One month - a letter to my girl

My sweet Kate,

One month..... oh, this month .....  The days are long with heartache and longing; yet way too short at the same time.  Every day is one more day away from the moment I met you and it makes me ache. My arms empty and my heart broken.   We shared 9 months of being together in the most intimate way.   Your life in mine, growing into the perfection that we saw when we met you.   You came to us in an unexpected, lifeless way but you were still born.   I longed to hear your cry and for you to take a breath of the air I breathe ... to share the simple things with you, the gifts of life.  But that wasn’t your story. It was a cruel reality to face when you arrived in this world - the silence stung so badly. This is not the way it was supposed to be.  

God had a different plan for your days than the ones I dreamed of and imagined.  I trust in a new and unfathomable way right now that God’s ways and His thoughts are higher than mine.  It is hard to imagine how this is true when all I want to do is hold you, rock you, feed you, sing to you, change your diapers, kiss you, snuggle you and LOVE you here on this earth.   That seems pretty good and right to me.   Our God has vision, though, that I cannot see, so I surrendered you back into the arms of the one who loves you more than I; the one to whom you have always belonged.   It was the most horrific day of my life, but somehow holy.  It was the saddest day of my life but somehow sacred.  Your little newborn body, so precious to me, had to be let go.   You belong to HIM, you always did; and I am thankful for the moments he gave me to hold you and kiss you and tell you how much I love you.  You came …. and  love and prayers by family and friends surrounded you.  God moved in all of us that day in a way that will leave us changed forever.  Your life mattered Kate.  Too short, yes, but it will always matter.  Our hearts break but they are not destroyed.  As God holds you in his arms, He holds the hearts of those who love you most ….. especially mommy, daddy and your big sisters.   Your sisters awaited your arrival with great anticipation and excitement and joy.  They were ecstatic to be with you and care for you and play with you.   Though disappointed that those are not their realities,  your sweet big sisters are saying, “ we are jealous that she gets to meet Jesus first”.    We are thankful that you will never know the suffering of the things here and that you only know the kingdom of heaven.  All of your days ordained for glory.   Our time here, not enough, but the hope of our reunion brings me comfort and a reason to abide with Jesus in the waiting.  Oh, the waiting.  Father, enlarge my heart in the waiting and take care of my girl.  

I miss you like crazy, and at this point I cannot imagine it getting any easier.  This new lens I see through is not one I ever wanted, but I am trusting that the lens will change from dark and cloudy to beautiful and filled with light again.  Jesus has won this battle with death.  Your life, Kate, is ushering in the kingdom of God in so many beautiful ways already.  I cannot wait to see how God continues to work all things for His good and eternal purposes.

I am so proud to be your mommy.  Not one day will pass when I don't think of you.  Always near, always near my sweet girl.  We await the day when we see you again and see your smiling face.   I will always be the mother of 3 precious daughters.

                                                                          I love you to the moon and back,

                                                                          Mommy