There have been a lot of deep sighs again. The physical symptom of my aching heart ..... deep sighs. Trying to catch my breath sighs. "This is not okay, but I am okay" sighs. Releasing frustration when the family in our neighborhood brings home their perfect newborn sighs. Oh, how I love them, and their new baby; it's just a reminder of how unfair life is sometimes.
I have been working on a little memorial garden for Kate and it has been lovely and healing, and also incredibly hard at times. It's been painful this last week. I am trying to capture so much in this little area of landscape of plants and flowers. I am trying to capture my heart for my Kate, and it just feels impossible. I want it to be "perfect", but I fear that nothing I put there is ever going to feel good enough. I have been doing my best to enjoy the process. I was for a while, but this weekend as I was picking out more flowers (whimsical and "girly" flowers), I lost it. I don't want to be shopping for FLOWERS! I want to be shopping for dresses and hair bows and itty bitty swimsuits. I can't right now. So I am taking a little break and space for my mind and heart. I am asking for some help with this and I am going to move forward when I can.
For today, while my girls are gone, I am just going to do my best to sit in the vulnerable place of loss. I am going to care for myself and tend to my heart. I am going to read and rest on this rainy day with the hope that my joy will be returned.
"Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, thought the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyful in God my Savior." - Habakkuk 3:17-18
Kristi, Praying for you sister. Get through this day - tomorrow is new. God only gives us just enough grace for today alone. Breathe, sigh, cry, do what you need. With love in Christ - Amy Balentine
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