A letter to my girl - ONE YEAR!

My precious Kate,

It is the day of your first birthday.  I rested my head on my pillow last night with tears falling, and I awoke this morning to what seemed like the same tears on my cheeks.  They were crying the same thing, "my love, oh how I miss you".  And oh, how near you feel on this day, in these hours.  It's not just another day of missing you, like it seems it should be.  It marks so much, this date .... November 17th, and it forever will.  It will forever be a holy date to me.

The missing you is very deep, very real, and so tangible today.  My heart is faint within me as I feel you once more.  As I remember what it was to have you in my arms.  Such love, such sorrow, such a sacred moment in time that will be with me forever.  It was the most dreadful day of my life in some ways, yet I would go back in a heartbeat to be with you.  Right now, I would run as fast as I could to that hospital room and experience it all over if I knew we could be together. Oh to experience you, my daughter, before my eyes and in my arms.

There has been a tension in me all week as your birthday has been approaching.  The tension of missing you and celebrating you.  By God's grace, our hearts ARE free to celebrate.  So we did on Saturday night.   We celebrated where you are, who you are with, and the wholeness and joy you know.  We celebrated God's goodness in the midst of tragedy and how we have experienced his promises to be true.  And we celebrated one another, Kate's biggest fans, who have held one another up and loved each other as we have experienced this devastating loss.  You are much to lose and much to be celebrated.  I have had endless gifts, phone calls, texts and emails today reminding how you mattered.  How you matter!  Lives changed because of you my sweet girl.  People understanding the hope and promises of Christ beyond this earth.  People grasping God's love for them.  People learning to trust, not in the things of this world, but in the kingdom of heaven.  People actually praising God and understanding his goodness in the wake of unthinkable pain.  People even entertaining the thought of a God who loves and cares for them.  People drawn together.  It's truly beautiful what your sweet presence brought to this earth, Kate.  You have forever changed hearts, minds, and futures.  God has been forming us as individuals and as a people.  We are thankful.

Our night remembering and celebrating Kate Ryan.  The perfect company, great food, heart felt words and prayers, flowers, wine, tears, laughter, hugs, lighted balloons released in the night sky .... all for you my love.

So, on your birthday, you, Kate Ryan.... just rejoice. Be loved. Be near. Know how cherished you are. Run. Play.  Know how missed you are....how you will always be deep in my heart where you belong.  You are mine, forever my youngest girl.  And we ..... we will hold tight another day to Jesus as we miss you and remember the GLORIOUS and HOLY day that was November 17th, 2013.  We will cry, remember, love, laugh, and sing to you.  We will fix our eyes on Jesus, who holds us all.

Daddy and mommy starting a new tradition of a special lunch and Andres dessert.

Girls wanted to sing happy birthday at breakfast as we do on all birthday mornings in our home.

I feel you again deep in my bones today.  All the memories washing ashore to my heart and mind.  There is a pure and holy missing today.  It is clearly Kate Ryan's day.  You are ever present in us all; unmistakable that it is the day you graced us with your presence one short year ago.  Our hearts are uniquely tender,  and so is HIS peace that is tending to us.  We mark this day to love and honor you, while you have marked us for a lifetime .... changed forever.

Happy Birthday Kate Ryan Swob!!
I love you to the moon and back,
Mommy

HOPE

This pregnancy journey has been filled with enormous amounts of grace from the very beginning.  As I laid eyes on those 2 pink lines, I am not sure if my heart stopped or jumped out of my chest. I think it did both simultaneously.  I felt completely overwhelmed with fear, joy, excitement, anxiety, love, grief ..... all in a matter of minutes ..... they rushed in and out and through me.  And very shortly after, I began to experience the grace of God being poured out.  I remembered, suddenly remembered, words people had said to me over the last few months about this moment in time.  God was reminding me of how He was in this.  My heart relaxed in his presence, knowing He was all over this.   I was so thankful in those moments for all those who had been praying for us and even responding when prompted. 

It was a Tuesday when we found out.  The Friday prior,  I had tackled Kate's room for the first time.  Grace.  Two days later, on Sunday, I was baptized, symbolizing my new life in Christ.  Yes, new life.  Grace.  What a beautiful expression of God's love and care just to give me these little glimpse of his hand on me, on us.  I knew this was all going to be okay. 

There is a confidence running through me because I know deep down that God's hand is all over this gift of new life.  I carry this confidence with me, but I cannot say it is unwavering.  This has been, and will continue to be, a scary journey for us.  It's just a different pregnancy this time around.  Different than the other three.  I know things I didn't know before.  The fragility of it all.  I take nothing for granted.  Every day that this little guy is with me I give thanks and love him with all of my heart.   Some days I can't even hope past today so I continue to give thanks.  That is my act of worship and praise.  

I have wrestled with God's trustworthiness.  That in itself has been discouraging to me after all we have seen him be and do for us.  How could I struggle?   I KNOW that He is trustworthy because I have experienced it over and over in my life, but I have days where I still question.... will he be in this??  Will he be trustworthy in the way I really want him to be?  He is faithful and will carry us through anything.  I know who he is in the darkness.  But to be truthful, that's not how I want to experience him this time.  I honestly don't want to know how good he will be in the hard times.  I want a healthy baby in my arms.  That's what I want.  This is the wrestling I am doing with him right now.  I walked away from a conference this weekend saying "I am going to believe my God IS and WILL BE trustworthy, and that I am going to allow myself to hope.  I am going to let myself be loved."  So I am doing my best.  To stay by God's side and allow him to love me through every fear.  To allow him to comfort me as only he can.  This is working out my salvation with fear and trembling.  Placing my hope in him and continuing to cry out to him with the desires of my heart.  Trusting.  

It's not easy, but it's also really beautiful.  A sweet friend reminded me the other day that this is the beginning of my little guy's story.  Our story.  Something only we will share.  It's helping me to embrace the hard parts and not just want the pregnancy to be over.  That's not really a way to live .... just wishing things away. Wanting and waiting for the end result.  That is not living my life in Christ.  I want to do this with my Father, to recieve his GRACE, find the beauty in the hard things, and hope and trust in him for my daily bread.  This is what it is to live fully alive in Him as I wait.  He is the gift in the waiting.  My prayer is that I would receive the gift daily, or hourly, so that this process is much more than a process.  It is a beautiful journey willed with peace, love, and grace.  A journey that is  just the beginning of my little guy's story.  A story of HOPE. 

 

 

 

Miracles

I am so very blessed by my two miracles, Jadyn and Maci, that are beside me every day.  I am blessed by my miracle, Kate,  that is above me in heaven.   And I am blessed these recent days by the little miracle inside me that is baby boy Swob. 

Yes, it's true.  A pregnancy.  New life.  A boy.   It's all still soaking in.  I am only 14 weeks but we had blood work done that was able to reveal the gender.  We are thrilled and wanted to share our wonderful news.  I look forward to sharing more about the journey this pregnancy has already been and what it will continue to be.    But for today, that's all I have!  A fun announcement!