Today feels difficult my love. I can be in "coping mode"and then the unexpected just triggers me. Yesterday it was the zoo. Off we went with Grammy to meet Aunt Audra and your cousins. Your sisters were filled with anticipation to see the polar bears, and the penguins (which we hadn't seen yet). It wasn't long before we were inside the gates on this 75 degree July day and I saw the sea of strollers. I noticed myself just shutting down in this moment out of self protection and a means of survival. But the truth is, I just missed you. I missed you so terribly much in that moment and in many moments throughout the day. I didn't fully let myself feel it until much later, but when I did I was reminded of how awfully wrong life is without you. You should be on my hip seeing the animals at the zoo for the first time. I should be pushing my napping Kate in her stroller .... that now sits empty in our garage. Dang. Oh how I wish things were different and not so dang difficult.
I know God will carry me through these days as he has been. He is faithful, and has given me so many days filled with hope and life and joy. I am being awakened to a new life in Him. I know how deep his love is and how sufficient his grace. I understand what it means to have my faith built on a solid rock. Christ my cornerstone. I know what it is to be held and forgiven. Freed.
Many of these things have happened since you were born. In no way do I believe God allowed your death in order for these things to happen in me. I do, though, believe that they are a consequence of your short life here and your death. God uses ALL things for the good of those who love him who have been called according to his purpose (Romans 8:28). He is using your way too short life, my love, to awaken my soul and others' as well.
I hope you met your friend Hally this past week. She ran into the arms of Jesus last week .... way too soon in our human understanding here. Only nine. She was just playing with Jadyn last month, and I now have hope that she is playing with you .... that she is like your big sister there in heaven for now.
I love you. My heart still feels like it might explode if I feel to the full how much my I love and miss you all at once. I have to let it out in doses. You my dear, ....my hot pink warrior, my too sweet for this world, precious one, are adored and treasured and never forgotten. Not one day passes without thoughts about you, tears shed for you, or chatter about our broken hopes and dreams for you. Thankful tonight that our hope is not placed in ourselves, in our health, or in a perfect life here on earth, but that our hope is placed alone in Jesus Christ our Lord and Savior who right now kisses you tenderly "goodnight". Goodnight baby girl. Goodnight.
I love you to the moon and back,
Mommy
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