Wow. Today is filled with much emotion. Almost one year ago (on March 18th), we found out that you would be blessing us with your presence. It was a hard Monday morning for mommy. I had been feeling a lot of emotional and spiritual defeat over the prior weekend, and had just finished a phone conversation that was encouraging and hard all at once. The afternoon brought new hope as I discovered, and got to share with your daddy, that YOU, Kate Ryan, were on the way. It was a brutal and beautiful day (BRUTIFUL as I have heard it called); and the following day we would be heading to Florida for our spring break trip. This was a bit of an unexpected new adventure we would be on to becoming a family of five.
Today is a bit BRUTIFUL itself as we prepare for our annual Cocoa Beach trip. Tomorrow we will be leaving, and our home is filled with anticipation and excitement. Your sisters can't wait to see grammy and Papa, and be on the beach, and eat at Simply Delicious, and kayak with the dolphins, and, and, and .... We have lots of favorites to look forward to during this 4th visit. But there is just so much void in the anticipation, the excitement a little dull. I knew this week would be another BIG STEP as I move forward in life without you here. One year ago tomorrow we told Grammy she would be having another grandbaby. Jadyn and Maci made up a precious song and dance to make our announcement, while the waves were crashing beside us. We celebrated, one year ago, the new life you would be bringing to our family. And today and tomorrow and in the week ahead, we will be at Cocoa Beach celebrating you - just not as we imagined. Not celebrating your smiles, or your "chub chubs" in your swimsuit, or napping with you as we take a break from the sun. Not introducing you to grammy and Papa's friends, or taking you to our favorite restaurants, or strolling with you around the town. Not taking you on your first flight. (yes, it may be more peaceful, but peace and comfort are definitely overrated)!! This re-imagining isn't getting a whole lot easier. You will be going with us, just not in the physical way we hoped for. Daddy and I were shopping today ...... I laid my eyes on this perfect little treasure box that will hold you. We want you to come with us sweet girl, so you will.
I love you my littlest love bug. Daddy was telling me this morning all the things he appreciates and loves about me (yes, he is pretty awesome)!! When he said, "how you loved and LOVE Kate", we lost it. It feels so hard to love you this far away. I can't give to you the way I want to. I can't care for you and it just breaks my mommy's heart.....that's just what I am supposed to do. But you must know you are so very loved and so very close to my heart every moment of every day. I am always thinking of how everything would be different with you here - in the BEST of ways. Life would not be easier (in the practical ways), but it would be RIGHT, and so much fuller with your presence near and with us. The weight of your life is missed so greatly. Our hearts still long and they will until we see you again beautiful one. I can't wait. Four months feels like a moment and like a lifetime all at once. I think that is what it will continue to feel like until it's time for me to come home. Because this is God's time, it just works that way. He will hold us until that time comes, and in His arms, nothing will fall. Our love for you will remain. Our hope will be secure. Our faith will stand. You are ALWAYS with us. I love you ALWAYS and FOREVER. I love you to the moon and back,
Mommy
Thank you for sharing. Blessings
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