Take Courage

    I love how the Spirit of God moves us to know we need to do something.  I'm not speaking of needing to do something to check it off a list, please someone, or prove ourselves.  The need  I speak of is the soul's longing to respond, and God's spirit calling to ours in order to move us forward for His good.  I often ignore these needs.  Sometimes it feels like pressure, or an "opportunity" to fail, or maybe I just lazily put it off.  But today I respond to a need as I write. The nudge, the calling, and the invitation to write has been ever present and I do not want to miss out here. I always know God brings these needs for GOOD ..... His, mine and/or others. Which one, I do not know right now, but I respond now in trust as I write after a very long break.  

    These times we live in are crazy, weird, hard, sad, confusing, maddening .... the list goes on. I don't know that I have felt this vulnerable or fragile in a very long time. I feel my own weakness so clearly right now. I don't think I'm alone. We collectively know the fragility of life in a profound way. Thank you, 2020. :) While there may be some sarcasm in that statement, I have in reality been praying and attempting most days to move toward an authentic "thank you" to this year and to God for the opportunities in this unusual and disorienting time. The ways in which I feel out of control are numerous. Ways of living (or not living) are being forced upon us. The places where we do have choices ..... a good decision feels nearly impossible to make. Opinions are flying; often void of love and trust in each other's humanity. I'm watching those I love suffer and experience disappointment. Handling these things in maturity requires self awareness and dependence on God, beyond what comes naturally to me. My "go to" when things feel out of control and scary is to grasp. I grasp tightly to what I can control and even begin to try to control those around me. (as anyone who has ever been in a relationship knows, I fail every time). This leads to death inside of me and destruction around me ... nothing that I want for my life, yours or for those I love.  

    How? How do we find a way forward here?  The words I keep hearing are surrender, humility, acceptance and compassion. May I humbly surrender to the One who IS in control as I accept my weakness and limitations. May I give grace and extend compassion to myself and others as we navigate uncharted waters. Our journeys are broken, inward and outward. The world is broken through and through.  None of this brokenness surprises God, and that brings me comfort. He is not caught off guard as we are. He is not powerless, weak or unable even if we cannot see what He is doing here; and even if it seems all we are experiencing/witnessing is loss, grief, confusion and uncertainty. If I'm honest I have felt every temptation to control, judge, fix and even give up at times. But as I tune my heart to His, I am reminded who I am and that I (WE) are here to BE His heart of LOVE in this hurting and broken world. Take courage dear hearts.  Let's keep our hearts open and soft as we bravely march on, knowing that we see now only in part what one day we will fully see. 

A letter to my girl...... FIVE years

Kate Ryan,

Oh, how I wait and long for this day.  Each year holds a different weight and a unique "feel", but I always anticipate November 17th with gratitude.  I'm so grateful for the grace and space to remember and honor your precious little life.  Though too short, your life mattered.  YOU matter.  I'm reminded of this every year.  People remind me on your birthday just how you impacted them .... how God used you to deepen their faith, grow them in compassion and love, increase hope in hearts.  God used little you, Kate, to make people more like Jesus and to draw people to Himself.  Such GLORY.  Only our God can bring this type of beauty from ashes.  Only God can continue to surround us with people who remember with us, that sacred and holy day you came and went.  Only God can author such stunning stories of mercy and grace.

Having been a Saturday, we had a "normal" Swob weekend day with volleyball, soccer and Luke tagging along like little brothers do.  But tonight, we set aside time to BE with you.  We will launch our lighted balloons with messages to you and have some sacred family time.  I found one of your sisters  in her room, with tears flowing,  going through all your things and dressing a teddy in your onesie this evening.  I'm so thankful she feels the freedom to cry, to remember and to love you as she needs.  This day is so important to her.  Jadyn and Maci's lives changed forever the day you were born.  Little Luke prays you will come alive again. :) I tell him just how ALIVE you are and share with him that one day we he will meet his big sister, Kate, face to face.  I love the thought of you two together.  Your life gave way to his life, so in my heart and mind there is so much of you in my Luke. I ponder this often when I'm missing you.

You are FIVE.  I feel healing and peace inside of me that haven't been present years prior, yet I also know this is a never ending journey of longing, missing, and loving you.  I do these thing today, and will continue to do them as long as I live,  with great HOPE. The same hope that helped me survive this day five years ago.  The same hope that kept me from drowning.  The same hope that keeps me going day after day without one of my very own.  You are mine, forever mine, Kate Ryan.  I'm proud to be your mommy, and thankful that today I am 5 years closer to holding you again.  Holding you was so right and so wrong.  Everything I wanted and everything I didn't.  It seems impossible to explain this but I know you understand in fullness and completion.  You understand the complexities of my heart and, more importantly, you KNOW the love I have for you.  Love that would endure it all again to see you once more.  Happy birthday sweet girl.  You are perfection in my eyes and in the eyes of Jesus.

I love you to the moon and back,
Mommy

A letter to my girl - 4 Years

My Kate Ryan,

Today, this day that I wait for with both joyful anticipation and sorrow, is here.  Your fourth birthday is upon us baby girl.  It's here, our day to celebrate you, to remember you fully and with all of our hearts.  I always want to give you so much honor and love on this day, Kate Ryan; and then I find myself on the other end ...... receiving so much.  So much of you invested in me.  So much of God imparted to me through you.  So many peaceful, clear, holy thoughts.  So many tears of love. So much love from those around me. 
During my massage this morning it was as if you were there loving me with Jesus.  If felt like I received such a blessing, like you were saying, "Mama, you are doing the right thing right now, taking care of yourself.  I love you so much and am proud of you.  Everything is okay.  Better than okay, it's wonderful.  You are beautiful and I'm so glad you are my mama."   I believe those are the Father's thoughts toward me, but it meant so much to hear them as if they came from your sweet voice.   I "felt" your hands and God's hand upon me.  It's so strange to "see" you as this four year old in my mind's eye, yet "hear" you full of heaven's thoughts.  There is no mistaking that you know all, see all, hear all with perfect wisdom, clarity and love.  You are nothing like a four year old child.  You are pure and whole and with your Jesus.  One with Him, with perfect love. I received the gift of that perfect love today. 

This is the most relaxed I've been on your birthday.  It finally doesn't feel like I have to get it right.  I just get to enjoy it.  To ride out the waves.  I love all the painful tugs on my heart and all the joyful celebration.  The girls and I had so much FUN last night making your cookies.  I wasn't doing so great up until that point, but oh how my spirit was lifted over the evening.  Making space and saying NO to normal life to bake for you is what my heart needed.  I need this carved out space for you, my sweet girl.  It will never take the place of being here with you and seeing you enjoy a birthday party but it sure does my soul good to do these few things in remembrance and love.   The five of us will go to dinner tonight and let your balloons go when we get home.  I even love putting in the balloon order in at party city. :) I may be crying while I do it, but it's just one of those things that feels right and good.  Like I have a way to love you here on earth.  So, I guess, it's been a "give and take" day.  Love exchanged between us my sweet girl.  Love that only we share.   

So, I find my heart in that sweet hallelujah space where longing and praise collide.   The hallelujah you taught me on this day four years ago as we dedicated you back to the One who gave you to me.   The hallelujah you taught me as I cried out in worship during your service 8 days later.  It's a deeper hallelujah today.  The deepest it's been.  I believe it's fruit of the not-so-easy "deeper still" journey I've been on.  I am thankful.  As I prayed last night with your sisters, my thanks for you was as sincere as it's ever been.  Oh, the thanks for your short but sweet life, for how it has shaped us and grown us up in many ways.  You ARE a mighty, mighty warrior little one.   I am grateful for our story and the way God's redeeming hand has held us and walked us forward out of the depths.  Your place in our story screams glory!  There is no place in my life where I know Jesus' life and heart more than I do in you.  Christi in you, the hope of Glory. 

I love you precious one.  I miss you always, every day.  Not a day goes by without a thought of you.  Your light and your life shine bright here sweet girl.  You are so dearly loved.

I love you ....... to the moon and back,
Mommy

Almost FOUR

In just under one week we will celebrate Kate Ryan's 4th birthday.  I am feeling fragile but not overcome.  The tears come easily when someone asks how I'm doing with her day approaching.  That feels good and right, but not easy.  There is no escaping tensions in life, love and loss.  That has been one of my greatest gifts the last few years - getting comfortable with tensions.   

I want to write Kate's letter on her birthday and I just want it to be to HER, in complete love and honor.  This last year has been filled with grief and healing so I wanted to process and share first a bit before writing her letter on Friday.  I miss this space to do that.  Whether anyone reads or not, I get a sense of relief and peace to just "get it out".

I made it through Kate's 3rd birthday and Christmas last year pretty resiliently, but mid-January I really began struggling.  Winter isn't the best for me anyway with the cold temps, lack of sun and plenty of time indoors, but the hit I was taking was out of the ordinary "winter blues".  And it lasted.  And lasted.  And lasted.   I was trying to fight, figure it out and make it stop when about 6 weeks in, I heard the Lord say "acceptance".   The spiritual work here was acceptance.  I mean, I should know by now that this is how God works, but it's taken this last year to really "get" this part of my spiritual journey.  There are times, like death, where acceptance is forced upon us; then there are other times where we still have a sense of power and are able to resist what is happening in us.  Resistance feels safe but it keeps us stuck.  After knowing what the spiritual work was, by his grace, I just began to accept where I was ..... a mess.  Confused.  Hurting.  Mad.   Not quickly or easily, the Lord began to call me "deeper still".  It was a clear and continuous word from Him to call me out into deeper waters of my healing.

I had to wrestle again with God about November 17th, 2013.  At first, it felt like failure; like I didn't do this right the first time around.  But "deeper still" means just that - an invitation to deeper places of my heart and my healing, not that I hadn't been into the waters at all.  It soon became only a place of beauty and grace.  I went to Gold Monarch Healing Center in June (which is a story in and of itself).   One night the guy leading worship called out in a song, "there is someone here whose name is Deeper Still".  Jesus saw me.  He knew me.  It was there that I realized how I felt God had failed me and betrayed me in the moments and hours leading up to the words "there is no heartbeat".   It is the place I began to build courage to face that while I had learned who God was in the aftermath, I didn't ever face who He was or where He was in the moments before and during Kate's death.   It was there that a previous vision I had of myself as a stone figure on Kate's birthday was confirmed prophetically and breath was breathed into my lifeless body, heart and mind.  I awoke to the pain that was buried.  I awoke to the anger.  I awoke to the calling of deeper still.
It was hard to look back and see where I had maybe over-spiritualized my pain in that first year.  There were MANY absolute authentic moments of knowing Jesus like I never had before after losing Kate.  In 2014, I trusted Him to really carry me for the first time ever.  I learned of his strong arms, his tender voice and the power of his word to sustain me.  AND ....... I also think there were ways I used only spiritual knowledge to soothe my pain.  While the truer, deeper parts of my heart were in denial or not wanting to go to the depths, my mind quoted scripture at my heart just to make it all stop.  To really go there was just too much.  Maybe I didn't have capacity, so maybe it was grace.  I don't know.
I also think, in my unique brokenness, I wanted to perform this thing away.   To know and to even write this pain away.  In part, my healing became a performance.  This is the thing God continues to break in me, performance.  He's using my girl.
Not sure if any of that makes any sense, but it does in my heart. 

He is doing a work in me through my baby girl.  I love that she is still my little warrior for the Lord, even if only in her mama's life.  I love how Jesus can take it all (my anger, sadness, pain, numbness, performance) and bring wholeness and fullness of life like never before.  The way IN is always the way through.  Unfortunately, I believe religion often gets in the way of allowing that.  Yes, God does have the answers.  He undoubtedly IS the answer, but experiencing and knowing the answer doesn't always come easily or quickly or without a  journey.  So ...... let's be gentle, and let ourselves and others be where they are.   It takes true faith and trust, but Jesus will speak.  In his time.  In his way.   In our deepest self he will bring Truth to our truth.   Every grief journey, every life journey is a process.  So thankful today that there is grace for the journey. 

A letter to my girl - 3 years

My sweet Kate,

I have been thinking about you so much my love.  There is a shift in the atmosphere come autumn, come November.  Yes, the air cools and the leaves fall, but my heart warms.   My soul awakens and experiences the full weight of fall. The warmth, the awakening and the weight bring tears.  I welcome them because they are my love.  My love for you Kate Ryan.  A friend reminded me last week that the tears aren't darkness now, they are love.  Three years ago it was darkness.  Today and in the days leading up to your birthday, my cry is one of missing you and of longing because there will forever be a Kate shaped hole in my heart.  It will never be wholly right without you here but we have JOY my sweet girl.  We have JOY because we have our hope in the reality you know with your entire being.  Daddy and I sit here this morning sharing the truths of who you are and where you are.  We celebrate that we are forever your mommy and daddy, AND that you are in all glory with your Jesus and with your perfect Father.  I imagine, all the time, what you would be like here changing and growing as a little girl.  How long your hair would be and how our family of SIX would be complete around the table at meals and riding in the van.  And I imagine you there ..... living in perfect understanding and knowledge.  Oh, how I long for what you have.  You see all things with a purity and clarity that all of us here strive for in our own broken ways.  You are WELL.  PERFECT.  And even though this day will never feel perfect to me, it is well.  It is well with my soul as we celebrate you, Kate, turning three years old.  Your birthday is a day of remembrance, of love, of longing, of pain, of celebration and of grace.   I have people taking care of me today as you know.  And we will celebrate you tonight with your grandparents who miss you so.  Your sweet sisters want to do our balloon launch so it will be a night of pink desserts and pink balloons for YOU.  How fitting that as I went out early this morning that there were pink stripes in the sky as the sun rose.  You will forever be HOT PINK to us :).  And you will forever be our little WARRIOR for the Lord.  Sing, dance and twirl in celebration today, for you are FREE.  I love you with all of my heart.  I will forever treasure the hours you were in our arms and the gift of being your mommy.   Nothing else compares.  Nothing.

I love you to the moon and back,
Mommy

2016 WORD(s)

Around three weeks ago there was a lot of buzz about the new year .... about resolutions, "words", hopes, and goals.  I felt it this year, the excitement of starting fresh.  I felt reinvigorated about  life and what may lie ahead in the coming year.  The holidays truly wore me out this year.  I didn't want it to happen, but leading up to December 25th I started caving to the pressure and to the expectations.  To the busyness and the hustle.  Then, I found myself mad about the fact that I caved; and it took me a bit to recover.  But I did.  And I found myself filled with excitement about January and 2016 as the calendar turned.  Fast forward to today .......

It's amazing what a couple of weeks can do. :).  The emotional buzz fades, and normal life and routine sets in.  It's now nearing the end of January and you can sense the fade in others too.

But my reason for coming here today was to share  my "WORDS" for 2016.  Yes, I am a little late in the month, but as I type I do not think it is a coincidence because one of my words is STEADFAST.   And steadfastness doesn't come by following the emotional breeze that blows through when we feel high and excited in the new year.  Steadfastness usually comes when things are hard or mundane ..... when we choose to persevere.  Steadfast means constant, firm, steady, unwavering, or unshaken.  Will my world, my circumstances, be shaken at times? Of course.  Most likely in varying degrees.  I have learned what it is to cling to him in the hardest of hard.  My hope is that I learn what this word means in the smaller things this year.  In the daily challenges of life with a husband and kids.  In my own internal battles and challenges.  In decision making and in discipline. I want to stand firm in my beliefs and in my faithfulness so that my life reflects a new way of being and of responding in daily frustrations.  I believe it begins with having my heart fixed on Him in prayer.  In prayer, I will fight.   I want my thought life and emotional life to be less rocky, less swayed, less shaken.  I want to be able to stand confidently against opposition because of the way I am fixed on and tethered to Jesus.   So that's my staring place and my thoughts thus far.  I look forward to what God has to teach me about being steadfast in his ways and in walking with him.  I know there is much more to come.  
As this month has begun I have had some scriptures come to my mind:

"You will keep in perfect peace all who trust in you, all whose thoughts are fixed on you. "  - Isaiah 26:3

"Therefore my dear brothers and sisters, stand firm.  Let nothing move you.  Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain." 1 Corinthians 15:58

This next one is important to me because I had this written on my chalkboard as we headed to the hospital to deliver Kate, unknowingly entering a season of suffering.  He has brought it back to my mind. 
"And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast." - 1 Peter 5:10 

And isn't it just like God to back me up a bit, and first remind me of his steadfast love?  He has been doing this in my quiet time.  He's reminding me that his love is the source of any energy and effort I have .......his unwavering, unshakable, constant love that roots me deeply.       

This discipline of picking a word every year has really blessed me. I always find it fascinating to see how God works these words out in me and in others I am in community with.  While I find STEADFAST more of a calling word (something he is calling me to live into), my second word, BLOOM, is a vision word.  It's something that is beyond me and my efforts.  BLOOMING is a God job.  It happens in His time and His process.  And I believe it is coming.  I feel and sense it.  The rooting and growing.  The tender shoots emerging in process.  The blooms are coming.  When I looked up the definition this is what I found: 
come into or be in full beauty or health; flourish.  thrive. open. mature. Become radiant and glowing.  

Those words hit me just right.  When I read them, I knew BLOOM was it for 2016.  I am grateful for his vision and for his process in me.  Though sometimes it feels slow or confusing, I trust him.  I have marveled at how faithful and loving he has been in the past.  So I wait expectantly to be amazed once again.  Happy 2016 to you all!  I would love to hear your "words" if you practice this.

A letter to my girl - Two years

My sweet girl, 

I have been longing for the quiet of this morning to be with you as I write your birthday letter.  It's a precious time to me.   Your brother is down for his nap and I get to sit in the stillness of this house as he sleeps.  It's dreary here today, unlike your home.  The tone of this day fits my heart.  It's overcast and drizzly. Wet.  Heavy.  Leaves everywhere - beautiful and yet a chaotic mess.  It all reflects so well how I feel on your birthday this year.

The pain of separation is just too much at times.  I have felt restless and uneasy trying to control my world down here for the last two weeks.  I have cried easily and fought with those I love.  I have been sensitive, disappointed, and  frustrated over anything and everything.  Poor Sissies and daddy :).   I have been longing for peace but it has felt like unrest everywhere I turn.  It's because I ache, Kate.   I ache for you.  The anticipation of this 2nd birthday was almost too much for my soul, and it took me off guard.  My shoulders have felt slumped and my chest heavy.  A lump in my throat ready to burst at any moment.  I think I have been afraid to "go there" ...... into the pain, in fear that I may never come back.  I finally did last week and again on Sunday.  My dear soul friend rocked me like a baby and let me BE.  I needed to just BE ..... be where I was in order to love you with all of my mommy might.  You saw the family celebration we had and the balloons let go into the night sky.  We sent our love to you in prayers and love notes.  We know how you feel and experience our hearts in the most intimate way.  You taste the beauty and the closeness of our relationship with you far beyond what we understand.  It's so pure.  Oh, how it makes me long for the perfection of heaven.  And long to see you in all your perfection the way God intended you to be precious girl.   And to hug you and hold you .... to twirl with you and giggle ..... I could just go on and on. 

Your biggest sister finally broke last night.  The floodgates opened.  It's been two years.  There have been tears shed but not like this.  Her seven year old heart and mind had to protect itself when we lost you so suddenly.  And then last night in all of God's grace, at nine years old, she felt the weight of it all.  My mama's heart was broken but it was a beautiful hour as I rocked her, wiped her tears, and just said, "I know.  I am sorry."  Those are the only words.  I can't tell her it's going to be okay because it's not.  EVER.  We will be okay, but the fact that you are so far from us never will be.  We talked about Psalm 56:8.   I told her that her tears are precious to our Father in heaven.  She asked why, and I had the privilege of explaining to her that it shows how much God cares about our pain and how he cares that it hurts so bad to miss you.  His word says, "You keep track of all my sorrows, you have collected all my tears in your bottle.  You have recorded each one in your book."  You are worth every tear, my love.  We love you with our tears; and God honors each drop in His  love and care for us. How GREAT is this love that he has lavished upon us.  How would we survive this without Him and his wondrous love?   

As the hours have gone by today I have felt covered by that LOVE.  The countless texts, the prayers, the time spent together, the words written straight to our hearts.  The donuts, the birthday cake, the flowers sent.  The phone calls and emails.  YOU are loved and missed, and so so many are taking sweet care of your family.  Rest assured you live on.  One friend said your life continues to scream "Jesus!" to the multitudes.  I believe this to be true my love. I continue to hear the way you have affected hearts and minds ..... you have changed a people .......  it's His kingdom come.  

Though my faith is not wavering, I feel less steady right now.  But today, Kate, I have felt a resurgence of  hope and strength as I remember what God has done for us the last two years.  This day in 2013 we faced the unimaginable pain of saying goodbye to you way too soon.  Our God kept us, strengthened us and whispered loving truth so we would endure those days, weeks, months. I am reminded by his word that there is no sorrow that heaven cannot heal and for that I praise him!  If he gave me strength for those worst of days, he will give me strength for these.  He is able.  

I have typed this throughout today, Kate.  The day has felt long and I am tired.  It's never going to be an easy day, but it will always be a holy day.  A day that I know will be painful, but that I will also always look forward to because I feel so close to you again.  It your day sweet baby.  It's Kate's Day. 
As I prepare for bed tonight I am blessed by a reminder I received from a dear friend.  That you dance in joy, my sweet girl.  Because HE LIVES, you DANCE IN JOY!!  I will rest well with that vision in my mind.  Hallelujah!   
Happy 2nd birthday Kate Ryan - there must be a party in heaven like we had here this evening.  Your sisters sure hope so!!

To the moon and back,
Mommy

Family ready to release balloons in remembrance.

Gifts of love and care that brought joy to our day.

Happy Birthday Kate!!

Donuts delivered to our door this morning :)