  I sat on a bench which I have never sat on before, and gained a new view, a new perspective.  The perfect perspective on this day.  The landscape of beauty before me ..... the beauty's blessing fell fresh on me.  It felt like perfection for a moment.  The blue sky.  Sun shining brightly through the trees, it's warmth on my skin and a pocket of shade to scoot into when I needed.  Vibrant flowers before my eyes and the constancy of the splashing fountain.   The freedom of the dancers in front of me.  It doesn't take long for my mind to wander to "I wish my girl was here", but the thought barely formed before I began to experience what God wanted me to know that day.  He gave me a gift .... but a glimpse of my girl's home, her heaven, her perfection.  It doesn't take long for the tears to fall in these moments.  Before I knew it the warmth of the sun couldn't touch the warmth in my heart.  The tears felt so pure.  Pure rejoicing.  Pure joy.   I don't really know how to reconcile that or if it even makes sense when I miss her so much, but it felt true for that moment.  God's healing tears.  I imagined the moment she was received into this glory  .......that Jesus just held her tightly in his arms and let her take in all that was before her.  I imagined what she saw and what she heard ..... a choir of angels rejoicing over her arrival.   The feeling of being safe in his arms.  The warmth of it all.

"He will wipe every tear from their eyes.  There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.  Revelation 21:4

I continued to sit.  I continued to wait.  I would know when to go.  God continued to speak to me about some different situations in my life.  Questions that are nagging in my spirit.  I didn't necessarily receive answers, but I received the comfort and consolation that His presence gives.  Encouragement for the moment, for the day.  My daily bread.  But before I left there was a revelation that came fresh.  Something I knew but needed a reminder of.    I moved to sit along the ground and set my eyes upon my favorite statue there.  God whispered to me ..... "the same rejoicing that happened in heaven upon Kate's arrival is over you now my love.  It is there.  It is constant.  You must believe it."   Does my believing cause the rejoicing?  Is it some act of "you do this and I'll give that"?  Absolutely not.  That is not how God works.  His gifts are there.  My believing is just a condition of the receiving.  My believing opens up the flood gates of heaven to me, where I am the recipient of His promises, His life, His precious gifts.  

"The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save, He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing."  Zepahniah 3:17